Her home, he reminded himself. Not his.
He turned his back on the room, jogging upstairs to grab his bag—suddenly needing to grip on to his future. He buzzed the taxi company and got them to pick him up immediately—leaving the signed forms for Alice to collect when she got in. He didn’t really need to see her, Kelsi would give her all the instructions.
At the airport he picked up a coffee and a paper and paced around the boarding lounge, telling himself everything had worked out for the best. It was good they’d scaled back to a manageable level of friendship. All very sensible.
At last his flight was called. And all of a sudden he felt more physically incapacitated than when his knee had crunched out the wrong way.
He couldn’t move. Didn’t want to. His whole body ached as if he had some virulent flu. And then it went hard because all he could think of was Kelsi, Kelsi, Kelsi.
Mortified at his sudden regression into out of control teen boy, he forced his feet to get him onto the plane. She didn’t want him. It was just sex. That was all he was walking away from and he’d get back in the game with someone else sometime.
Now his stomach felt sick.
Cold sweat slithered over his body. He was being so stupid. They’d sorted an arrangement that would work for the baby. Kelsi had a home that would soon be wonderful, she was as safe and secure as he could make her. Everything was as good as it could possibly be. He was free to go back to the snow and not have to worry. So why did he feel so rotten?
He squashed himself into his seat. He’d feel better once he got there. He closed his eyes and visualised the mountain. Imagined a helicopter ride up to the top and looking down on the perfect virgin powder ready for him to shred.
He opened his eyes again and sighed. The thrill would come back. He just had to get where the challenge was.
His gut twinged painfully. There was a challenge here, too. A challenge he was walking away from. Not that little baby. But the beautiful mother—the beyond-all-boundaries trick who put pepper in his pulse.
His ride with Kelsi most definitely had not been easy—but wicked for sure. And when had he ever walked away from a challenge that posed such risk?
Since when was he such a chicken?
He closed his eyes again to picture a slope. But instead, Kelsi’s teasing smile danced in front of him. Excitement surged. He gripped the armrests as he realised the thrill wasn’t just physical—it was total, mind and soul.
The elderly woman seated beside him gave him a cold look.
He couldn’t bring himself to care because his heart had suddenly grown too big for his chest and it was pounding too hard.
He was walking away from the biggest challenge of his life. He, who thought nothing of putting himself in physical danger, had been too scared to put his heart on the line. To tell her the truth. He needed to tell her about his mother, and about how he felt and what he wanted from her—as in everything. He couldn’t hide it any more, not from himself or from her. He had to be honest. That was all that mattered now.
His body ached all the more as he thought about baring himself so brutally. Would she respond in kind? Did she ever?
No. He almost laughed—but it hurt too much.
Kelsi covered up all the time—literally and emotionally. It was her specialty. He bent his head, inwardly groaning at his blindness. He already knew she’d lied—like when she’d said she hadn’t had morning sickness but he’d heard her. She’d been all defensive pride. She was terrified of getting too close, because she was even more terrified of rejection.
He tensed up as he thought of that. So had those devastating words been lies, too? When she’d said his leaving didn’t bother her? Had she been rejecting him before he could reject her? Like some warped method of self-defence?
He winced—both hopeful and devastated. She’d been hurt and he’d been hurt and they’d both been blind to each other.
Yet so much of what she’d said had been true—maybe he was selfish, and, yes, until now he’d never wanted to settle. The thought of being stuck in one place still made his blood bubble. But the security he sought now wasn’t of place, but of heart.
She was his home. She was the foundation that had been missing for ever.
He’d meant it when he’d said he had a lot to offer their child. And he had so much to offer her, too: his loyalty, his life, his love—and that was just for starters. And he wanted them both to be proud of him. The satisfaction would last for ever if he brought it home to share with the ones he loved. It would make everything worthwhile. And he wanted to support them in the same way—as they realised hopes and dreams and dealt with disappointments.
Way too late he realised he wanted it all with them. With her.
The bad feeling was worsening now. Had he suddenly got claustrophobic? Because he was finding it hard to breathe in this too-tiny cabin. His heart rate skipped faster. He straightened out his aching knee—having to twist on an angle to do it. The action earned him another frown from the woman seated next to him. He hated the fact the airline had cut first class from the domestic routes. He needed the space to stretch out today. Or to fidget.
