“Not too shabby for a zombie, then,” I say to the voice and turn away.
I get dressed and go into the kitchen.
Ma is sitting at the table peeling potatoes. Through the glass door of the oven I can see a large turkey roasting.
She glances up at me. “You drink too much. You look terrible.”
I open the fridge and take a beer out. I open the cap, flip the bottle opener back into the drawer, and sit at the kitchen table.
“You’ll kill yourself at this rate,” she sniffs.
“Leave it out, Ma,” I mutter. I’m fucking thirty. I don’t need this shit. I take a long drag of the cold beer while my mother glares at me.
“So I’m just supposed to stand back and watch you kill yourself, am I?” she demands.
“Oh for God’s sake. It’s fucking Christmas, Ma.”
She sniffs again. This time more dramatically. “Ever since you came back from Africa you’ve never been the same. What happened to you there? Why can’t you talk about it and get it off your chest?”
“Nothing, Ma. Nothing happened. Do we have to talk about that now? Today? When I feel like shit?”
I glare at her and deliberately take another long drag. She takes a deep breath. I can see the thoughts running through her head. She doesn’t want to spoil the day.
“I’ve made the pies for your Christmas lunch with the kids tomorrow,” she says finally.
I put the bottle on the table. It has already had the desired effect. My head has miraculously cleared. Nothing like the hair of the dog. I smile at my mother. She went to all this trouble. I’ll make the effort. “Thanks, Ma.”
She smiles back. “That’s all right, Jack. I’m just glad you’ve come around for Christmas. I miss you, you know.”
I don’t tell her I miss her too. Because I don’t. I never miss anyone. The days when I wanted people are gone. Now people are like the tide. They come, they go. While they are in front of me I’ll give them my time, but I want nothing from them. Nothing. Not things. Not money. Not power. Not love. Nothing.
Outside my head my mother carries on talking. She tells me about the café down the road closing down, the kids stealing her doorbell, her nosy neighbor. I hear snatches.
“I told him to get lost.”
“Asking me if you’ve found a girl yet. What a bloody cheek …”
I turn to glance out of the window. It’s still raining hard. For some weird reason I think of the girl in the orangery.
Sofia Seagull.
Not because I want her or anything like that. Just because she is different. Different from all the other women I have known.
Nine
Sofia
“Open your presents then,” Lena orders.
She is still in her nightgown and fluffy dressing gown. Her hands are clasped in front of her chest and she is so excited she can barely sit still. I look at her and smile. My heart fills with love for her. She is like a big child. Full of light and enthusiasm. Outside, the rain is slicking down on the windows. Inside my tower suite, it is warm and faintly scented with the smell of coffee.
“Let’s open our presents together,” I say, looking at the pile of packages on the bed. There are three, one each from her and Guy for me, and one from me to her.
“No, no, you go first,” she urges. “I want to see your face when you see our presents.”
“Okay,” I say, and just to see her reaction, I slowly take a sip from the steaming mug of coffee she brought for me.
“Oh for God’s sake,’ she screeches.
I laugh at the expression on her face.
She snatches a flat package and thrusts it into my hand. “Open this one first. It’s from me.”
Putting my mug down on my bedside table and crossing my legs, I take it from her. With a smile I shake it. It rattles.
“Coupons or tickets?” I guess.
“Just open it,” she cries impatiently.
I tear open the wrapping and lift the lid of the cardboard box. I take out the folded letter inside and read it.
“Oh,” I exclaim. “You got me driving lessons.” Immediately my heart starts thudding with fear. I can’t get into a car alone with a man and be in such close proximity with him for an hour at a time. I look up at her trying to smile. Not wanting to burst her bubble of excitement.
She grins at me. “The instructor is a woman.”
I exhale through my mouth. “Oh, thank you. What a wonderful present, Lena. I’d love to be able to drive into the village myself and not trouble someone else all the time. Thank you my darling.” I lean forward and kiss her.
“The next one. The next one,” she squeals excitedly. “This one’s from Guy.” She pulls away from me and holds out the long oblong box, the kind you use to send posters. It is light, and feels hollow. When I shake it there is no sound.
“Go on then,” she urges.
I tear it open and pull out a rolled up piece of paper. I look at her and raise my eyebrows as I unroll it. She just grins widely at me. I run my eyes down the thick paper. For a moment I can’t believe my eyes.
“Well?” Lena prompts.
I blink and look up at her in disbelief. “Guy bought me a house in London?”
She nods vigorously. “Yes. You’re now the proud owner of your own house.”
I stare at her aghast. I don’t want to move out of the castle. I love my to
wer suite. It is the first place I have felt safe. I stupidly thought I would be able to live here forever.
“What’s the matter?” Lena asks.
“You don’t want me to live here anymore?” I gasp.
Her face crumples. “What? No. No, of course not. This house is not for you to live in. It is for you to rent out and earn your own money. This way you will be financially independent.”
The backs of my eyes burn. “Oh. I don’t know the first thing about owning a house in England or renting it out.”
“Guy’s secretary will find a tenant and arrange everything for you. You don’t have to do a thing. You can learn at your own pace, okay?”
My eyes fill with tears. I try to blink them away, and Lena leans in and hugs me tightly.
“You are my heart, Sofia. My heart. One day you will find a wonderful man and you will leave this castle to go to him. It will sadden me greatly, but I will be happy for you. However,” she grins wickedly, “until that day you’re all mine. This is your home, silly.”
We clutch each other and cry.
I dash away my tears with the backs of my eyes. “I feel terrible. Your gifts are so wonderful, and I’ve only got you a little thing from the village shop.”
“Oh, Sofia. I will love whatever you give me with all my heart. If you’ve got it for me, it will be perfect.”
Suddenly there is an odd noise outside the door. It sounds like a muffled shriek.
“What the hell is that?” I ask.
She grins. “That’s your present from Irina.” She gets off the bed. “Don’t move,” she warns and goes out to open the door.
I hear whispering and then …
Oh my God!
A golden retriever puppy makes a mad dash into my room! I clasp my hands over my cheeks with shock. My very own dog! I stare at the little thing with unconcealed delight. Lena, carrying Irina, and the nurse come into my room, and all of them are looking at me. I can’t say a word.
“She’s already toilet trained, but she doesn’t have a name yet,” Lena says.