“I heard the on-post housing is really nice, but we did find a cute little house only a few miles from post. It has a small garden for the dogs. Speaking of dogs, it’s next to impossible to bring them to Hawaii with us. People are telling me that their animals were quarantined for months before they would release them. That’s a headache we’re still trying to navigate.”
I listened to Stewart talk for the rest of our session, but underneath every word, there was Kael. His calloused hands grazing my thighs, his mouth between them, spreading me open. Being exposed like that didn’t frighten me. The way he touched me, the way he looked at me, it was as if he found something inside of me, made it blossom. I begged for his mouth to suck at my skin, pleaded for him to hook his fingers inside of me.
My tummy ached, my body missed his. After last night, I didn’t feel so afraid of what was going to happen next with us. We didn’t have a plan, but we didn’t need one. We had time to go at our own pace and tailor this … relationship to exactly what we wanted it to be. Right now that meant spending each and every waking moment questioning the world together.
I found myself counting down to the end of Stewart’s treatment so that I could at least check my phone. I wanted to connect with him in any way I could. I needed to feel closer to him. Even just to see his name on my phone screen. To reread the texts he had sent this morning. I wanted to see the picture I took of us, lying in my bed with his arm draped lazily across my lap. His eyes were closed, a big smile on his face. Three more minutes. That seemed excruciatingly long. I didn’t think Stewart would even notice since I was already just doing a sort of cool down on her, gently moving my hands over her skin to relax her after the deep tissue massage.
I waited it out for one more minute and ended her session with two minutes to go. I felt a little guilty, but a little rush too. I grabbed my phone from the shelf the moment my hands left her body.
No new messages, but I did have a missed call from my dad. Well, that could wait. I didn’t feel like talking to him. The only thing on my mind was how Kael’s mouth tasted like his cherry ChapStick and how hard he laughed when I tripped over a piece of tile in my bathroom. We had moved from my bedroom to my bathroom, still not able to let go, to stop touching, stop exploring one another.
“Karina?” Stewart’s voice made me jump. My phone dropped to the floor, the picture of Kael and me open on the screen.
“Oh my God, sorry!” I hid my face under my hair as I bent down to grab it. “I’ll let you get dressed. See you in the lobby,” I told her, leaving her in privacy.
When I stepped into the hallway, I had to bite my lips to stop myself from laughing. Typically, I would fret over something like that. Even something as small as that. Was Stewart uncomfortable or thinking that I lost my mind? This time, my brain didn’t go there the way it normally did, until I forced it to. It naturally thought about how obsessed I was becoming with Kael and how big his smile would be when I told him about my phone mishap in front of Stewart.
What I felt for Kael was something between sweet infatuation and total annihilation. It was powerful and raw. He was fierce as an animal, and yet so kind and gentle. He was a bundle of contradictions. Every conflict there was. He had an animalistic nature. It was more secure and calm than the chaos of being on the verge of commitment. I was terrified because no matter how thrilling it was to immerse myself in Kael and the stillness he brought to my life, until last night my fears had made me fight against everything, even my own desire. As he slept on my chest, and again when he woke up in the middle of the night asking for someone named Nielson, then shouting Phillip’s name, I made a promise to myself and to Kael that I would confront my fears, that I would stop letting the terrible unknown control everything. I deserved to let go and live—really live. And he deserved the version of me who didn’t need to know where everything would fit.
And I was living, now that my doubts and insecurities had been lifted just enough enough to feel the buzz inside me turn from panic to excitement.
Was this what happiness was like?
“IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE you like this,” Stewart told me. squeezing my hand as I handed her a pen and her receipt.
I smiled, shaking my head. “What? I’ve always been like this.”
We both laughed and I felt that I was sharing something with her. Yes, this must be what happiness was like.
“See you next week,” she said.
I was pleased for Stewart and the change ahead, but I was going to miss her so much.
