She nodded with confidence. “It means he comes to sleepovers sometimes and that you might kiss and he thinks you’re pretty.”
The only reason I didn’t chuckle was because I had enough practice at not laughing at the adorable things that my children said. “And you’re okay with that?”
“Of course,” she answered. “You are pretty. And he makes you smile. You’re even prettier when you smile. Plus he always gives me an extra scoop of ice cream, and he said we’d go riding on his motorcycle when I got taller.”
Another punch in the chest.
Though my motherly instincts screamed at me at the thought of my daughter or son riding on a motorcycle, I knew that would almost inevitably happen at some point. I also knew that with Lily on the back of Kace’s bike, he’d drive like an eighty-year-old.
That wasn’t what the chest punch was from. It was from the fact that Ranger never got to do that. Lily wouldn’t have a memory of that.
How long would Kace be here to give her those memories? Would he be the man she remembered who gave her ice cream and let her ride on his bike before he disappeared? Would he still be there when she was in high school? To threaten her first boyfriend?
Those were big thoughts. Scary thoughts. Ones that made me question everything. I couldn’t fuck with my kids, take some man away from them again. But I also couldn’t take away the possibility of having someone like Kace in their lives.This morning was still heavy on my mind when Kace came in after work. My house was the first place he went when he was done at the garage. His clothes mingled with Ranger’s in the closet now. I knew I had to get rid of them. Ranger’s clothes. Especially now that they were hanging beside another man’s.
Kace didn’t say anything about them. Did nothing to push Ranger’s presence out of the house.
That didn’t make it better, though. Didn’t make me feel any less confused. Especially since Kace was all but living here now.
It was too soon.
Much too soon.
Especially for the kids, who I watched like a hawk for any kind of emotional trauma stemming from Kace’s presence. There was none. If anything, they seemed better than before.
But still, I felt off with all of the changes. Worried that new memories with Kace would erase the old ones they had with their father.
So all those thoughts were tumbling through my head, along with the whole ‘someone’s trying to kill me thing’, when Kace got back.
Luckily, I was distracted with making dinner. With the kids talking during dinner. With bed time routines. I knew Kace saw the way I forced my smiles. The way I wouldn’t meet his eye. But he waited. Waited until the kids were in bed. Waited for us to watch an episode of True Blood. Finished getting ready for bed. He didn’t push. Eventually, he probably would, if I kept up the distant routine too long. But first, he was trusting me to work through it and talk to him when I was ready.
That made me like him even more. It made it so much harder to fight this. To keep my walls up.
“Why don’t you want someone your own age?” I blurted, as we were getting into bed.
Kace didn’t seem surprised or offended. “Why are you so focused on age?” he countered.
I frowned. “Well, how about the fact that the whole point of being young is to enjoy life being irresponsible, selfish and unattached. Not to hitch your wagon to a horse that has a bunch of problems not to mention two children,” I replied. “You’re hot as shit. You chose this life because you wanted freedom. Getting into a relationship with me is the opposite of freedom.”
“I didn’t choose this life because I wanted to be free,” Kace argued. “I chose it because I wanted family. Brotherhood. I grew up bouncing from one foster home to another. Some good. Most not. Aside from television sitcoms, I had no idea what family was, and even as a kid I was smart enough to know that was bullshit.”
He paused, running his hands through his hair. “I knew that any kind of conventional family was lost to me. So I sought out the Sons. From the start, I haven’t been after that kind of life, fucking whatever moves, answering to nobody. Sure, it was fun for a while, but it was meaningless. Empty. Had enough empty shit in my life. I wanted a family outside of the MC. An Old Lady.” He stroked my face. “Got everything I want with you, baby.”
My heart skipped at that. At what his eyes told me. The truth in them. It was beautiful, to be sure. If I had a younger, kinder heart, it would’ve been his long ago. And it would’ve melted at his words now. But it was old, wounded, scarred. My heart was harder to own. It definitely didn’t melt anymore. It was in survival mode.