The pain is nothing like I’ve heard it would feel like. It isn’t a tiny pinch, or a mild discomfort. It burns, stinging with every inch he pushes into me, and as tears swell and fall toward my temples, I want to shove him away.
But then he lowers the top half of his body, the heat of his chest pressing against mine as he buries his face in my neck, and the shudder of his shoulders and the quiet sob that leaves his lips is more excruciating than anything I’ve ever felt before.
I cling to him, hoping that the grip of my hands on his back is enough to ease his pain. I realize it may not be enough when he takes another gasping breath, so I spread my legs further and wrap them low on his back.
And as I lie there, aching from his intrusion, I know I just willingly handed over another first to a boy who will hate me once again when the sun rises.Chapter 25Zeke
Nothing compares to how she feels.
The fantasies I’ve entertained while unable to sleep at night have nothing on the actual feel of her wrapped around me. The clutch of her core is amazing, but it’s the way she’s wrapped her arms around my back, legs around my hips that takes some of the bite out of my day.
Nothing prepared me for this.
Not the heavy petting that happened with Megan freshman year.
Not the hand job Darlene gave me after fall formal two years ago.
Not the sloppy, yet enthusiastic blow job Jill gave me after our final football game last fall.
Absolutely nothing. This is a one of a kind, out of this world feeling.
And yet, no matter how good Frankie feels, it doesn’t stop the guilt from surfacing.
I didn’t expect my first time to be like this. Call me corny, but I wanted passion. I wanted to take my time. I wanted to make sure the girl I was with wanted it as much as I did, that she was ready for this step. I wanted it to be with someone I could have a future with.
I don’t imagine Frankie pictured being taken roughly on the hardwood floor of a barn as her picture perfect first time either, but here we are. I’m as deep in her as her body will allow, yet I’m unable to move.
It’s too damn good, and mere seconds in, it’s already close to being over.
I try to blank my mind because there’s too much going on in my head to think of something that will take my mind off it long enough to make this good for her too.
“Zeke?” she whispers. “Are you okay?”
I haven’t moved, and even as a virgin, she’s well aware this isn’t how it works. Without answering her, I shift my hips back, the sensation of her flesh tugging down my length too much to even worry with the way she winces. The next time will be better for her, I vow in my head as I press forward again.
“Play with your pussy,” I manage, but my body is already betraying me. My balls are seizing up, threatening to explode.
“What?” Her nose crinkles up at the brash command.
I don’t explain. Not only do I not have the ability, but I’d never be able to confess my failure right now. So instead, I press my mouth to her lips, rolling my tongue against hers as I succumb to my body’s needs.
She whimpers when I swell further inside of her, but she never pulls her lips from mine. I kiss her through my orgasm, doing my best to keep most of my weight off of her as my body jerks and convulses.
My head is swimming, but I manage to drop down to my elbows, cocooning her face as I continue to kiss her. I press soft kisses to her lips, her jawline, even brushing a few to her cheeks and eyelids.
“Are you okay?” I ask when my heart rate drops enough to speak.
“I think so.” Her fingers trail up and down my back, and she makes no move to push me away.
“It’ll be better next time,” I vow, my body already waking up to the idea of being inside of her again.
“Are you okay?” she asks, but she doesn’t have any idea how loaded of a question it is.
I’m not okay. I’ll never be okay again.
“I’m great,” I tell her, but even with limited visibility in this tiny room, I have to look away.
“I mean… before. You seemed—”
“I’m fine,” I assure her as I gingerly move my hips back. I hate the way her face scrunches in pain, but I have to put some distance between us.
Even after what we just did, I can’t be vulnerable with her right now. I’m a few kind words from shattering completely, and breaking isn’t an option. My mom needs me to be strong.