And yet I felt as if he was the only person in the world I could truly trust. He was my bridge to the past. The only one who could make the memories come alive again. When other people spoke of things that happened I felt no connection to it. Almost as if they were playing a trick on me. Remember when you and your brother put horse shit in a handbag and left it in the street for people to find?
No. I don’t remember. Not at all.
I went to Dr. Kane and told him to make me remember the dung in the handbag incident. He put me under and the whole episode became alive. I remembered all the details in full color. The hay tickling my leg, the smell of the poo, the irrepressible giggles, the trip to the roadside, hiding in the bushes, shhh…shh…the sense of being so naughty, the way we had laughed, rolling on the ground at their disgusted expressions. And then running like the devil. So fast, my ribs hurt and my breath came out in huge gasps. Finally standing in front of Ivana, and her eyes twinkling as she pretended to chastise us.
He gave me back other memories, too. Scenes with my dog, Freya. I saw her running in the sunshine, her shining, and I felt again the deep love I had for her. When I was brought out of my hypnotic state I was shocked that I could have forgotten such a great love.
On another occasion I relived the time I hid behind a sofa and heard my mother tell my father that she was dying. The matter-of-fact way she said it. And Daddy was so shocked he let out a grunt of pain. I remembered being so stunned I could not move.
And I remembered the first day Ivana came to be interviewed for the job of Mummy’s nurse. I was five years old. She was dressed in very dowdy clothes, but her beauty shone through. I thought she was a movie star. We met in the hallway. She was on her way out. I stared up at her.
‘Oh my, wow! What a pretty girl you are,’ she exclaimed.
I became cripplingly shy and dropped my gaze down to my shoes.
She went down on her haunches and told me she had a little boy a little younger than me. He was two years old. ‘Some day I’ll bring him to meet you,’ she said. And then she brought out a box of gobstoppers from her handbag and offered them to me. Her eyes were kind.
I guess she must have pitied me even then. And when I lay in hospital all tho
se months in a body suit because my ribs were so badly crushed, it was Ivana who visited me every day. Every day without fail she came. Always smiling, always encouraging.
Watson, our driver, stopped the car. We were outside Dr. Kane’s practice.
‘Thank you. I’ll text you when I’m ready,’ I said, and got out.
I stood on the pavement for a second and men and women alike turned to look at me as they passed me by. Wealth. It always drew the eye. I rang the bell and Beryl buzzed me in. I walked up the wooden stairs and entered Beryl’s domain.
She smiled and got immediately to her feet. ‘Good afternoon, Lady Olivia.’
I smiled. The first time we met I swear I thought she was going to drop into a curtsey. ‘Good afternoon, Beryl.’
Her voice dropped to a whisper. ‘There’s still someone in there.’ She made a face. ‘She came late so her hour has run into yours. I hope you don’t mind waiting a few minutes.’
I smiled. ‘That’s fine.’
She came around her desk. ‘Let me take your coat.’
‘I’ll keep it for a bit.’
She stopped and hovered uncertainly. ‘It is frosty out there today.’
I smiled politely.
She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. ‘My sister made a fruitcake. Fancy a slice? It’s very good.’
‘Oh yes. Thank you.’
She grinned hugely. ‘And a cup of tea to go with it?’
‘That would be lovely, Beryl.’
She disappeared into the back and I stared at the framed painting on the wall that read:
Let not your past define you.
Let it refine you.
The first time I saw it I stared at it with a peculiar sense of weightlessness. I felt empty and sad. Like a ghost. The real me died some time ago. I had nothing to define or refine me. There was a curtain separating me from my memory. Sometimes the curtain looked so thin it was almost a veil. All I had to do was push the veil back a little. But then I became frightened of what lay behind the veil.