‘That’s unsustainable in the long run.’ She shook her head firmly. ‘The travel you need to do is hard enough—you need to be at your best for your business. And for Luke. You need to take him and stay overnight tonight. Come back when you’re done.’
He stood very still. ‘In the long run?’
‘We need to start as we’re going to carry on. This is one night. I know you’ll care for him,’ she said.
He watched her with an intent frown as if trying to parse some other meaning to her words.
‘Look, you’re taking Thomas.’ She tried to lighten her tone so she didn’t sound as if this were some death knell. Even though it felt like it. ‘You know, the nanny with all the amazing qualifications. And he’ll be with you, his father. Who loves him.’
‘You’re happy to let Luke go, just like that?’
She pressed her lips together for a moment to bite back the pain. ‘One night away is nothing compared to what you’ve already missed out on. And I’m not asking you to miss out on another night with him now I know how much it matters to you. I wouldn’t do that to you. Go.’ She was angry with him for not moving already—for making this harder than she wanted it to be. ‘I know you’ll care for him. I know you’ll bring him back safe and well and happy.’
‘So you’re doing this for my benefit?’ he queried quietly. ‘But what is it that you’re going to do?’
She didn’t want to discuss her plans with him; she wasn’t ready to yet. ‘I just need some time.’ She still tried to play it lightly.
‘Not away from Luke,’ he said with annoying perceptiveness. ‘You’re nearly in tears at the thought of being apart from him for one night.’
She stiffened, trying to stem the emotion from leaking out of every pore.
‘So, no need to offer any more clues.’ He stepped right in front of her. ‘It’s me you need some time from.’
His insistence broke her.
‘Yes,’ she gritted. ‘It’s you.’
He stiffened but he didn’t step back. ‘Why?’ He folded his arms and stared right into her eyes. ‘What have I done?’
She shook her head at his continued push. ‘Don’t be cruel.’
‘Cruel?’ Shock—and accusation—crackled in his voice. ‘All I’m asking for is honesty. I want to understand, Emmy. Have I done something wrong? It shouldn’t be that difficult to tell me.’
The face that he had no idea how difficult it was for her to even face him right now was so very telling. He had no idea of how she really felt. Of how he was hurting her. She glanced away from him.
‘I can’t do this—’ she muttered.
‘Be honest?’
‘That is so very you, Javier.’ She inhaled sharply. ‘You seek answers. But not intimacy.’
‘What does that even mean?’
‘You want to know things, so that way you can provide a neat solution and keep everything in your control. So you can pat yourself on the back, satisfied you’ve ticked all the boxes and done all you could. But you never make yourself vulnerable. You never offer all the answers of your own.’ She broke off. She didn’t want to slam him. She didn’t want to debate this when she was still figuring it out for herself. ‘Look, by inviting me to travel, you’re trying to include me in everything with Luke, I get that. And I appreciate it, especially when I wasn’t as fair at the start. But I’m just an added extra you don’t really want or need. And I don’t want to be that extra burden on you. Right now the financial aspect is too much already. I’m trying to work on that.’
‘You don’t need to—’
‘I do. For my own dignity I need independence.’
‘I have enough resources to support—’
‘Don’t you understand? That’s not what I want from you.’
‘Then what is?’
She stared at him. ‘You don’t want me to say what I really want. You won’t want to give it to me.’
‘Why not tell me and let me decide? Instead you’re throwing a grenade out the door with me and not being brave enough to deal with the fallout. I’m trying to do what’s right for all of us. Most especially for Luke.’
‘As am I,’ she tossed back hotly, her handle on her emotions slipping further still.
‘Really? You’re the one who won’t stick around anywhere long enough to establish real relationships. Who ran away to one of the world’s most remote places where other people pretty much only passed through. And you only stayed there because having Luke anchored you. You’re terrified to trust anyone. The second you think you’re at risk, you run—only this time you can’t, you’re stuck, so you’re pushing back on me. Why not be brave enough to be honest about what the damn problem is? Why not fight for yourself, Emmy?’
