There is a moment before Sash finally finds the words to respond. When she does, they catch in her throat initially before they spill out, tripping over her tongue and her lips in rapid bursts. She’s mad and this is the final straw.
“You-you-you want to take my virginity? This is what this is all about? And what then? You run away like you did with Tess, like you’ve already done with me a hundred times. No, Dante. No. Not this. This is one step too far. We need to leave.”
Sash paces up and down and points at the door. When she realizes neither of them are moving towards it, she goes and sits back down.
Dante shakes his head. “I’m never going to run away again”, he says softly. “Don’t you get it? I’m in love with you. I would do anything to be with you. This is an expression of my love and our commitment to one another.”
“Our commitment?”, Sash says, mocking him. “You want to take what I refused to give you. You want to change the past.”
“This isn’t just about me, Sash, it’s about us. I want us to have the one thing we never could.”
“The one thing I didn’t give you.”
“We made a mistake”, Dante says. “I did and you did too. We were always meant for each other, and this is a way of us making sure we start again in the most perfect way possible. When we do this, and we make love for the very first time, think how amazing it will feel to know that we are doing exactly what we always wanted to do. I did this for us, Sash, I thought you’d be happy about it.”
He’s serious about this. Sash doesn’t know whether his disillusion makes it better or worse. Why are they even talking about this? Why hasn’t she already run a mile. What is keeping her here?
“Happy?” Sash says, her eyes fixed on his. “I’m happy with you, Dante, don’t you get that? I couldn’t be happier knowing I have you and that we are together, but this?-. This is. I don’t even know what this is. I can’t process what you are asking me to do.”
Now Dante is the one on his feet pacing around.
“I need this, Sash”, he says, changing tact. “Do it for me if not for you.”
Sash shakes her head again. In her gut she feels a whip of guilt, twisting her insides. She couldn’t give him what he always wanted. She can feel his hurt more viscerally than ever.
“Why?” Sash asks, even though she already knows the answer. “Why does it make any difference at all?”
“Because it eats me up inside”, Dante says. “Because I can’t forgive myself for walking out on you. Because every moment of every day I regret it, and I would give anything to turn back the clock and have that moment again.”
Sash can feel her heart beating. This is her stepbrother laying himself bare. This is three years of hurt he’s carried around like a cross on his back. This is what she’s done to him.
“I love you”, Sash says. “You know I do. I wanted it to be you, I always did, but this, Dante-.”
Dante closes the distance between them, already noticing a shift in the way Sash feels.
“It’s not too late, Sash. We still can.”
Sash looks away and then back to her stepbrother when he insists on it. She can see how important it is to him, whether she agrees it’s something they should do or not. “It’s all been about this, hasn’t it?” she says, her voice already softer, as though she’s trying to understand him. “Bringing me here.”
“I just want us to start over”, Dante says. “Go back to where we should have begun.”
He’s on his knees now by her chair, her hands in his, supplicating himself as much as he feels is self respectful to do. He knows his stepsister well, and gentle persuasion and reasoned argument have always worked the best on her. All he needs to do is show her how much he will fight to keep her and how much she is of value to him.
“Can’t you see, Sash? Can’t you see how much you mean to me?”
Sash turns her hands over in his, lays them palm up and observes her fingers. She runs her index finger along the life line in his right palm, and then traces the love line and the several other creases that lead towards his wrist as though trying to read an ancient map.
“Why didn’t you tell me before, so we could talk about it? Why didn’t you say this was what you needed?”
“I thought you’d understand”, Dante says. “I thought you’d want it too. I’m sorry. I fucked up again.”
Sash sighs. There is a moment that passes where a tear forms in her right eye, tumbles over her lower eyelid and spills out across her cheek. She wipes it away when it begins to tickle. This time Dante is the one to feel the balance of power shift in his favor.
“I’m shocked, that’s all”, Sash says trying to justify it to herself. “I didn’t expect this. After this morning, It’s a lot to take in, you know. You’re asking me to undergo an operation. That’s a big thing. Seriously, Dante, it’s fucking huge. I didn’t even know this option even existed. I mean, what if it goes wrong or, you know, I mean, how different can it feel anyway? You feel incredible inside me just normally.”
She strokes the side of his face and puts her hand under his chin, desperate to see the storms in his eyes once again. It’s clear how much she means to him, Sash can see it.
