“You take whatever time you need.”
“Dex—”
“He’s back. Seems to have a clearer head. He can handle Crystal Ball. If he can’t for some reason, I’ll help him figure it out. Just focus on your son right now.”
My throat tightens. Rock hates working at the strip club our MC owns. Pretty much dropped the day-to-day running of it in my lap once he and Hope got together. So, it means a lot to me that he’s willing to take it on again to give me this time. “Thanks.”
As he pulls the truck through the gate to the clubhouse, Hope squeezes my shoulder again. “If you need anything at all—” she pauses and glances at Rock. “—and it’s not something Rock can help with, please promise you’ll call me.”
“I will.”
“Anything, Z. I mean it.”
I reach up and squeeze her hand. “Thank you. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t run into her.”
A slight tension runs through the hand I’m holding. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s pissed at Lilly. “I’m glad I was there,” is all she says.
Part of me wonders how hard Lilly fought Hope. Did Hope have to push Lilly to agree to meet me? Did she try and ask Hope to keep things quiet? They were friends for years before I got tangled up with Lilly.
Do I really want to know the answers to those questions?
As we pull around to the front of the clubhouse, I spot Wrath’s giant, bulky frame swaggering down the front steps. He stops and waves at us. Rock parks next to the garage and I turn his way. “Can you fill Wrath in for me? And let the club know why I’m ghosting on everyone for a few days?”
His mouth twists in a not-unkind smile. “Gonna be more than a few days.”
“You know what I mean.”
“We’ll handle it,” Hope assures me.
I jump out and barely avoid a lung-crushing bear hug from Wrath. “Can’t right now. Gotta go.” I slap his shoulder as I hustle by.
Behind me, I hear Hope’s soft voice. She must be explaining the situation to him because before the clubhouse door closes behind me, Wrath bellows, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Tell me about it,” I mutter as I jog upstairs. Thankfully, I don’t encounter anyone else on the way to my room.
Inside, I put my back against the door, allowing my head to bang against the wood. For a few brief seconds, I close my eyes.
Family. Kids. I won’t admit it often in front of my brothers. Hell, I’ve probably only said it out loud once—to Hope. But I’ve wanted my own for a while now.
But not like this.
My fists clench.
I’m scared by how much I wanted to wrap my hands around Lilly’s perfect neck and squeeze really fucking hard.
I’d never hurt her. That’s why the impulse bothers me so much.
It’s too soon to examine the other feelings I had. The ones where I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and kiss her again. I haven’t felt those soft, plush lips against mine in way too long.
Stop thinking about making out with Lilly and get in the shower.
Jesus, I met my son with the scent of two women I couldn’t care less about still clinging to me. Maybe that’s why Lilly did this.
No, that’s on her. Never would’ve been with those girls if Lilly hadn’t disappeared from my life.
And hidden the existence of my son from me. Let’s not forget that part.
“Fuck,” I mutter on the way to the bathroom.
One quick, scalding shower later, I’m packing a bag. Throwing in random pairs of jeans, some T-shirts, socks, I don’t even know. I’m just eager to get the fuck out of here.
I’d like to bring something for Chance. But what?
Downstairs, Wrath’s waiting.
“I can’t right now,” I say, holding up my hand.
“I’m here when you need me, brother.” He reaches out and thumps me on the back, saying more than words could right now. “Trin and I will keep the dogs at our place. Make sure they eat more than the weed and Doritos Sparky and Stash will feed them. Don’t want you to worry about a thing except spending time with your boy.”
“Thanks,” I rasp. Shit. Does Chance like dogs? Has he ever been around one? Ziggy and Zipper love watching over Alexa and Grace. I can’t wait to introduce them to Chance.
In the garage, our ginger-haired Road Captain is wedged inside the back door of my truck fiddling with something. When I get closer, my throat tightens with emotion.
This motherfuckin’ family of mine wants to see me cry today.
“Murphy?” I choke out.
He backs out of the truck and lifts his chin. “Hope filled me in.” He gestures toward the car seat now installed in the back of my truck.
“What are you…Where did you?”