Actually maybe it would be better if he just got off the plane. He really wasn’t feeling so good. But the light went on above his head and the little bell chimed. He obeyed the instruction and fastened his seat belt. It was too late now. It was time for take-off.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
KELSI sat at work ’til late because she wanted to delay going back to the big, empty house. But eventually she had to move—she didn’t want it to get dark before she walked home. The late summer sun still warmed the path but she felt cold and alone. She put her hand in her pocket and toyed with her phone. She had to talk to someone. And there really was only the one person who could come close to understanding.
She was silly for being so afraid to tell her. Now she realised there was nothing to be ashamed of—she loved the father of her baby, she wanted her baby and loved it already, too. Their situation might not ever be perfect, but nothing ever was, right? It could all be OK. She was proud of Jack, would welcome him into her child’s life whenever he was back. But she had to let him go—that was what loving him meant. And he was worthy of her love.
And her baby deserved all her pride.
So she finally phoned her mother.
A few tears, some laughter. A lot of understanding—and excitement, too. They talked almost her entire walk home. Relieved and emotional and alternately happy and despairing, Kelsi agreed to go and visit her mum soon.
As she turned down her street she put her phone away. Her pace slowed as she saw movement behind the fencing—up by the house. Had one of the builders stayed later to clean up something? The padlock on the chain was open, the gate ajar—waiting for her return.
He was sweeping dust from the deck. Tall and fit and undeniably Jack.
Her heart squeezed with joy. And then disappointment smashed it.
‘Alice told you.’ She was so happy to see him again but he wasn’t here for any of the right reasons. It hurt even more. ‘Jack, you need to go.’
She needed him to go now. Before she threw herself at him. His leaving was the worst thing that could happen to her but she had to let him go. He wasn’t capable of living the kind of life she needed. He didn’t want the same things from her as she wanted from him. She’d been right, they weren’t compatible in any of the things that mattered. But she loved him and he needed to be free.
He carefully leaned the broom against the wall. ‘I
’m not going.’
She carefully climbed the steps, forcing herself to keep her emotions in check. ‘But you love shredding the mountains. It’s your life.’
‘Life changes.’ He shrugged. ‘So do priorities.’
Damn it, she didn’t want fear to stop him from achieving. ‘But—’
‘I can’t win with you, can I?’ He suddenly blew up. ‘God, I actually thought you might be pleased to see me. But no matter what I do—the compromises I try to make—it’s never right for you. I’m not right.’ He took a step towards her, tension rolling off him. ‘What do I have to do for you? What do I have to do for you to want me?’
Desperately she held back her heart. ‘I don’t want you to be someone you’re not.’
‘But you can’t be with the person I am. I have no choice but to change, Kelsi. I’ll do whatever I have to do, to be with you.’
‘Look, I’m fine, Jack,’ Kelsi said, knowing she couldn’t believe what he was saying, knowing this was simply concern. ‘The baby is fine. I don’t know what Alice told you but—’
‘I haven’t talked to Alice,’ he interrupted roughly. ‘Whatever she wants can wait.’
Kelsi frowned. ‘But this is about the baby—’
‘You still don’t trust me, do you?’ he roared. ‘How the hell do I get you to trust me?’ Furious, he stalked over to her, yelling in her face. ‘This isn’t about the baby. This is about you. And me. And my inability to leave you.’
‘What?’
‘I don’t want to go without you, OK? I don’t want to leave you.’
‘But—’
‘Kelsi, I want to be with you more than I want anything in my life. More than anything. So I’m staying.’ He grabbed her shoulders with hard fingers. ‘I can’t have you come with me because I cannot cope with the idea of you being on the road while pregnant. That’s just not something I can handle. My mum died having me, Kelsi. They were halfway up a mountain and I came early and she haemorrhaged and there wasn’t the care she needed. So I need to know you’re in a city and near a hospital and safe. And, as irrational as that may be, you’re just going to have to let me away with it because that’s one thing I just can’t get past, so don’t expect me to. I can’t take you any place remote and vulnerable. It’s just not going to happen, OK?’