She shakes her head. “This is exactly what is called rocking the boat.
If you could forget this bullshit loyalty you have to Nigel. He totally doesn’t deserve it. If you weren’t with Nigel wouldn’t you like to be with Nikolai?”
“If I weren’t with Nigel? I am with Nigel, Rosa.”
“Forget it.” She walks away from the mirror.
I turn around and look at her. “Are you angry with me, Rosa?”
She turns around and forces a smile. “No, I’m not. I just wish you could see what I can, but I guess you can’t. It doesn’t matter. What will be, will be. Now let’s get your hair done.”
“Celine will do it.”
“Hell, I love your life at the moment,” she says with a grin.
I ring for Celine and she comes to do my hair while Rosa and I chat. When Celine finishes, Rosa takes over and does my make-up. She twists open a strong red lipstick.
“Don’t put too much,” I warn.
“You know what I always say. Don’t do the walk of shame, just do the walk,” she says.
Finally, she snaps the lid of her gold eyeshadow and sighs with satisfaction. “Wanna see what you look like?”
I walk to the mirror. “God, I look so different,” I say, turning to look at the back of the dress. “You don’t think it’s all too over the top?”
“That’s the point whole. I want you to knock him off his feet.”
I slip into my sandals and show Rosa to the door. We quickly hug and say goodbye.
“You have a fab time tonight,” she says. I watch her walk, clicking down the stone steps in her high heels towards her car. “Don’t forget to call me. I want to know everything,” she shouts over her shoulder as she gets into her car. I wave as she drives off. From the corner of my eye I can see the black Bentley with Andrei inside inching forward. He stops in front of me and gets out to open the car door. His eyes slide over me in surprise but all he says is, “Good evening, Miss Minton.”
Suddenly I feel nervous and a little awkward. I know that this is not a date and yet it feels like it. Actually, it feels like I am a Princess going out to meet my Prince.
Andrei holds open the door and I slide in.
Chapter Forty-Five
Star
I get out of the car, surprised. I can see bouncers standing outside the understated entrance of some kind of club or restaurant. It is as if someone was trying hard to be ordinary. Everything about it is drab. There is an awning but even that is the dullest green you can think of. The name of the club is in black on gray.
Ziggurat.
One of the bouncers immediately leaves his position and comes towards me. It’s a beautiful warm summer evening with an occasional gentle breeze and I stand there frozen.
“Good evening, Miss Minton. My name is Roman,” he says when he gets close enough to me.
“Good evening, Roman. Where is Nikolai?”
“Mr. Smirnov is upstairs in his office and asked if you could wait for him.”
“Oh.” He makes me come here alone and now he won’t even allow me to go up to his office. Instead he wants me to sit somewhere and wait for him.
“Please, come with me. You can sit and have a drink in one of our private rooms,” he says.
“What is this place?”
He looks at me strangely. “It’s a club.”
What kind of club? I want to ask, but his face discourages any further conversation. Oh well, I’ll find out soon enough.
I follow him inside. To my great astonishment the interior is nothing like the exterior. Inside it is grand and majestic. We walk through the beautiful marbled reception. Roman does not speak to the girls sitting there, both eye-wateringly beautiful, but they stare curiously at me.
A stunningly beautiful woman walks up to us. She smiles sweetly at me. “I absolutely adore your dress. Is it Dior?” she asks in a sexy Russian accent.
“It is,” I answer, surprised that she could guess the label so accurately.
She smiles.
“You have a very good eye for fashion,” I remark.
“I used to be a model. Fashion is my thing.” She glances at the bouncer then back at me. “Can I get you a drink? A glass of champagne perhaps?”
“Thank you,” I accept gratefully. I need to calm my nerves.
She turns and nods at a waitress hovering nearby carrying a tray of champagne glasses. The waitress comes over to us and I snag a glass from her tray and take a sip.
“I hope you enjoy your night,” the ex-model says with a polite smile before she walks away.
I watch her slender body swaying. I don’t know why, maybe it is the fact that she used to be a model, or because she has wonderfully dark hair, but I suddenly think of Nikolai with her and a lump forms in my throat.
“Come, I will show you where you can wait,” Roman says.
We go down a long corridor with deep plush carpet and walls lined with stunning Russian tapestries. I have to give it to Nikolai, he has absolutely wonderful taste. There is so much mystery to him I can’t help but want to know more. We stop outside a room with tall antique doors. Roman opens one and with his open palm beckons me inside. The sound of laughter and voices fill my ears and I hesitate.
“You want me to wait in there?”
“No, we only have to pass through here,” he says.
I take a deep breath and follow him. My breath catches and I freeze. I’m standing in a large room filled with gambling tables. Some of the tables are occupied by gamblers. I feel my hands clench. Why? Why would he bring me here?
Roman stops too. “It’s just this room here. It is unoccupied. You can wait there for Mr. Smirnov.”
A pretty Asian girl approaches with the offer of another glass of champagne. I shake my head. All I want to do is get out of this place. This is exactly the kind of place where Nigel lost all our money.
“Miss Minton,” Roman prompts.
