At least, not until I got on the plane and out of her sight.CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE* * *AMBERIt was the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Annabelle stopped over for some spiked eggnog before she had to retreat home for family time. Her husband apparently wanted her out of the house anyway so that he could wrap her gift.
She bit into a Christmas star cookie that was decorated with green and red sprinkles and said, “Every time I think your life would make a good book, it just gets better and better. Seriously…can anything else crazy happen this year?”
“Please don’t ask that. The universe is listening and apparently, she fucking hates me.”
“I might have to agree with you.” She laughed. When her smile faded, she asked, “Have you spoken to Channing?”
“We’re supposed to talk later tonight. He’s taking his mother to an early Christmas Eve mass.”
“That’s nice. He’s such a good son.”
“He really is.”
“And Rory? When will you see him?”
“Rory is with his family in Illinois for Christmas Eve. He’s flying back to Boston tomorrow and picking me up. We’re heading to his downstairs neighbor’s place for Christmas drinks. He wants me to meet him, this old man who lives alone. His name is Boris.”
“That’s sweet. You’re not spending the night there, are you?”
“No, of course not. But you seem very panicked about that.”
Annabelle moved to the couch and sat cross-legged. “Well, it’s no secret that I’m Team Channing. Even with Rory’s situation, which believe me, I am extremely sympathetic toward, I’m totally rooting for Channing here.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
She sipped her eggnog and seemed to be observing me. “I have to admit…I’m a little concerned about your well-being.”
“You and me both.” I sighed and reached for one of the cookies she’d brought.
“What I mean is…you seem very numb, like you haven’t really even begun to process everything. You’ve avoided talking about how you’re feeling about either one of them. I know it’s complicated, but at some point, you’re going to have to face it, talk about it.”
I was quite aware of the fact that I was in denial. It was intentional because any time I would think about either one of them I’d burst into tears. Denial was my strategy for getting through the day so that I could function for the kids and for Milo. As soon as I stopped denying what was happening, the pain would creep in.
Like now.
“I let that man go back to Chicago without telling him that I loved him because he told me he didn’t want to hear it. There was so much I needed to say to him, and nothing would come out. I’ve been the same way with Rory. He’s been calling me, and I don’t know what to say or do. So, I’ve been bottling everything up. I feel so much for both of them. I love both of them. And I’m hurting for both of them for different reasons. The truth is, I’ve been in denial because this is the most heartache I’ve ever felt in my life. Apparently, love multiplied is nothing but pain. And I’m scared it’s going to kill me.” I let out the longest breath and downed some of the eggnog. It felt like I’d just unloaded a heavy weight off my chest.
“Well, congratulations…in talking about bottling it up, you’ve managed to let some of it out.”
“You tricked me.” I smiled. Closing my eyes, I decided to divulge a little more. “Channing and I had sex right before he left. Like literally seconds before. We hadn’t been sleeping together since the night I went to Rory’s, but we both just lost it at the last moment. It was crazy…and passionate. And it broke my heart, because I also knew a part of him felt like that moment might have been it for us.”
Annabelle looked like she was going to cry. “That’s so sad and romantic at the same time.”
“I miss him so much,” I whispered.
“With each day, as the shock of all of this wears off, you’ll begin to figure it out. You’re going to still love both of them. But your love for one of them will shine a little brighter. And you’ll just know. Your confused state right now is like a giant cloud of smoke. But it’s temporary. When the smoke clears, only one man will be standing there.”
I exhaled. “Yeah.”
“By the way, do you know how lucky you are to have two good men who love you? Some women wait their whole lives just to be loved one time, by one man.”
“Yeah, well, I’d gladly give up this predicament if it meant that someone I love didn’t have to get hurt.”***After Annabelle left, it felt strange to be alone on Christmas Eve. This was the first time I’d ever experienced it. I’d always celebrated with either my parents or Rory.