‘What do you think I’ve just done?’ She glared at him. ‘I’ve just told you...’ She trailed off in shock as everything rippled upwards from the depths in which she’d long suppressed it and she could no longer hold a word of it back. ‘I’ve been afraid for so long. Afraid of my family. Afraid of losing my place. Afraid people would find out about everything and they’d then reject me—because they have before. I lived on a knife edge all the time, just waiting for everything to go wrong, and that was a horrible way to live—’
‘How many times do I have to tell you I don’t care that half your family are criminals? It doesn’t bother—’
‘I know you don’t care, Javier,’ she snapped harshly. ‘I know that. That’s the point. That’s the problem here.’
He froze, his eyes wide and his face whitening.
‘You know what?’ she questioned, losing her control entirely. ‘You were right—I did seal myself away in a safe sanctuary. I’d not realised the extent to which I’d hidden away on the edge of the world, avoiding mostly everyone so I didn’t have to fear that judgement. But while it was paradise, I was missing so much. Then I met you and I had Luke and opened my world right up. Because I can’t deny him what I denied myself. I can’t keep him hidden away in some sanctuary where he doesn’t get everything he deserves. You were so right about that. But I deserve more too.’ She shook inside as every emotion, every yearning poured forth. ‘You want me to carve open my wounds and expose my bleeding heart, Javier? Fine. I’ll do that. Here’s my honesty. I can’t continue with the uncertainty of you “fading” on me, while I know the feelings I have for you won’t. Because I don’t just feel lust, Javier. I’ve fallen in love with you. But you don’t want to love me.’
He stared at her, an arrested—and appalled—expression in his eyes.
‘I know you believe you don’t want marriage or a long-term relationship—because it always ends in divorce, right?’ she barrelled along despite that horror in his face. ‘You tell yourself nothing lasts. Which means you don’t have to make the effort. It lets you off the hook. You don’t have to try. Why bother? It won’t last anyway. It’s lazy, Javier. And it’s cowardly.’ She glared at him. ‘Yet here you are, determinedly building beautiful buildings to last longer than your own lifetime. And even though you know there might be some seismic shift in the earth that breaks it apart anyway—you still go ahead and build it. But in your personal life, you can’t accept that some things might be beyond all your control but it’s worth braving it anyway. That it’s worth the risk...but you
won’t open yourself to the threat of that chaos. I’m not worth that risk to you. You’re happy to sleep with me. You’re happy to foot all my bills...but you’re not happy to truly commit to me, because this is just “chemistry,” right?’ Hurt ignited rage and every emotion poured from her in a torrent of sadness and regret. ‘But it isn’t—not for me. And I can’t live with that uncertainty and insecurity.’
Concern tightened his features and that expressionless—dead—look in his eyes that she’d grown to loathe emerged.
‘And you keep holding out on me,’ she cried bitterly when he didn’t respond. ‘You won’t open up to me. You use sex, or a laugh or your work or just this...just silence. You won’t ever say what you’re really, actually feeling.’
‘Emmy...’
It was the pity in his voice that did her in and destroyed the last of her hope. ‘No, don’t—’ She held up a hand, warding him off. Warning him not to step nearer. ‘Don’t try to tell me that it’s not just me, that it’s any woman. Any one. Because here’s the thing. I know you’re capable of love. I’ve seen it—you love Luke. But that’s different. That’s snuck up on you in a primal way that you have no choice over. You can’t deny it. And that is love. It is too big for someone to contain it, or conceal it...it leaks out. Like it’s leaking out of me right now. But you can deny it for me, because you don’t love me. So I can’t let things go on as they are knowing you can’t give me what I want. You don’t feel the same. And I get it. I’m not...what you really want. Fine. But you don’t get to monopolise the best of me. Not all of my time in this part of my life. I deserve more. I’ve missed out on so much and I can’t let myself settle for not good enough again. So I can’t... I can’t stay in this...undefined...sleeping-together arrangement. It’s tearing me apart. It’s destroying everything I’ve built for myself.’