“I can’t stay. I have to go,” I say, and turn around to walk back the way we came. It is then I hear the loud, hearty laugh. My god! The laugh is coming from one of the smaller rooms attached to this main room. The entrance is partially covered with purple velvet drapes. I walk forward, and lifting my hand, I drag one of the drapes aside.
Everything turns silent inside me.
“Yo, I’m on a roll,” a man shouts excitedly, as he reaches forward to scoop up his winnings. The croupier stands by impassively. There are two more men and a woman sitting at the same table. My eyes gaze at the man in shock. I have never seen him like this. He is at once foreign, magnificent, and frightening. Granddad once said all gamblers are magnificent when they are winning.
Oh, Nigel, Nigel, Nigel.
I never knew you. Never.
My glass slips out of my nerveless fingers and falls. I turn away and start running. My legs feel like jelly. It is a wonder they support me. Tears stream down my face. A man tries to grab me but I push him away hard and head for the door.
I don’t have any idea where I’m going, but I know I have to get out of this horrible, horrible place. I run down the corridor and out to reception. I get outside. The bouncers are too shocked to react. I lift the red ropes and dash down the street.
Chapter Forty-Six
Star
Suddenly, a powerful arm grabs my arm and whirls me around. The power of it is so strong it jerks me off balance and I almost fall, but I right myself and look at him with furious eyes.
“You knew he was there,” I rage breathlessly. “You set it up.”
“Yes,” he admits calmly.
“Why?” I cry.
“There was no other way to get through to you. When it comes to him you’re blind.”
I lift my hand and strike him across the face. He doesn’t move. I watch my handprint leave a white mark that fills quickly with red.
We stand there staring at each other. I’m panting hard a
nd feeling hurt and shocked while he looks down at me, his eyes expressionless, a muscle in his jaw throbbing madly.
“You tricked me. How could you do that? We were supposed to celebrate my first ever success. I thought we were going to have a lovely dinner together.” My voice trembles with emotion.
He closes his eyes and exhales. “I’m sorry, Star.”
“If you just wanted to humiliate me why did you get me to dress up? So I could look like a complete fool in front of all your staff?” I sob.
“I asked you to dress up for this,” he growls. It happens so fast I don’t even get time to react. He grabs my upper-arms and his lips swoop down on mine.
I know it’s a terrible, terrible cliché, but my mind goes blank, the world stops spinning. The sensation is electric. Every nerve in my body sparks alive. My mouth opens helplessly and his tongue pushes in. With a muffled sound that sounds almost like a sob I suck his tongue hard, as if it is life-giving.
There is nothing but us. Kissing on the sidewalk. The kiss goes on and on until he wrenches his mouth away and gazes down at me. He is breathing hard.
I stare up at him, shocked.
My mind whirls. I feel frightened. Why am I responding to his kisses like this? This is not sex. This is something else. I am in love with him! I have been for some time now. I just refused to admit it.
But this man can never be mine.
He’ll get bored and I’ll end up like all those other discarded women. I can’t show him how I feel. I have to protect my heart. He will trample all over it. My lips move. Words tumble out of them. Trite words. Words that have no meaning to me.
“Allowing a gambler into your establishment and letting him gamble on credit is like taking an alcoholic to a bar and telling him to help himself.”
He gives a short bark of humorless laughter. “You really don’t know your husband at all, do you?”
My mouth opens and more trite nonsense pours out. “I know he needs my help.”
“Do you really want him back after what you saw?” he asks incredulously.
I don’t think. I say what is expected of me. “He’s my husband.”
He shakes his head. “You’re unbelievable.”
“It’s called loyalty, Nikolai. You should try it sometime.”
The reaction I get is far worse than when I slapped him. He goes white. For a while he says nothing. Just stares at me. Then he shakes his head. Not in disgust as he had before, but as if telling himself no.
“Fuck it, Star. You want him. Go on, go to him.” He jerks his head. “He’s in there. Tell him all is forgiven. The debt is paid in full. Take him home and go back to playing ostrich. You’re so fucking good at it.”
“Nikolai?”
He takes a step back as if I could contaminate him. “No, I should have known better. Go back to him. You deserve each other,” he says harshly. He looks at me with contempt. How did we get from that spell-binding kiss to this? He turns on his heel and goes back into his club.
I stand there in the street for a few more moments. Did I just imagine that? I touch my mouth. It feels swollen and tender.
I know I can’t go back in there and face Nigel. I’m too confused and wounded. In a daze, I turn my head. Andrei is waiting by the car. When he catches my eye, he opens the back door. Like a wound-up toy I walk towards him. I get into the car and he closes the door.
“Back to the house?” he asks.
I take a deep breath. “No.” I tell him my address.
“Look—,” he begins.
“Nikolai doesn’t care anymore. He said I could go. Call him if you don’t believe me.”
He takes his phone out and hits a button. He says something in Russian and listens. The reply is also in Russian and very brief. He glances at me in the rearview mirror. When he catches my eyes he quickly looks away. The phone in his hand goes dead. He sighs.
“I will take you wherever you want.”
“Thank you.”
