Bull made me feel things that no other man has ever made me feel. He made me believe that I was beautiful, he made me feel that I was more than I ever thought I could be, and he made me believe in love again.
What a fucking shame.
On the bright side, I now know where to set the bar for anyone I date in the future. That’s if I can ever find the guts to put myself out there again.
It’s Saturday morning, and after rounding the girls up after breakfast, we’re finally heading out the door for their day with their father.
I can’t help but double-check the porch before we walk out, which has become the norm every time I leave the house. I’m petrified of stepping out the door and being forced to face my emotions. I just can’t do it, not yet, but something screams at me that I need to see this through. I need to confront him and find out why he took it so far. I need to know why he thinks it’s okay to sit outside my door every day, and I need to know if any of it was real or if it was all some sick joke between him and Jessa.
I get the girls into their car seats and avoid the questions from Ryan as she desperately squeals and demands that we stop by Bull’s place. As we pull up outside Bryce’s home, I’ve never seen her face fall so hard, and despite being her mom and wanting her to cherish her time with her father, I can’t help but feel that slight bit of joy within.
As usual, dropping the girls off turns into a drama with Bryce and his huge ego, which has me walking away feeling wrong about leaving my girls in his care. There must be something I can do about this. Bryce is not fit to be a father and couldn’t give a shit about my girls. He only takes them because he knows how much I hate it, and that I spend every moment they’re with him, fretting about their safety, hearts, and innocence.
I reluctantly pull myself away, forcing the tears to stay at bay. I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard. Usually, I can walk away with my head held high, but today I’m crumbling.
I get back in my car and jam the key into the ignition as I watch Ryan and Coby standing at the door, looking at me with sadness flooding their eyes. It’s as though I’ve just committed the deepest betrayal against them, and honestly, I think I have.
What kind of mother am I?
I drive away before I convince myself to run back in there, grab my babies, and make matters so much worse.
I turn on my music and drive. I just drive. I don't know where I'm going or where I'll end up. All I know is that I have to go.
I’ve got the day to myself, which is probably not the best thing for me. Since everything that’s happened, I like keeping busy and running around after the girls as it helps take my mind off him. But truth be told, I think I need this time to heal. I need to go home, open a bottle of wine, and allow myself to move on. Yet, there’s simply no way for me to do that without getting the answers I’ve been looking for.
And what better time than now? I’ve been meaning to talk with him all week, but it’s just been too hard, but without the girls, now is probably the best time to do it.
I find myself driving down Bull’s road. I’ll just pop in for a quick moment, clear things up, and let him know that he should stop coming around.
Easy enough. I hope.
I come to a stop outside Bull’s home, and the first thing I notice is the big truck parked in the drive, telling me that he’s home. Dread sinks heavily into my stomach. A part of me was hoping he’d be on shift at the fire department, and I’d be able to keep on driving, but with him home, it’s time for me to suck it up and start adulting.
After cutting the engine, I push out of my car and let out a heavy breath.
Why do I feel so nervous?
I step up in front of his door and once again have to give myself a pep-talk just to be able to knock, and the second I do, I hear his voice calling out from within. “Can you get that?”
Shit. He must have someone over.
I briefly consider bailing. This isn’t exactly a conversation I wish to have with an audience, but before I have the chance to bolt, the door flies open, and I find myself standing before Jessa.