Even though I’d told myself I was going to tell him everything on his last night in Michigan, sometimes a secret just eats away at you so much that it can no longer be hidden. The truth will often find its way out on its own terms.
After we’d gotten home from his parents’ house, Landon and I made love several times until we fell asleep. I’d felt so content in his arms, but the shadow of my secret was always lurking, preventing me from fully enjoying our connection.
I woke up sweating and shaking in the middle of the night; my body could no longer sustain the guilt.
Landon woke up and immediately knew something was very wrong with me. “What’s going on?”
“I need to tell you now.”
“I know I said I wasn’t going to pressure you, but I agree. You need to talk to me. Please,” he begged.
It seriously felt like it was now or never, like whatever bubble of protection that had hid my past had somehow burst in that moment.
I just kept looking at him in the darkness, because I wanted to cherish these last seconds of ignorant bliss before I laid it all out on the line. I then turned around and let him spoon me. This story was going to be easier to tell if I wasn’t facing him, better if I didn’t have to bear witness to his disappointment.
He held me tightly in his big arms. “I’m gonna hold you like this. And I’m not letting you go. I want you to tell me everything.”
My body continued to tremble as I forced out the words.
“When my parents and I moved out of your house to live with my grandparents, I just sort of snapped into this horrible, rebellious stage. I had sex for the first time when I was only fourteen. Even though I didn’t feel beautiful the majority of the time, for some reason, I felt desirable…important…when I started to explore my sexuality. Word got around school that I was easy, and I basically let several boys at my high school have their way with me over the course of about a year. They ranged from freshmen to seniors.”
Landon’s breathing became a bit heavier. I knew he wasn’t comfortable hearing that, despite everything he’d confessed about himself. I continued.
“Things were really bad at home. As much as my father tried to keep them apart, my mother ran off with her young boyfriend. Papa was trying so hard to control me during that time, because I was all he had left. But it was in vain. I would just sneak off in the middle of the night to meet boys. I couldn’t talk to my father about anything, so no one really taught me how to be responsible.”
Landon seemed to know where this was going as he whispered against the back of my neck, “Oh, fuck.” His body stiffened. He repeated, “Fuck.”
I was starting to feel really nauseous.
Spit it out.
“I was going on fifteen when I found out I was pregnant. It was like the biggest nightmare I could have ever imagined. My father didn’t even know I was leaving the house most nights, let alone having sex. He was totally clueless. He thought he could just forbid me from doing things and that I would listen. Clearly, he underestimated the will of a hormonal teenage girl, especially one who was rebelling against her deadbeat mother.”
Landon was being silent. I just went on with my story.
“I honestly didn’t know what to do. I kept it hidden for as long as was humanly possible. My father just thought I was getting fat. He probably figured I was eating more because I was depressed about Shayla leaving. I stayed in my room as much as possible so no one would notice my body changing. But at six months along, I just couldn’t hide it anymore. My grandmother was the one who finally confronted me about it. I begged her to please not tell my father, but she wouldn’t listen. I mean, I don’t know what I was thinking, asking her to help me hide it. It was going to come out eventually. Needless to say when Papa found out, he was completely devastated. Given how strict he was with me, I was expecting him to be irate, to disown me. But his main reaction was one of just solemn shock—sadness. It was like he couldn’t believe how clueless he had been, and he really beat himself up over it.”
Even though I had originally not wanted to face him, I needed reassurance that Landon was okay. Turning around, I breathed out a sigh of relief when he placed his hand around my cheek.
His voice was low. “Keep going. Please. I need to hear the rest.”
I nodded and took a deep breath in.