Fine.
My hands tremble. I want to type more than that. I want to send a middle finger emoji like you wouldn’t believe, but I don’t.
I have a whole long cab ride to think about what I’m going to say. Or maybe it’s better to think of what I’m not going to say—words of forgiveness and nice and sympathetic things. Nope. I’m done with that. I’m done with being the too nice girl who was too dumb to see what was right in front of her face. I’m done with being the girl her parents felt so sorry for that they thought she needed an arrangement to be looked after. I’m going to be the girl who thinks Luke is a douchebag and treats him like he can’t be trusted.
A hot douchebag. Damn it!
By some miracle, I’m not a wreck when the cab stops in front of Luke’s house. I do manage to get the words out, telling the guy to wait. As I drag myself up the driveway and onto the front step, I feel like I’m doing some kind of walk of shame. No. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I didn’t do anything wrong. I tilt my head up just as the door opens.
Luke flies out past me. I barely have time to even catch a glimpse of what he’s wearing as he strides quickly to the cab. He bends low to the driver’s window, pulls out his wallet, and hands over some bills. Then, he waves in thanks as the cab pulls away.
He’s much slower to walk up the driveway. Is it my imagination, or is he dragging his feet too? Maybe he’s trying to find the right words. I pointedly ignore the heat that blooms in my stomach at the sight of him after a few weeks apart. He looks even bigger and broader than I remember, but Luke’s like that. No matter how good looking you think he is, he’s always going to be better in person. Memory is like a pale shade of the real Luke, and it’s never going to do him justice.
“It doesn’t matter what you’re going to say. There are no right words, so don’t even try to find them,” I snap as he walks past me. I want to put it out there, but I’m also pissed at my body’s immediate and traitorous reaction to him. He’s just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Regular everyday clothes. I shouldn’t find him so enthralling.
Luke nods as he pulls open the door for me. I’m here, and it would look horrendous on my part to turn around and leave. I’m not a coward, and I refuse to be thought of as such.
The house is both familiar and different. It’s neater, and there’s a plate of cookies on the coffee table in the living room—gingersnaps. They look and smell homemade.
“I see Shade was right about the new nanny. She doesn’t burn anything.”
“Nope, she doesn’t.” Luke sits.
I do too. As far away from him on the couch as possible. I basically jam the arm into my side just to make sure I’m literally as far as I can go. Wouldn’t want to leave that extra quarter-inch just in case he misunderstands it. I don’t help myself to those perfect, sugar encrusted, spicy scented cookies that make my mouth water. I do, irrationally, detest whoever this new nanny is.
“So. Are you banging her too?”
Luke looks surprised for a second. Then he breaks into a grin. This guy seriously has balls of steel to sit there and smile at that. “No. Mary Anne is actually in her sixties.”
“So?”
“Even I have limits.”
“Good to know.”
Luke gets serious again. He’s giving me a contrite look, but I quickly tear my eyes away and study my hands. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to see he’s sorry, and I don’t want to believe it either.
“Feeney, I—”
“You are not a very nice person, and I don’t even like you.”
“I know.”
“You were a dick. An asshole. You played with my feelings.”
“No. I never did that.”
“So you say.”
“So I say, and so I mean it. I’m sorry. I made a mistake. You know all of it, so I’m not going to rehash it all. I’ll just tell you I am sorry. I truly am, for all of it, except the parts where I started to have feelings for you. That wasn’t a lie, and it wasn’t part of any plan. Whatever my intentions were or however it started, it ended up that way, and I’m not sorry for it. But I am sorry you were hurt and that you felt like we were trying to do anything but keep you safe. I’m sorry you had to find out the way you did, were lied to, were confused and upset about the whole thing, had to run from your own family and friends, and even from me when you should have been able to trust us. I’m sorry. Truly, honestly, and incredibly sorry.”