I swallowed down a bolt of panic. I hadn't prepared for this - for the assumption she'd actually made. What was I supposed to do now?
I certainly couldn't tell Ethan I was having an affair. I wasn't having an affair; I wouldn't do that to him, or anyone else.
There was no honorable exit strategy here, only a least offensive option. I could be honest, pray that he'd forgive me, and hope to God that Jonah did, too.
I called up every ounce of bravery I possessed, and it was only barely enough to force the words past my lips.
"I joined the Red Guard."
Ethan's face went white, and his eyes went huge. He stared at me, and my heart fell to my knees.
"You - you . . ." He tried to speak, but he was furious enough that he couldn't get the words out. "You did what?"
I cleared my throat, trying to find my voice and remember why I'd made the decision that I had. Because I'd been given the choice to serve, and I knew my choice had been right. "I joined the Red Guard. I'm a member now."
He just stared at me, as seconds or minutes or hours passed. I waited on tenterhooks while he assessed my dishonesty, and probably the validity of our relationship. Finally I broke, and filled the silence I could no longer stand.
"You were gone," I said. "And the GP was destroying us from the inside out. They came to me, and I said yes for the House - for what was left of us without you."
He put a palm against his chest. "For my House? To join an organization whose sole purpose is to spy on us?"
"We aren't spies," I insisted, holding my ground. "It was the right thing to do. Is the right thing to do. We were falling apart, and things certainly haven't gotten any better. I'm so sorry. I hated keeping it from you, Ethan. Hated it. But I couldn't tell you."
He glared at me. "Don't talk to me about your motivations." He wet his lips and looked away. "You've been inducted?"
Fear strangled me, and it took me a moment to answer. For both of us, there was no turning back. "Yes. Lacey saw it. She followed me to the meet."
His jaw clenched. "And he's your partner?"
I shrank back into myself, fearing this answer would seal my fate. If Ethan hadn't been at stake, I wouldn't have answered. But it would be disrespectful to lie to him.
"Yes," I finally admitted.
"Are you f**king kidding me?" His eyes flashed silver, and a pulse of bright, hot, furious magic filled the air.
I swallowed, and nodded. Ethan's chest rose and fell, shock and fury battling in his face. He looked like he couldn't decide whether to scream or cry, whether to bellow out his agony or curse the gods.
"You were gone," I repeated.
He barked out a laugh. "And that's the rub, isn't it, Merit? I'm back now."
I nodded.
"I've been back . . . for a month . . . and you hadn't bothered to tell me?" He took a menacing step closer. "I had to find out like this, from another Master, Merit? From a vampire I made and trained? A vampire who has, apparently, more honesty than my own girlfriend."
"I couldn't tell you. You may not agree with what I did, but you know why they exist. You know what they stand for." Right and justice, I thought.
That didn't seem to matter to him. "Did you share blood with him?"
"It was just a drop. Just a drop on a blade. There was no drinking. I swear it."
There was a sudden sadness in his eyes, a sadness that hurt me more than anything else and seared me to the bone. He wasn't just angry; he was hurt.
"I am so sorry. I didn't want this to come between us."
"This, Merit, is an organization that presumes I'm shitty at my job, that I require guarding, that I am like them, the members of the goddamn Greenwich Presidium, which is currently trying to take my House away."
I stood a little straighter; he was making my point for me. "That's exactly why I had to do it, Ethan - because that's what the GP is. They're tyrants. And we're trying to keep that from happening. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. But for better or worse, the secret wasn't mine to tell."
Fury unabated, Ethan shook his head. "You told me Jonah helped you while I was gone. It appears that wasn't an accident."
"He helped me with the raves while you were busy taking care of the House. And after you were gone, we worked together to figure out what Mallory was doing."
"And have you lied to me about anything else?"
That question stung just like a slap. "I didn't lie about this."
"You significantly omitted. Regardless, you'll resign."
"What?"
"You'll resign." He took out his phone and held it out, fire in his eyes. "You'll call him right now, you'll tell him it was a mistake, and you'll resign."
I stared back at him. "I won't resign. I made a promise, and it was the right promise to make."
His eyes blazed again. "You took an oath to me. To this House."
"That's why I'm doing it! Ethan, now more than ever, we need the Red Guard. We need eyes on the GP. We need vampires who are willing to look beyond what the GP tells them to do and think critically. We need help."
"We need a Sentinel with undivided loyalties."
I stepped closer to him. My own temper was rising, but damn, did anger feel better than guilt and fear.
I put a finger in my chest. "I'm Sentinel of this House, and I'm loyal to it. My job is to do the right thing, and in my judgment, this is the right thing."
"You joined a secret organization whose goal is to undermine my leadership!" He sounded flabbergasted.
"No, I joined a secret organization to watch the bad guys who were undermining - and who continue to undermine - your vampires."
"And now you'll resign."
"I absolutely will not resign." Whatever doubt remained about my RG membership was quickly dissipating, despite Ethan's efforts to the contrary.
His nostrils flared. He wasn't used to being challenged. "I am Master of this House."
Finally, familiar territory. "And I am Sentinel of this House. Ethan, if the RG came to you tomorrow, you'd do the exact same thing. Yes, I made a difficult decision. I made a decision that clearly is making you ask questions about my loyalties, and that truly sucks. But this is the right thing for the House, and I stand by it. And if you'll stop acting on your prejudices and think - truly think - about the advantages this gives us, you'll know it, too."
"I know I trusted you with my House, Merit, and with my honesty, and with my heart. Was that the right thing?"
As if in answer for me, my phone rang. I didn't so much as reach down to turn it off, but his eyes narrowed anyway.