I cleaned up my room as fast as I could while still being thorough. I threw towels in the laundry and checked the bathroom to make sure it was clean and that the scented wax burner inside didn’t need another cube.
I didn’t wait for Elodie to finish her client, just shouted a general bye in Mali’s direction and left. Every day that passed I loved my house more and was thankful I only had to walk five minutes. I texted Kael to make sure he was still at my house.
*On my way. I missed you. I hope you’re still in my bed ?*
I stared at the phone as I walked outside, turning into the alley. It was cool, the clouds blocking the sun. I thought, feeling only slightly ridiculous, that when I saw Kael, even the sky would shine brighter. A few more minutes. The texting bubble popped up, three little gray dots were there, then they weren’t.
I looked up from my phone and down the alley. I could see Kael’s Bronco parked on the street right in front of my house. Curb appeal of a different sort, I thought. But when I got to the end of the street and went to cross, my eyes landed on a black Buick parked in my driveway. I hadn’t noticed it until now. I didn’t need to see the US ARMY sticker on the bumper to know it was my dad’s.
I felt as if someone had poured a bucket of cold water over me. I was nervous, now. Unsettled. I almost wanted to turn back around and hide behind the line of dumpsters in the alley while I text Kael and tell him to get rid of my dad. Honestly, I would have, and should have, but my dad’s voice boomed through the yard and across the street to me.
The screen door was open and as I walked faster I could see the shape of my dad, his back turned to me. He was standing just inside my little house and his hands were raised like he was yelling. Kael’s voice was next.
“You don’t have a fucking clue!” he shouted. Chills ran from the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes and something in my brain, some minuscule detail of a buried memory, told me to stop there, right before I reached the porch.
I stayed in the cover of the alley while they were going at it. And they were going at it hard, each word a blow. Afghanistan. Cover-up. How dare you come here. Criminal. My family. My daughter. My daughter.
I hugged the wall and crouched down small, a vain attempt to protect myself from what I was hearing. But of course I didn’t know what I was hearing. I couldn’t make sense of it other than to understand that my dream of happily-ever-after had just ended. And a nightmare had begun.
“DON’T THINK I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE you the moment you walked into my house,” my dad said. He was angry. The last time I saw him this mad was when he saw “DIVORCE LAWYERS” in my mom’s search history on the family computer. Yeah, my dad was the kind of guy who checked up on his wife’s search history.
“Why didn’t you say something then? If you were so worried about my intentions with your daughter?” Kael’s words stuck to me.
What was this? What was happening?
I felt like I was in a fun house, mirrors cut in weird shapes, bent to confuse you with a distorted vision of reality. What you thought was reality. Everything around me was warped, I could barely feel my feet on the grass.
“I wasn’t sure at first. Then I asked Mendoza if it was you. You’ve grown up a lot since then.”
“Because I was a child. A few months out of high school.”
“You’re still a child. Going around asking questions, sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.”
“They came to me. I got pulled in for questioning be
cause he tried to blow his fucking head off, okay?” Kael was trying to tame himself. I could tell by the way his breath pushed through his words.
“That was unfortunate, I’ll grant you. But this can’t get out.” My dad’s voice was lower to the ground now. He was menacing. More than a little scared, too. “We’ll all be fucked! Do you not realize that, boy?”
“Don’t call me boy! I’m not your fucking boy.”
I stood up, not caring now if they saw me.
I knew I needed to go inside, for my dad’s sake. I couldn’t let this escalate, but I knew that I couldn’t trust either of them to tell me the whole truth when I got there. I hated that.
“We’ll all be fucked. I’m retiring, you’re so close to that medical discharge you want,” he told Kael. “Mendoza—he’s getting the help he needs and can stay enlisted. We can’t have people snooping around.”
“Snooping around? Innocent people died and you fucking knew and hid it!” Kael shouted at my father as I opened the door. When he saw me his anger turned to panic.
With a slower reflex, my dad turned around to see what had Kael’s attention.