His expression softened. "Yes, Kitten. That's what I was waiting for. I'm always the one initiating sex. Just one damn time I'd like to know you wanted me for a change."
The raw loneliness in his voice took her breath away. How could he not know she wanted him? "I attacked you first. More than once," she said. He always seemed so confident, arrogant even. For just that moment he seemed almost insecure.
He shook his head. "Not the same thing, baby, and you know it. That was the leopard's heat talking mostly. But then, a few days ago, you gave yourself to me and then you took you away. You dangle paradise in front of a starving man, give him a taste and then take it away, he gets angry and he isn't going to accept that loss."
She didn't understand and it made her more frustrated than ever. He held her close to his side, his arm around her waist. His body language, face and eyes said anger, but the gentle way he held her said something altogether different.
"My parents died and my life turned to total shit, baby. Not like yours. Not even close, but I had this leopard and he was riding me hard, struggling for control. I was always in fights. Didn't matter where I was, honest to God, or how much I wanted to stay there, I couldn't stop the fights. And the need to fuck. All the time. It never let up. If I didn't give in and find myself someone to ride hard then I was beating the crap out of someone. I was a teenager without direction and a leopard that needed sex and violence all the time. That got me kicked out of a dozen homes in a few very short years. It also got me pitted against the male adults in the homes where I stayed. That meant fists and beatings and forcing me to hold my leopard back. Once . . ."
He closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them again, she could see that leopard, feral and wild with hunger and needs of its own. She held her breath and her fist twisted in his loose shirt.
"Not just once," he confessed, the words sounding as if each was bitter and disgusting. "Many times, I had to fight my own nature. My leopard wanted free rein. I was young and it felt like protection, but he would have killed them. I knew he would have. I couldn't allow it and it just made it all the more difficult to take those beatings when I knew I could let him loose and it would be over."
She inhaled sharply, her natural compassion rushing to overtake her.
"I've never told a damn soul this fucking shit, baby," he confided. His hand slid under her chin and he tipped her face up to his. "Just you. Because I trust you. Because you make my life worth something. You make all those years worth fighting and being strong, learning control. I know I'm controlling. I know I can get mean. I'm trying, Kitten. Really. My life has to be control. I can't take too much chaos, because as I've grown stronger, so has he."
She pressed closer to him. She didn't know what to say. "I have no idea how I make your life worthwhile, Eli."
"Are you fucking kidding me, Catarina?" He all but snarled it. "Look around you. Look at our home. You made this place a home. You take care of me. No one has done that for me. It isn't that you cook for me, it's that you love cooking for me and I can taste it in every bite I take. When you give yourself to me, it's full surrender. Everything. All of you. In the mornings when I wake up, you're cuddled into me all soft and warm and you always smile. Always. The sun rises right there. I know my day is going to be good because you smiled at me. I could give you a million more reasons, and I know I'm being damned selfish that I wanted--no I need you to make a move on me. I have to know that you aren't staying with me because I fucking forced you to."
God. He was giving her everything. Stripping himself of pride. Of his ego. Of the confident, arrogant, controlling man that he was. She fell a little bit more in love with him. How could she not?
"I don't know what I'm doing," she admitted, embarrassed. Not just embarrassed--humiliated. Nearly as humiliated as when Rafe had insisted she read a poem to his visitors. "And it's mortifying. You're so experienced, Eli, and I hate doing anything wrong in front of you because I don't want you to think I'm stupid."
"Baby," he said gently, cupping the back of her head in his palm. His eyes softened. His face gentled. He slid his thumb over her lips. "Is that what you've been afraid of? That you wouldn't do it right? And never again, ever, believe that I would think you were stupid. I'm very aware how intelligent you are. You not only outsmarted Cordeau, but you fooled me a time or two as well." His head dipped down to hers, his lips feathering gently over hers. "You really didn't make a move because you were afraid you wouldn't do something right? Baby, there is no right way."
She nodded, miserable. "I hate not knowing what I'm supposed to do. And there might not be a right way, but there's a way you like it. That's the way I want to do it."
"What did I tell you about that, Cat? When you need something, talk to me. You want information, especially about something as important as this, you talk to me. Kitten, I like anything I can get from you. Anything. Any way. I need to know you're with me because you want to be with me, not because you have to." He shoved a hand through his hair, messing it up.
She liked his hair messed up. Already her body was heating up. Needing. Hungry for him. She let it happen because this time she was going to ask. If he needed to know she wanted him as much as he wanted her, she could show him that.