“It’s a simple procedure. I would have told you if it wasn’t”, Dante says. “I wouldn’t have brought you here at all if it was something that wasn’t easy to go through. It’s nothing, really. Not even intrusive. It really is simple. That’s why-. I don’t know, I just thought it wouldn’t be an issue, that’s all. Like going to the optician to get a pair of glasses or the dentist to have your teeth whitened.”
Sash can’t help but smile when she sees the corners of her stepbrother’s lips curl up.
“That easy, huh?” she says.
“That easy”, Dante nods.
“Look, I guess, I don’t know, maybe just the shock of it, maybe because I just didn’t expect it. One thing is the operation, the other thing is needing to have it done, you know.”
Dante gets back up on his seat now, shifting it and hers, so they are face to face. There is something Sash finds appealing about that simple movement, as though by doing it, Dante demonstrates more than at any other point that he will always protect her. Their knees are so close they are almost touching, and Sash can feel that electric buzz of desire run through her again.
“Sash, you’ll be a virgin again, what’s there not to like about that? You know how many girls dream about that?”
“Being a virgin hurts”, Sash says, but already Dante can see her mood has lightened enough to joke around.
“You don’t see how symbolically important that is for us? Plus, it doesn’t hurt forever. Maybe initially. I mean, you’ll know more than I do. Don’t you want me to be responsible for that hurt? Didn’t you always?”
“Yes”, Sash says coyly.
“It’s a one hour procedure”, Dante says confidently, as though Sash has already made her mind up to definitely go ahead with it. “Dr Chaudrey is the best at this in the whole world, that’s why we’re here in L.A and not back in New York. He’s performed this operation almost every day for the last fifteen years. It’s simple. Nothing can go wrong. You’ll feel a little tender afterwards but nothing more. They don’t even give you a general anesthetic. Think about it Sash. Think what it will mean to me and what it’ll mean for our relationship.”
An agonizing moment passes. Three times Sash begins to say something before cutting herself short and beginning again.
“You really want this, don’t you?” she asks finally.
“Sash, I need this. If you give me this, I will give you anything that you want, I promise.”
Sash is back up on her feet. She stands at the window to look out on the street below and the city in the distance. A young boy runs around on the grounds with his father, while a woman, whom Sash presumes is the mother, talks on her mobile phone. A dog sniffs hedgerows while Sash counts as cars and cyclists go past. It’s a normal day in a normal world.
“Anything?” Sash asks, her gaze fixed on the world through the
glass.
“You name it.”
Sash turns around to him. “I want people to know about us.”
Dante hangs his head at the end of a long sigh. “Sash, you know we can’t, we’ve already spoken about that. It would ruin us so much we’d never be able to be together anyway. There would be no point.”
“I don’t mean telling the whole world”, Sash says, “but I don’t want us to run around in secret for the rest of our lives either. This is burning me up inside, Dante. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about us. I’ve fought these feelings for you for a long time and hidden them deep down inside. I’ve struggled along alone and that has been so difficult for me. I want to tell Abbey and I want us to tell our parents. If I do this for us, you have to do that for us too.”
Dante considers this a moment.
“Your dad will absolutely freak out”, Dante says, his lips curled up into a smile.
“Dad will understand”, Sash says. “It’s your mom that’ll freak, Abbey too. You know she’s had a crush on you for years.”
Sash comes back to her chair to sit down. This time she pulls it as close to her stepbrother as possible, their legs interlinked.
“You’ll let me take your virginity if I do that?”
Sash shrugs her shoulders. “Don’t think it’ll be that easy, mister”, she says. “I’m not a slut. You’ll have to wine and dine me first, I want it to be special.”
Dante can’t keep the grin off his face. He wants to get up and dance. He wants to punch the air in celebration. Finally, he’s going to get what he has always wanted. Finally, he’s going to take his stepsister’s virginity. He knew he could do it, he knew she’d come round to him eventually.
“Don’t worry about that”, Dante says. “I’ll make sure it’s more special than anything you’ve ever experienced before.”
Chapter 4
There are three people on Caulder’s list. The names are written in a near illegible scrawl that reads like a reminder of what to buy from the supermarket. They are, in no particular order, Isabella Gardener, Henry Cooper and Alex De Montfort.