I see you, Darby.
I see you.
It was kind of what put the nail in the coffin. I didn’t know what I wanted until later, though. I approached you after everyone had left, sat down, and crossed my legs in front of you. You watched the movement with hooded eyes, you wanted me, and I wanted you. There was no doubt in my mind. It felt powerful to have a man like you want me.
You see, this is the part where most people run. I knew a guy who knew a guy, and I got him to check you out. Your bank account, your history, all of it. I mean, I didn’t want to sleep with a murderer, even if he was as handsome as you.
So, I seduced you, and you let me. You took me back to the room, and I did the unthinkable, I bit the condom when I slid it on you. Tore a hole in it.
When you touched me in the elevator on the way up to your room, I knew then that I wanted what you could give me. I knew what I yearned for and that I could never really have, a child.
I wanted a child.
To have that thing a woman wants, to feel I created a life. And even though I’m going to die, because I have no doubt in my head I’m going to die, Darby. I feel funny writing that. When you read this, I’m probably dead and there’s a part of me left here on earth, I’ve left my legacy on this world—something good.
I was born to have him or her. I know I was. I just went about it the wrong way. Some might say I’m crazy. But the minute those lines came up on my pregnancy test, I cried. I cried for two whole days because it was the happiest I’d ever been in my life.
I wasn’t going to tell you, I had this belief in my head that I would be okay. Then reality set in. And your hands would haunt my dreams with the way you touched me that night. I knew you would never hurt this child, that you would protect him or her no matter what. So, I came to you, and you did as I had hoped. You did everything I thought you would.
Do you know why, Darby?
Do you?
Because you’re a good man.
I saw the way you’d look down on me when I asked for money. You assumed I was using you. I wasn’t, that part was hard. I was just preparing you, without letting you know, having everything you would need ready and waiting for you should you need it after my death.Is he beautiful? I found out today that it’s a boy. I had to take a break from writing this. I’ll keep on writing it as my pregnancy progresses. It will be my journal for you. Do you like the sound of that?He kicked today, it was the most spectacular thing I’d ever felt in my life. To have this little soul in me kick, something that we’ve created together. Wow! He’s beautiful, I know he is. Tell him every day that he’s spectacular, that I love him. Push him beyond his boundaries, make him achieve everything he will ever want. I want him to be hungry, hungry for this life as I am, as you are. If he has your soul and my determination, he will be the best kind of human. He’s kicking. I had to stop to feel his little feet push against my belly. I’m sorry I kept this part from you. But you see I’m selfish, because you’ll get all the rest. So much more than what I will ever get. So, this pregnancy part is mine. Please forgive me, Darby.You look so tired, Darby, so, so, tired. It made me stop in my tracks when I saw you today. Do you think of me? Even now that I’m gone? I can guarantee I will think of you. You see, despite everything I did to you because I wanted him, I won’t ever apologize for him, Darby. Maybe the way I went about it—even if that was the best night of my life. It was, you know. You were so gentle with me, you never commented on the scars around my heart. You simply kissed them.
Will you love, Darby?
I think I want you to love, not just him, our baby, but I want him to have a mother. One who looks at him the way I know you will see him. With love in your eyes and joy in your heart.I’ve rambled a lot through this, haven’t I? It’s almost time now, Darby. I can feel it. The doctor told me I was dilated and ready. It’s just a matter of when.