"I thought tying you to me with sex would be a good idea, Catarina," he confessed. "But in the end, all it's done is make you think that's all I want from you. I have to admit, I'm very sexual, it matters. I'm not saying it doesn't. But all the rest of it, all that you give me, the way you give it to me, your surrender to me, putting up with my shit, that makes the physical take a backseat. You get me? Do you understand what I'm saying to you, baby? Because it's important you know that."
She nodded. Took a breath. Made a decision. "I'm going to get your coffee for you. I want you to take your clothes off and sit in your favorite chair and wait for me. I'll be out in a minute and I'll expect a little direction."
His golden eyes searched hers for a long time. A slow heat crept in. Hunger. Desire. Lust. She watched it build. She had put that look there. He liked control, but she was taking charge and he liked that too.
"Don't be long, baby. I'm already dying here a little."
He leaned down and took her mouth in a long, slow kiss that only added to the fire burning so hot in her veins. When he lifted his head, she saw it. Stark, raw love. He took her breath away, but then he always did. She turned back to the kitchen, needing a little space to collect herself. She'd tamed the leopard. It was powerful and exhilarating. She'd made her stand, and he'd listened to her. He'd shared himself with her. He'd given her his childhood and his struggles.
As she made his favorite coffee, she realized he had the same struggle all along that Rafe had. His leopard was a dominant male, fierce and wild. Rafe had lost control, but Eli had taken control. That was why he was so overboard about control in the world he'd created for himself.
She stripped off her shirt and went to him naked. She stepped onto the porch and immediately saw him in the shadows. He sat in his chair, following her instructions, naked, his cock already hard and thick. One hand fisted the length and slowly, casually moved up and down in a mesmerizing slide. Her mouth watered. She loved seeing him do that. That simple action turned her on all the more.
She set the coffee down on the small table beside him. Her courage was beginning to fail a little. She still didn't know what she was doing.
"I'm not certain I'll be able to drink that coffee with your mouth wrapped around me, baby," he confided, his voice low. Husky. Sexy. "I think that might be too much of a distraction to enjoy the coffee. But, baby, if that's what you want, then that's what I'll do. Or I'll try."
She found herself smiling. She knew he was deliberately putting her at ease. "I thought, at first, you could let me . . ." She trailed off, hesitating. He waited, and she sighed. "Explore."
He smiled at her. "I get that. I'll just sit back and drink my coffee. We're not in any hurry, although this might just kill me. There's no right way or wrong way right now. I want you to do some exploring. Whatever feels good to you. Get to know the shape and feel of me, you'll know what I like and what I don't. I won't like the feel of your teeth, but I'll love your tongue."
She took a breath, her eyes searching his face for a long while. He was patient. Her gaze dropped to his cock still wrapped in his hand. He was big. Long and thick. The crown was broad and looked silky. She loved to look at him. He was all muscle, all power and danger. His cock matched the rest of him.
"Keep telling me what to do, Eli. When I hear your voice, it's reassuring to me. I need to know you're there. I like it when you give me guidance." That was her confession. Her surrender. She hoped he understood what she meant.
Of course he knew. He immediately complied, using that low, commanding tone she loved. The one that vibrated between her legs and made her burn hotter.
"Kneel, Kitten, with your knees wide. That lets me see you like what you're doing. That's important to me, knowing you're enjoying yourself."
She moved into position between his legs. His skin was hot and smelled a little wild, feral, definitely primitive. She liked the way he smelled. There were two pearly drops on the silken head of his cock and she leaned into him to lick them off as she opened her knees wide.
His taste was addicting. She didn't know if he was that way naturally or if it was the things he chose to eat, only that she loved the taste of him and always craved more. For her, this moment was huge. She wanted to know she could please him just the way he pleased her. She needed to feel on the same level with him, that he wanted her just the way she wanted him, that no one else would do. And she needed to know that she could bring him to the very edge of his control, or even, possibly, tipping him past it. She liked that he cared enough to give her power. And she knew this was very powerful.
Eli dropped his hand to the top of Catarina's head and brushed a caress over her hair with one hand while he reached casually for the coffee cup with the other. There was something very decadent about sitting on his porch in the late evening, a cup of coffee in his hand and his woman kneeling between his legs, her hands caressing his balls, her tongue gliding over the crown of his cock.
She looked so anxious that he cursed himself that he hadn't seen the problem. He should have known she wouldn't have the confidence to initiate sex, particularly sucking his cock in the early morning hours. He wanted to groan aloud at the thought of her looking at him and wondering what to do.