Even though I’m being scolded right now, even though I know it’s a highly inappropriate response to the verbal lashing my ass is getting, my pussy clenches at the way Neil says that last part, and I shudder at the picture it flashes inside my brain.
“I asked you a question, goddess, and I expect an answer,” he says, and his tone is what I would imagine hearing if he were dominating me and I was his sub. I didn’t know Neil’s voice could sound like that, and for some reason, it’s like he’s speaking directly to my soul.
I respond without hesitation. “You’re right. I wouldn’t have trusted you like I do now.” My voice is breathy, needy, and I want to slap myself out of it. But I can’t. Not when Neil is still looking up at me like that even though his voice made it seem like he’s towering over me while I’m on my knees before him.
“Good girl. Now, please tell me. What is your fascination with BDSM novels?” he asks and makes to move back in his spot, but I grab his arm beneath the rumbling water to stop him.
“Wait!” It comes out as a squeak through my tight throat, so I clear it. “Will um… will you stay here? I feel… I feel like it’s easier to think clearly when you’re um… looking at me and speaking to me that way,” I confess, my cheeks flushing.
He slowly glides back into place, this time settling his knees on the bottom, and his eyes soften ever so slightly. “Ahh, goddess. I think I just got my answer without you even saying a word about it. But I want to hear you say it.”
I nod, unable to meet his eyes but focusing on his perfect lips surrounded by that sexy beard. “The first books I read, they were hot.” I shrug. “The premise was arousing, the contract, laying it all out what they were sexually into and not. At the time, it was… appealing, the thought of making a legal documentation saying that he wouldn’t do the things she deemed a hard limit, because while she could clearly state he wasn’t allowed to do certain things to her body, I wasn’t being given that choice.”
He moves his hands to grip my knees, pulling my legs apart and moving closer between my thighs. The comfort of his closeness helps me to keep going.
“I followed the links of suggested books since I liked those, and it led me to one that was way more in depth about the relationship a Dominant and submissive have with each other. It was a fictional love story, but it really explained what BDSM is truly about, the trust between the people and who really holds the power. It went into detail about how it’s actually the submissive who is in control while the Dominant rules her body. He could do anything to her they agreed on, even push her past what she thought was her limit, but with one whisper of her safe word, everything would stop in their tracks. She wouldn’t be punished for tapping out. And even better, he would love on her and comfort her afterward for being pushed too far. And again, it just really spoke to me, the idea of being in that sort of partnership.” I swallow, lifting my hand to rub the back of my neck, the muscles feeling tense.
“As I told you yesterday, the books I was reading turned me on enough that I actually wanted to have sex. But even then, I never got anything out of it in the end. Then I found these BDSM romances. And everything in them was so arousing. Everything, from the idea of being dominated, to submitting to a man I trusted with not only my body but my heart, to a Dom having so much knowledge to take me to sexual heights I’d never been, actually caring about my pleasure. Not only that, but the submissives’ backstories always just… spoke to me. I saw myself in them.” I scoff. “I mean, obviously. I stayed with a man for almost a decade who did nothing but make my life a living hell.”
I let out a great big sigh and pause, gearing up for the rest of it. The worst part. “I wanted to be one of these heroines. And I thought, oh my God, what if I could have that? What if he’d be willing to learn to do it and treat me like the heroes in these books?” I feel my chin wobble and look down into the roiling water.
“And then I made the biggest mistake of my life.” I take in a stuttering breath. “I told him about the BDSM love stories I was devouring, confided how turned on I got by the Dominants and their submissives, hoping he’d want to roleplay a little, and maybe then I’d be able to finally get something out of it.” A tear escapes my eye, and Neil’s wet hand comes up to wipe it away with his thumb.