I sigh but feel nothing. Dammit! I’m not even wet.
I push him back, so my feet hit the floor, and stand on my tippy toes. “You don’t have to be gentle with me, I won’t break.”
He gives me an odd expression then nods his head before he steps back into me. I pull my shirt off, showing him my breasts, and step back to him, while he kisses my lips softly again then works his way down. I lean back on the counter, my head lolling against one shoulder, and my chest rising for him to have me. I wait for the bite, the hard suck, but all I get is soft, gentle kisses of devotion.
That does absolutely nothing for me.
A tear leaves my eye and I want to cry.
Has Gunner broken me?
Has he made me only want what he can give?
Pushing Buck back, I step forward and kiss his lips again.
Nothing.
Nothing is happening.
Even if I find this man attractive, and even if I want what he can give me, this isn’t right for me. I want more than what he can give me.
“Rougher,” I say through sloppy kisses and grabby hands.
Buck doesn’t get it.
He presses into me more, but he simply doesn’t get what I need.
Tears leave my eyes and run down my cheeks when I realize what I’m doing and what this means.
What Gunner has made me.
I’m not this person.
I don’t want to be this person.
I do want the sweet kisses, affection, and the soft touches. I want what this man is doing to me right now, but I can’t appreciate them.
Buck pulls back, his hands going still on me as he looks down. “Did I hurt you?”
See, that? That is what I want. To be hurt. To be dominated.
I shake my head and reach for my shirt, pulling it back on.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his hand touching my shoulder, so I turn around away from him. “Was I too rough?”
I cry heavier again.
I want this—the way Buck treats a woman.
But I don’t.
What’s wrong with me?
“No,” I manage to say, swiping at my tears. “You’re…” I shake my head, “… perfect. It’s me, I’m broken.”
He sighs and reaches for his shirt, pulling it on in one swift movement. “Maybe it’s too soon for you,” he says in a calm, collected voice.
How nice is he? I cried while he tried to touch me, that isn’t normal.
“Maybe,” I reply, knowing that’s not the real reason. “Would you consider giving a crazy girl your number? I mean… if you want.” I shrug my shoulders, knowing he probably won’t want to have anything more to do with me. But he surprises me when he smiles and grabs a pen then my hand. I watch as he writes his number and then blows on it to make sure it dries and won’t smudge. When he looks back up at me, I’m smiling too.
“What’s that look for?”
I shrug again. “You’re a nice guy, aren’t you?”
“I try to be.”
“Thank you. And sorry. I didn’t mean for all that…” What? Cry and push you away, only to pull you back. Lord, my head is everywhere. Maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s something else, who knows. “I shouldn’t be drinking, not this much anyway. Next time I’ll be sober,” I say, finishing off my words.
“That sounds like a plan.”
I turn to leave and just as I do May walks in with Ryan by her side. She sees the look on my face and instantly lets go of Ryan and rushes over to me.
“You okay?”
I nod. “I’m good. But I’m going to head off.” I lean in and kiss her cheek then start walking out.
She leaves Ryan and follows me outside, but she doesn’t talk again until the door shuts. “What happened in there?” she asks while standing and waiting with me.
“I kissed him. Well, I tried to…” I trail off as her eyebrows shoot up.
“Ohhh…”
“Yep, ‘tried to’ being the operative words.” I laugh dryly.
“You don’t like him?” she asks, wearing a puzzled expression.
I lean in closer. “I do. But I like it…” taking a deep breath, “… rougher.”
May grins. “I told you I like it rougher, too. A spank here and a choke there… they’re good for the soul,” she replies.
That’s not what I mean, but I honestly don’t know how to tell her differently.
“Maybe.” I turn to look for the cab I ordered.
“It might take a few goes, Ev. You loved Gunner, so it might take a few goes to move on and have your new normal.”
“I know, doesn’t make it any easier.”
She touches my arm softly. “Call me when you get home safely, okay? And maybe next time you attempt to fuck a guy, try not to do it drunk. We all know you’re a tad emotional when you drink.”
I agree with her with a simple nod. “Is he good? Ryan, I mean. Does he treat you well?” I ask, feeling like the shittiest friend ever for paying no attention to her new man.