He starts the car and drives me home. When he gets to my street, the first tears start to fall from my eyes. He stops outside my house. It is in complete darkness. I fumble with the door but he gets out and opens it for me.
“I’ll wait for you here.”
For a split second, I almost tell him to go on ahead then something stops me. I nod, thank him, and walk up to my house. How I loved this house. Once, when I was a different person.
I climb the steps. I touch the front door. I know where the spare key is but I don’t want to go in. It feels as if I no longer belong here. I turn away from it and go back down the steps.
Then I stop halfway.
Will I regret this decision all my life? Be brave, Star. Go all the way. There is nothing to fear but a lie. It’s time I knew the truth. All of it. I turn around, pick up the spare key, and enter the house. It smells different. How strange that I cannot recognize the smell of my house.
I don’t switch on the light. I go through the hallway and up the stairs. My footsteps are silent on the carpet. I enter the bedroom and flick the light switch.
For a second I am blinded, then I look around me. The bed is unmade. Yeah, I expected that. I walk to my closet I open it. It looks untouched. My hands move to the end of the rail. To the very end. There it is, my school uniform. Well, not my school uniform, but an exact copy to remind him of the first time we met. Bigger obviously, to take into account that I am no longer sixteen. I pull the hanger out and bring it to my nose.
I close my eyes and exhale. It is not pain. It is relief. Now I know for sure. I don’t have to guess. I don’t have to regret. It’s hard evidence. The decision is as clear as day. Another woman’s perfume. He’s had someone else in this house and asked her to wear what I thought was our thing. What I wore the very first time we met.
How stupid of me.
Nikolai and Rosa were right all along. Nigel is a pervert. It makes me feel slightly sick to think how utterly naïve I’ve been. What a fool. How he must have laughed at me.
Never mind. I will have the last laugh.
I hook the hanger back into its place and close the cupboard. I look around me and shake my head. Incredible. It was all lies. Every bit. I walk to the door, switch off the light and go to stand at the window. In the moonlight I see my moon garden. The glowing white flowers that I planted to bloom at night.
I turn away and go down the stairs. I know now that the yellow room will never be used. No fat baby will wear those irresistible rompers. My birds will find their food elsewhere. My garden will make some other person happy. I go out of the front door and return the key to its secret place.
“Goodbye house.”
I walk to the car and get into it. “Can you take me back to the club?”
“Of course,” he says in his respectful manner.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Nikolai
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlKaVFqxERk
If You Leave Me Now
‘‘Sit down, Smirnov,” Vasily says, nodding to the chair in front of his table.
I don’t sit. There is no love lost between us. He considers me a trouble maker and I despise him. As the second in command he looks the other way while the Director presides over an institution run on brutality and cruelty.
Right now, though, I feel nothing except pure fear. I watch him as he leans his heavy frame on the table and feigns emotion.
‘‘I’m afraid I have some bad news. Your brother died this morning.’’
In my soul, I already knew what he was going to say, but it doesn’t lessen the impact of his words. I feel as if I am falling into a black bottomless hole. I try to grab hold of anything I can. My head feels light. I clutch onto the table edge in front of me.
‘‘I’m sorry, Nikolai. He fell over the banister.”
“No,” I gasp. “That’s impossible. Someone must have pushed him.”
He shakes his head slowly. “He didn’t just fall. He jumped.”
“That’s a fucking lie,” I snarl.
r /> “We do not condone the use of such words in this institution,” he says sternly.
“Someone pushed him.”
“No one pushed him, Smirnov. He left a letter for you. A suicide note.”
I stare at him in disbelief. It is a lie. They have killed my brother and now they are trying to make me believe that he killed himself. Why would he do that? “Where is the letter?” I say, my voice trembling with the raging fury that is threatening to consume me.
He takes a crumpled envelope that was sitting on his left, and holds it out to me.
I snatch it from him and tear it open. I see the handwriting and bile rushes up my throat. I try to swallow it down. Jesus! My brother took his own life!
My dear brother,
I hope you won’t think I am a coward. I’ve tried my best to be as brave as possible. I know you are trying to escape this place. I know you can even leave tomorrow, but you are waiting for me, because you think I’m not strong enough to scale the wall. I don’t want to hold you back. So I am going to be brave and not hold you back any longer.
With all my love,
Your Pavel.
I look up from the letter. Vasily is watching me. I’m too stunned to feel anything. Not pain, not hurt, not anger. My brother jumped to his death because he did not want to hold me back!
“I want to see my brother.”
“You’ll be able to see him later. At the funeral.”
I knew all about their funerals. They hold it at the back of the home. There is a small cemetery there and they bury all the children who die in there. There is no coffin. They are wrapped up in their bedsheet and lowered into the ground. One of the groundsmen then shovels dirt on top.
He was all I had in this world. I slam my fist into the wall. The pain comes instantly.
“I want to see him now,” I roar.
Vasily jumps to his feet. “Calm down, Smirnov. I know you are upset and I am very sorry, but I will not allow you to destroy the property of this home. You cannot see him now. Those are the rules. If you don’t stop this behavior I’ll have to ask the nurse to bring you some sedatives to calm you down.’’