Reaching for the light string, I squeeze my eyes closed so the light doesn’t blind me. When I open them back up, Frankie has already pulled her shirt down, and she’s flipped the horse blanket so her bottom half is covered. I don’t respond in kind, having no issue with standing naked. My half-hard cock isn’t opposed to being the center of attention either. A ridiculous sense of pride fills my chest when I notice the pink tinge of blood at the base of my cock. I knew she was a virgin, but the barbaric proof on my skin lights a fire inside of me. I want to own her, to possess her, to command every second of her attention. I want to scream into the night that I’m claiming her and she’s off-limits to everyone else.
“What’s that?”
Guilt rushes over me as I look to where Frankie is pointing. The unused condom is already covered with bits and pieces of hay.
“Did you… You didn’t wear one?” Her wide eyes find mine, and tears pool on her lower lashes. “I’m not on birth control, Zeke!”
“I couldn’t get it to work,” I argue, snapping my jaw shut right before explaining to her that I’ve never put one on before. It was dark, and I think I may have had it upside down or something, but the damn thing wouldn’t roll down. “I needed you too badly.”
It’s a flimsy, lame ass excuse, but it’s the damn truth. I wasn’t thinking of anything else other than sliding inside of her since the second she called my name from the tack room door. I needed just a moment, a blip in time when my world wasn’t imploding around me. She was my solace, my refuge from the pain building in my chest, my sole focus.
“This is bad,” she mumbles. “So very bad.”
Her eyes are still locked on the unused latex littering the floor, so I kick it to the side.
I don’t want her upset or thinking about anything but the time we just shared. It wasn’t ideal. It wasn’t perfect. It was over long before I wanted it to be, but it was still special, even to me. We gave each other something we’ll never be able to give someone else, and with that thought my guilt doubles.
I never checked with her to make sure that’s what she wanted. Sure she insisted on the condom, and to me that’s as good as permission, but I never really gave her the chance to think about it, a moment to reconsider. Even in my desperate need for her, I would’ve stopped had she really wanted me to.
Feeling like an asshole, I crouch down in front of her, cupping both of her still-flushed cheeks in my hands. Her eyes still refuse to meet mine, so I press gentle lips to her forehead, resting them there and taking a deep calming breath.
“You won’t get pregnant,” I assure her. “It doesn’t happen the first time.”
I have no clue how true that statement is, but when I pull my face back, I can tell Frankie doesn’t believe me anyway.
“That’s not my only concern,” she whispers, her eyes focused on her lap.
“I’m clean,” I assure her. I can’t tell her I was a virgin, too. Guys my age aren’t virgins. None of my friends in school are. I even let them believe I had sex long ago with a girl from a neighboring town, just to avoid the taunting and peer pressure.
“I should get dressed and get back to my room.”
There’s no emotion in her tone, and that makes me nervous. Frankie has never been one to pull back on her emotions. When she’s happy, she smiles. When she’s pissed, look out because she’s coming for you. When she’s upset, her eyes glisten with tears. The only time she checks her emotions is when her nan is around.
Right now, her face is blank, expressionless, and it makes me cautious.
“Can you stay with me, just a little longer?”
She doesn’t answer, but she also doesn’t stand to get dressed, so I pull away from her only long enough to pull the light string. Once we’re encased in darkness, I lie down on the cold floor and urge her to my chest, hating the blanket that separates us.
Resting my chin on the top of her head, I stare into the darkness. It would be so easy to spend the rest of my life right here with her. There are no worries, and if I focus hard enough, I can almost forget about the situation left waiting for me at home. In this moment with her, I can forget about what needs to be done, leave what I have to handle for tomorrow.
But as she relaxes and her breathing evens out, I know I can’t avoid it forever. I have to get up, get dressed, and face a world my dad no longer inhabits.