He took one look at me and hit his AC on full blast. Sometimes focusing on that helped settle me.
I shut my door, and he didn’t say a word. He was driving down the side alley that led from our back parking lot to the street, and he paused before turning.
I looked up.
Natalie was right there. With Dean. They were coming out from the front door.
They saw me, then Cut turned toward them. He was focused on the street, so he didn’t see them.
They saw him.51Cut“I’m okay.” Her first words to me after we drove a few minutes.
Anxiety wasn’t anything new to me. My little brother had anxiety, so I knew she’d tell me what she needed, which she did. She needed me and we were heading out of there, but after that, I wasn’t going to bug her for details on what happened.
“You sure?”
She nodded.
I glanced at her, and she was drawing in a deep breath. Her eyes were closed, but she had some color coming back to her face. That was good.
“Stress just kicks things off, and I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Wanna talk about what happened?”
“Natalie came to see me.”
I almost swerved into the oncoming car. “What? Chad’s mom Natalie?”
She looked to me, her voice calm. “Hunter’s mom Natalie.”
“What’d she have to say?”
Her tone got low. “She apologized to me.”
My hands tightened over the steering wheel.
That was a good thing. Wasn’t it?
“I’m okay. I am. This will pass. I’m just off my cycle because I missed so many days, and I didn’t do my cardio this morning.”
“You’re sounding clearer.”
She nodded, but her eyes were still closed. “I’m so sick of this.”
I liked that she texted that she needed me. I really liked that I was so close, since I did a late lunch with my agent downtown. And her anxiety, I could handle it. Her other stuff, I could handle that, too. But this, with what I was starting to hear from her, I wasn’t getting a good feeling and that, I didn’t like.
“Sick of what?”
“This.” She was pointing to her head. “I have to be fucking perfect to maintain. That’s it. I’m just trying to maintain. Then someone walks into my office and says nice things to me and looks at me. I had to text you to come and get me. Fucking pathetic.”
“Hey! Don’t ever say that. Ever.”
She quieted, but her voice came out gravelly. “It’s the truth. It’s selfish of me to put you through this. You want to team up with me? Having to come and get me at a moment’s notice? That’s not a relationship. That’s a caretaker. I can’t fix what’s up here, and trust me, I’ve tried. I have to be perfect just to keep my head quiet at times, and that’s not fair to you. You could be with someone normal, someone who can take care of you—”
“Stop talking.”
“—and what else? I mean, what if you want to marry me? God forbid. You want this for a whole lifetime? I’ll wear you out within the first two years. Children? You want kids? I can’t have kids. I can’t bring someone into this world and give them what I have. Put someone through the suffering that I endure daily. That would be selfish of me. It’s unbelievably selfish of me not to walk away from you—”
“Stop it!”
A fast food parking lot was on our right, and fuck it. I hit the turn signal and made a sharp turn, parking in the first slot I saw.
I cut the engine and turned on her. “I don’t want to ever hear you say that shit about yourself. And you don’t get to decide for me. I do. I choose. I choose who I want to be with, who I don’t, and I choose you. You. Got it?”
A tear fell from her eye, tracking down her cheek to her chin.
Her eyes held mine. I didn’t think she knew it was there, and cursing, I reached over to wipe it away.
“I love you.” I was holding her face in my hand.
Her eyes kept glued to mine, and she asked, “Why? Again. Why?”
I’d never felt this before.
I felt fury. I felt like I wanted to rip an opponent’s head off. I felt all those emotions when I hit the rink, but off the ice, I wasn’t emotional. Easygoing. Go with the flow. That was me, but not with her. Since that first party, and I just fell harder and harder each time she stripped herself down for me.
“Why?” I repeated her question. Had I heard that right?
A second tear fell and she bit her lip before nodding, her head still in my hand.
“I love you because you have every reason to be angry at the world, and you’re not. You wake up smiling, and you stay smiling. You’d choose laughter over anything, all day and every day.”