“What is there to talk about?” I asked bitterly. “Not only are you a soldier, you’re part of a unit that undertakes the most dangerous missions.” I stopped. “Do you kill people in these secret missions?”
“Sometimes.”
I covered my mouth with my hands. “Who are you?”
“I’m the man who never thought he’d find a woman again. I’m the guy who’d given up hope. I’m the man who loves you.”
If he had said those words a few hours back I would have been the happiest woman on earth, but now, they rung hollow. Love? This was not love. He tricked me. He knew I never wanted to be with a man in the army and he let me fall in love with him. “If something happens to you this time, and you don’t come back, will I even know about it?”
The silence was like a knife in my chest.
“I won’t even be told, will I?” I croaked in disbelief.
“Probably not. You’ll just read in the paper that a veteran died in an automobile crash on one of the roads nearby, or something like that.”
Forty-one
Lara
I shook my head in astonishment. “Oh, Jesus! Can you hear yourself? Do you even understand what you’re asking of me?”
He didn’t reply and I wanted to shake him with frustration and rage.
“What if it was me? What if it was me being called out in the middle of the night, and there was a better-than-great chance that you’d never see me again?”
I heard him take a shuddering breath.
“Answer me!” I shouted.
“No, I wouldn’t allow you to go.”
“So how can you ask that of me?” I cried.
“There is a big difference between us. I’m not a novice. I’m a highly trained soldier. There are not many men who are better at what I do than me. I’m good at this, Lara. It’s why I was recruited.”
“Is that why you nearly got blown to smithereens before?”
He sighed heavily. “If I am meant to die, Lara, I will. I could slip in the snow and fall while I’m carrying you to our front door and go that way.”
“Is that meant to be your idea of a joke?” I gasped.
“I have to go now, but I’ll be back in three days. Please don’t try to contact that sorry son of a bitch until I return.”
I nodded automatically and heard the clink of something, an out of context sound, but one that I had heard before. Then it finally registered – that smell I couldn’t put my finger on, that strangely familiar scent. It was gun oil. Suddenly, I knew. I took a deep breath. It hurt me to my very core.
“I promised myself I would never go through what my mother went through,” I said. “I didn’t tell you what happened after my father’s funeral, did I? My mother held it together through all of that, through the damn flag folding, and the salute; and all the fine-standing men in uniform saying they were so sorry. She made it back home and smiled bravely at the reception, but when everyone was gone, she collapsed on the floor in her bedroom and screamed. She screamed, and screamed, and … I … I … couldn’t make her stop.” My voice had risen to a hysterical pitch.
“Don’t. Don’t, Lara. Don’t do this,” he begged, holding me tightly.
I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. “She was never the same after that. Never. I won’t go down that path. I can’t. I don’t want to. Please don’t ask me to.”
“Lara, let us talk about this, please. I want to explain it to you so that you can understand that-”
“No,” I snarled at him suddenly. Pulling out of his grasp I stood. “You want me to understand? You mean you want me to condone your the-ends-justifies-the-means philosophy and pardon your lies.”
“I never lied to you. You assumed because I lived alone in the middle of nowhere, and didn’t seem to get posted that I was no longer in the army.”
“If I had known this is what you did I never would have spent that night here during the storm. I never would have done the things we did,” I cried passionately.
Kit stood up and took a step towards me. He was so close I could feel the heat and tension coming off his body.
“Lara, why do you think I pushed you away that first night? It is because of what you told me about your father and brother. But you came to me again in the night, and I wasn’t strong enough to push you away. How could I? You were everything I ever dreamed of, ever wanted.”
“You said I might regret sleeping with you,” I said to him, my voice harsh and bitter. “Well, you were right. I do regret it. With all my heart.” I vomited those words deliberately, to wound, and it seemed I succeeded.
Kit sucked in a breath and froze, as if I had shot him.
Because my heart was hurting, because I wanted to curl my hands around his neck and beg him not to go. I turned and started to walk away, but going a bit faster than I should have, I bumped into the corner of a side table, stumbled, and would have fallen if Kit had not grabbed me.
“Lara …”
“No, don’t touch me,” I screamed. “You’re worried about me getting a little knock while you’re merrily ripping my heart to shreds.”
He let go of me as if I was fire. Holding myself stiffly, I began to make my way to where my clothes were. Kit was right behind me. “Lara, please … I know this looks bad, and I am so sorry I didn’t tell you, but please give us a chance.”
My tears were suddenly dry. I turned on him slowly. He didn’t sound sorry at all. It was simply another facet of his the-ends-justifies-the-mean strategy. “I don’t know where you’re going. I don’t know what you will be doing. And I can’t live like that.”
“I will be back in three days,” he said. “And then we can talk.”
His voice was so plaintive and in normal circumstances I would have given in, but I thought about the neighbors banging on the door and my mother screaming until she fainted. Through all of this I had kept his name tag in my clenched fist. I took a deep breath and placed my other hand on his chest. Finding the Velcro there, I stuck his name tag on it.
“Be careful,” I said softly. “Even though you are not for me I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
He didn’t try to stop me when I took a step back and went to the chair where I had put my clothes.
“Lara,” he begun, finally.
I whirled on him. “Enough. Please. You lied. You lied to me about something that you knew was so important to me. I thought I was part of something special with you and the wolves. How can I ever trust you again?”
I could hear him swallow from where I stood. Turning away from him I pulled my jeans on, and quickly grabbed my top. My hands fumbled for my sweater. It was not on the chair where I put it. I heard him walk towards me. He picked it off the floor where it had fallen, and thrust it into my hand.
I wanted to cry, but I choked it down, took my sweater out of his hand, and pulled it roughly over my head. Then I walked out of the room and down the stairs with him following me. I went to the hallway, and taking my coat off the hook on the wall, put it on. While I buttoned up and got my hat and my scarf on, he went around switching things off. The house fell silent until only the sound of his boots echoed through the house.
I didn’t want to talk to him anymore so I opened the door and stepped out on the porch. As Jimbo had predicted it was a freezing cold night. All the wolves had disappeared. Kit once told me that the wolves lived in the forest whenever he went away and only returned to the house when he came back.
I could feel the men in the car watching me. The ground was slippery with black ice so I waited for him to close the door. Silently, I let him take my hand and help me down the steps. Kit opened the back door and I climbed in.
There were two men in the car, but nobody said anything until Kit climbed in next to me.
“This is Lara, guys. Lara, the driver is Jerry, and the asshole sitting next to him is Billy.” He tried to pretend that nothing was wrong, but his voice was completely off key.
“Thanks a bunch, dude. Hey, Lara,” Bi
lly said good-naturedly.
“How’s it going, Lara?” Jerry asked.
“Fine, thank you,” I whispered.
The car began to move. I sat in a daze as we covered the miles. I wanted to cry so badly, but I gritted my teeth and forced myself to sit straight and as far away as I could from Kit.
As we got into town, Kit began to give instructions. The car came to a stop on the street outside my house. I heard Kit’s door open, and blindly I turned towards my door handle. I didn’t want him to help me. I opened the door, and my foot sunk into snow. Kit was already there, and he took my hand.