After we’re finished with dinner, I pass Kody back to RJ and clean up the kitchen while he cuddles him. It’s sweet and wonderful and confusing—because it makes me hopeful.
Once the kitchen is tidied and the leftovers are put away, I open the bottle of wine and pour us each a glass, although mine is modest since I’ll need to feed Kody again around midnight. Usually I’d put him in his crib at this point in the evening, but I don’t want to take him from RJ, especially when they’re so enthralled with each other. Kody can’t seem to take his eyes off RJ, and he giggles every time RJ makes a face or tickles his little feet. While Walter seems to enjoy Kody, he never really settles with him, not like this.
Once RJ is seated, I help make him more comfortable by propping his arm up with a cushion. “Is that better?”
“Yeah, much. Thanks.” He smiles. “You’re great at this—you know that, right?”
“Not really. I’m just figuring things out as I go.”
“That’s kind of how parenting is, though, isn’t it?”
“Seems that way.”
I spend the next half hour opening the various boxes RJ sent. There are clothes—most of which won’t fit Kody for a few more months—toys, a new top-of-the-line stroller I drooled over when I was pregnant but knew I’d never be able to afford. There’s even a sweet little hockey jersey with “Bowman” and RJ’s number on the back—and a teddy bear with a matching jersey that’s almost the same size as Kody.
“You went a little overboard,” I say as I survey the empty boxes and the pile of new clothes and toys.
“I’m making up for all the missed time. And I want to reassure you that I have no intention of trying to take Kody away from you—I just don’t want to miss out on any more of his life than I already have. Does that make sense?”
“It does. And I don’t want you to think I don’t want you in our lives. I’ve just spent all this time doing it on my own. He’s just been mine, so the thought of having to share him is scary.”
“I get it, but won’t it be a lot easier if we’re in this together instead of you on your own?” he asks softly.
“Is that what you want? For us to be in this together?”
RJ swallows thickly. “I had sort of hoped we could see if we still fit. I know I have to work to earn back your trust, Lainey. I get that I messed this up—and that’s on me—but I’ll be honest: it gutted me when I realized I had no way to contact you and I’d left you with no way to find me either. I wanted so badly to seek you out, but I figured your not answering the phone and not leaving a note was clearly telling me you weren’t interested in an ‘us’ outside of Alaska. I should’ve tried to find you, but I didn’t think I could handle hearing that kind of truth. I wish I could go back and do things differently.”
I clasp my hands in my lap, trying to keep myself from wringing them out of nervousness. I fell so hard and fast for him last time, and the aftermath was more painful than I ever could have imagined, but it can’t be by chance that we’ve found our way back to each other. I owe it to myself and to Kody to see if we still feel the same way. “I think, for Kody’s sake, it’s worth trying.” I still need to be careful with my heart, though.
“Really?”
“We worked well together before, but everything was so different, so we’ll have to see. One day at a time and all that, right?”
RJ nods. “I can handle one day at a time.”
I don’t mention my fears: that this reality is too different from the one we lived in a year ago. This one has responsibilities and obligations that Alaska didn’t. And all the attention RJ seems to thrive on terrifies me. But for Kody I’ll try—and, selfishly, for me, because the other option is shared custody, and I don’t want to give up 50 percent of my time with my son.
“Um, I don’t know how to broach this without it being awkward, but I spoke to the team doctor about a formal DNA test. It’s pretty obvious that Kody is mine, but I figured we’ll need it moving forward, and it’ll avoid a lot of red tape—so whenever you have time, he can make a house call.”
Kody starts fussing, as if he can suddenly sense my anxiety. Without my having to say a word, RJ carefully transfers him to my arms. I shush him, patting his bottom as he cuddles into my neck and snuffles quietly. “Any day is fine with me. I have tomorrow off, but I’m not sure if that’s too short notice or not.”