I watch her as she walks over to the kitchen counter and drops her keys and bag down. She makes her way right over to the sink and braces her hands in front of her as her head falls forward in defeat. Amelia keeps her back to me the whole time, and all I can do is watch her agony.
It’s one of the first times in my life that I feel at a complete loss as to how to handle this situation. Usually, I’m the one taking charge, but not this time. This time, I am completely out of my element and terrified of making the wrong move.
The sound of her gentle sobs break through my thoughts and that’s all it takes to have my feet moving in across the kitchen.
“Baby, please don’t cry,” I say as I pull her into my arms, her back to my front.
I didn’t expect her to let me hold her like this, but I’m not one to let this opportunity slide. Amelia turns around and buries her head into my chest before completely breaking down in my arms, absolutely crushing my soul.
How could I allow it to get this bad? This is how it should have been all week, us together trying to work this shit out. I should never have let it get this far, but I felt that if I pushed too hard or too soon, I’d lose her for good.
“Angel, please,” I beg, slowly running my hands up and down her arms. “You’re breaking my heart.”
I feel her fingers tighten on my shirt before loosening her grip and taking a step away from me. My arms fall away like dead weights, devastated not to have her skin on mine. When I look into her eyes, I see that fucking wall I had managed to pull down firmly back in place.
Fuck.
Amelia walks over to the coffee machine and turns it on before grabbing two cups from the cupboard above her head. “Coffee?” she murmurs, glancing up at me as she walks over to grab the carton of milk from the fridge.
All I can do is nod. I’d just about let her do anything to me right now if it lets me stay exactly where I am with her just that little bit longer.
Amelia goes about making our coffee, and it gives me a chance to get a look at her, a real good look at her.
I have been here every single day, only getting a small glimpse of her when she was walking to the house or when she was busy trying to not make eye contact with me. I never got a good look at her while she held on tight to the girls and poked her head through the door, asking me to leave. So now, really seeing her, I realize just how much this has taken a toll on her.
Her clothes are hanging off her beautiful body, having lost weight that she didn’t have to lose in the first place. She hasn’t been eating or taking care of herself properly, and that's my fault. Her hair is thrown up into a messy bun, one that probably started at the top of her head, but now sags in defeat. Her bloodshot eyes are rimmed with dark circles from crying and a lack of sleep. All of this, because of me.
I watch her as she finishes stirring sugar into my coffee, placing the spoon into the sink before making her way over to where I’m sitting. She puts the coffee cup in front of me, doubling back to grab hers, and just as she’s about to jump onto her safe spot on the counter, I stop her. “Angel, come here and sit with me, please.”
Amelia has another thing coming if she thinks she’s sitting all the way over there away from me. Those walls may be up right now, but I will be knocking those fuckers straight back down, so I may as well start now.
Amelia hesitates before picking up her cup and pulling out the seat in front of me.
Good. Progress.
I watch as she holds her cup in both hands, running the tip of one finger around the ceramic rim, staring down at it as though it holds all the answers to her problems.
I sit, waiting for her to look at me. I can sit here all day. I know I have a lot of explaining to do, but I won’t be doing it until I’ve got her eyes on me. Besides, it’s the second Saturday, which means the girls are with their father, and she’s got nothing but time.
I’ve only got one chance at this, and I’m willing to get down on my knees if that’s what it takes. It might not be pretty, but I will do just about anything for her to understand just how much she means to me. How much I love her.