“You didn’t admit it to her, did you?”
“No, I played it cool.”
“Good, keep doing that. She has no concrete proof.”
I sigh heavily. “I’m not really worried about getting in trouble. It’s more that I feel guilty. I should’ve sent him to another therapist as soon as these feelings started.”
“You still could, right?” Amelia says.
I think about it for a few seconds and shake my head. “Part of me wants to, but…I just can’t. I know I can help him. I just need to set aside my feelings for him and focus on his recovery. There’s so much on the line here; it’s a lot bigger than me thinking he’s sexy.”
“Do you think you’re the only one who can help him?”
I shrug, unable to meet her gaze. “That sounds really arrogant, doesn’t it?”
“Well…a little.”
“We’ve made progress. He’s starting to open up.”
Amelia pats her clay mask, which is completely dry now and starting to crack. “I need to go rinse. Here’s my advice—keep doing what you’re doing. Rehab is hard, messy work. That chick needs a kick in the ass. Don’t let her mess with your head.”
“You don’t think it’s unprofessional of me to keep treating a patient I’m attracted to?”
Amelia smiles. “You’re not the first or the last therapist to find a patient attractive. What matters is whether you act on it while he’s your patient.”
I nod. “Thanks for listening, it helps.”
“Stop beating yourself up for being human.”
Amelia heads for the bathroom, unwrapping the towel from her hair on the way. I get up and return to cleaning out the refrigerator.
Immediately, my thoughts wander to what Alexei’s doing right now. I know there’s a journaling class at Beckett, but that’s probably not his scene. Yoga, maybe?
I hope when we resume sessions on Monday, the awkwardness between us will have passed. I needed to put a wall in place, but I can’t tell him why.
My desire to help him get and stay sober is stronger than ever, though. That needs to be my one and only focus when it comes to Alexei Petrov.12Alexei“Wanna bone?” Gia asks me with a sly smile.
“Uh…”
I glance around the Beckett dining hall, caught off guard.
“Don’t worry, I’m on the pill.”
“Oh, no, it’s…” I point in the direction of Graysen’s office. “My session starts in ten minutes.”
“She can wait.” Gia shrugs and then narrows her eyes at me. “Come on, stop with the charade, Alexei. We both know you’re no choirboy rule follower.”
I shrug back. “That’s true. But I break the rules when I want to. And right now I want to go to my session.”
“Bullshit. Talking in circles with that frosty bitch can’t be more appealing than a blowjob.”
Just hearing the word makes my cock twitch to life. I’ve never gone this long without sex. And after spending my days here in one-on-one therapy, group therapy and intensive physical therapy, I’m tired. But not too tired to jerk off. I usually do it as fast as possible while I’m in the shower just so I don’t have a boner all the time.
In another time and place, I might have gone for Gia. Before rehab, attraction was all about the physical for me. But seeing Gia day in and day out, and getting to know how mean and shallow she is, I wonder what it says about me that I would’ve jumped into bed with her without thinking twice before.
My whole life was hockey, booze and women. It felt exciting—like I was living the dream. But the thought of going back to the life I had before makes me feel empty right now.
Staying sober is fucking hard. But when I look at myself in the bathroom mirror every morning now, I don’t have to wonder what I did the night before. I was walking a dangerous tightrope before rehab, but too drunk most of the time to realize it.
I dismiss Gia with a shake of my head. “I’ve gotta go.”
“Fuck you,” she says under her breath.
I don’t look back at her as I make my way across the dining hall. I can see what Graysen is always trying to get Gia to acknowledge—she’s got an issue with sex.
In group sessions, Graysen tells us people are prone to replacing one bad behavior—in my case, alcohol addiction—with another one. I don’t know if that’s why Gia’s so obsessed with getting me to fuck her, but I think it might be. Booze and sex are intertwined for me, and in Gia’s case, it’s drugs and sex.
I haven’t figured out what good habit I want to replace drinking with. Graysen suggested I choose something that keeps my hands busy and occupies my mind. I suggested masturbation, and though she pretended not to be amused, I could tell she was.
When I walk into Graysen’s office, she’s sitting at her desk writing something, biting her lower lip the way she does when she’s concentrating.