He waves off the half-questions. “From my truck. Thought you’d prefer it to the one Heidi has in her car—it’s pink.”
“You need it, bro.”
“Nah, I can grab the one out of Hope’s car if I need to. I’ll even use the pink one.” He laughs for a second, then stops. “You don’t have time to stop and fuck around with buying one now.”
You’ve lost enough time.
He doesn’t say it, but the thought ripples in the air between us.
I hadn’t even thought far enough ahead to consider day-to-day items like what my son should sit in when he’s in the truck with me.
Murphy looks at the seat again. “I’m not sure how big he is, but it’s supposed to be good up until forty pounds.”
Chance didn’t feel like forty pounds.
Anger sizzles through my veins. I have no idea how big my own kid is. What size he is. What he needs. Nothing.
Godfuckingdammit!
I take a breath. Shake it off. I don’t want to be in a foul mood when I see Chance again.
Murphy seems to understand the torment tearing my insides apart. “It’s gonna be okay, Z.” He doesn’t ask questions or say anything shitty about Lilly, just pulls me in for a quick hug before giving me some last-minute instructions about the seat and sending me on my way.
Four
Lilly
“You sure you don’t want me to stay?” Alex asks for about the tenth time since he carried Chance inside.
“I’ll be fine.”
He pauses. Stares at the door. Rakes his fingers through his hair.
“Alex. Seriously, I’ll be fine.”
“If he shows up with his biker posse and tries to take Chance, what are you going to do then?”
“He’s not like that.” Damn, I’m getting tired of this.
“Then why?”
My jaw tightens. As much as I appreciate all the help my brother’s given me over the last couple years, I’m not going there with him.
He sighs. “Fine. I know you wouldn’t do anything to put Chance in danger. So, if you trust the thug, I guess I’ll have to trust him too.”
“Stop calling him names.” My gaze darts toward the hallway. That’s the last thing I want Chance to hear about his father.
“I can’t figure you out, sis.”
“You don’t need to figure me out.” Instantly I regret using such a sharp tone with Alex. “I’m sorry.”
My big lumberjack of a brother isn’t usually touchy-feely, but he lets me hug him. “Thank you for going with me,” I mumble against his shoulder.
“What was I going to do? Let Hope drag you and Chance to meet with the…with Z alone? I don’t think she
was taking no for an answer. Don’t blame her either.” He pulls back. “How come you never told me she has a kid now?”
I slip out of his embrace and slap his chest. “The scary guy with Z was Hope’s husband. I’d let that one go if I were you.”
“Jesus. She went from the nerdy engineer to an outlaw biker?” He shakes his head and a hint of a smile plays over his lips.
Only Alex could make me laugh right now.
“Are you going to Mom’s?”
“If you need me, I won’t be far.” He glances around. “Take your time. Do what you need to do to work things out.” His mouth turns down. “You’re going to have to arrange some sort of custody or visitation schedule with him. If he takes you to court—”
“Alex, let me worry about it. Everything will be fine.” Somehow, my voice conveys a lot more confidence than I actually possess.
I have no evidence to prove anything will be fine. For all I know, Hope’s drawing up legal papers right this second. She’d been livid once she realized Z had to be the father of my son. No amount of trying to reassure her that I planned to contact Z as soon as I got settled seemed to appease her. No, my tenacious, passionate friend promised to show up on my doorstep with Z if I didn’t agree to meet up at the park. Immediately. At least she didn’t suggest the clubhouse.
The idea of some long, drawn-out custody battle makes me ill. After more turmoil than I want to dwell on, I’ve built a safe, simple, happy life for us out in California.
But I always knew it couldn’t last.
I’ve made Chance my entire world and now I’ll have to share him.
“Dad’s recovery will probably take a while since he refuses to listen to a damn thing the doctors say. When are you going back to California? Or will you stay?”
“I have twelve weeks of family leave to figure it out.” I tilt my head and absorb the familiar surroundings. “I’ve missed home, though.”
Five
Z
My mind’s moving at the same speed as my truck as I rocket up the Northway.
I’m a father.