“But?”
I kicked at the sand in frustration. “You know, I think she gets off on it. Does that make sense?”
Alexa cocked her head to the side then straightened. “Well, I don’t know Gwen. But, it’s not unheard of that some women like that sort of thing; they like to be dominated; they like to feel that the man is in control, in control of them.”
I kicked more sand and rubbed my chin again. “I want to give her what she wants. If she wants to be dominated, I’ll dominate her. But, if I’m being honest, treating her like property, even if it’s just a game, that doesn’t feel right to me.”
“Have you talked to her about this?”
“How can I?”
“Just like you’re doing now with me.”
“No. You don’t understand.”
“Explain.”
“If I admit I don’t feel comfortable with it, well, she’s very easy-going and accommodating. She’ll agree that we should change this perspective. But she’ll say that, she’ll do that because she wants me to be comfortable.”
“And?”
“And I want her to be happy. I want to give her what she wants. To hell with my comfort.”
Alexa chuckled.
“Also, if I tell her I don’t feel comfortable dominating her and she wants to be dominated, that would just make me look weak when she wants me to appear strong. Do you see my dilemma?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I think I get it. It’s interesting to hear from a guy’s perspective.”
“Being a guy isn’t easy.”
She smirked. “Please! Don’t even get me started.”
“Do you have any advice?” I asked.
“Yes, Axel, I do. I think this is a conversation you should have with Gwen. But it doesn’t have to be about you and her—at least, you don’t need to put it that way. Try talking to her about the man-woman dynamic in a general way. You could get a better idea of what she thinks on the subject and you can adjust accordingly.”
“I don’t know.”
“Talking about it won’t make you look weak.”
“It might.”
“It will make you look honest and introspective.”
“Ergo, weak.”
She bumped me with her shoulder. “Please tell me that was a joke.”
“That was a joke.”
“Women are very perceptive,” she continued. “If you talk to her hypothetically about the man-woman dynamic, she’ll pick up on where you’re going. Trust her. and trust your instincts.”
“Sounds hard,” I said.
“It is. And also, please, don’t go on doing something or being someone you aren’t comfortable with. That won’t last.”
She was making sense. But she wasn’t telling me what I wanted to hear. I wanted a simple, easy solution, maybe a set of principles or ground rules I could follow. But it wasn’t as simple and easy as that.
“I’ll try,” I said.
“You’d better,” she replied. And nothing she’d said that night was as true as that.
18
Taylor
Five days without Gwen: I’d hardly noticed the time pass. Probably because I’d spent a good part of it thinking about her and dreaming about her. I hadn’t really been without her, since she was always on my mind. But when Elijah happened to bring it up one night, the passage of time finally struck me.
“Damn, it’s been five days since The Marina Hotel,” Elijah said.
“Five days!” I replied.
“Does it seem longer?” he asked.
“It seems like only yesterday.” Yesterday I was with Gwen at the hotel; the whole squad was there and we were taking turns satisfying her; she tossed and turned on the bed, her head arched back, mouth open, moaning in ecstasy. But that was only a daydream.
I called Travis hoping he would send her a text from me, but Travis didn’t answer. I skipped lunch and jogged down to The Bean Counter. I’d only have about fifteen minutes to spend with her, but that would have to do—that and my daydreams.
When I arrived at the cafe, Christy greeted me. She said that Gwen wasn’t in, and that she hadn’t been in the day before, either. She sounded concerned when she told me this. “I tried calling her,” said Christy. “I left a message, but she hasn’t called me back.”
“Do you have Holly’s number, her roommate?”
“Just a second.” She walked away and made a phone call. I stood there waiting and worrying.
“Here it is,” she said. She showed me her screen, and I dialed the number.
“Hello, Holly. This is Taylor.”
Holly, too, sounded worried when I told her I hadn’t been able to reach Gwen and that she hadn’t shown for work two days straight.
“I’ll call you back, Taylor.”
I didn’t want her to hang up. I wanted answers. I wanted Gwen. Instead, I was met with silence. I jogged back to the base.
I contacted the rest of the squad. That wasn’t helpful. All they could do was worry with me. Finally, Holly called me back.
“She’s in Los Angeles,” she said. Her voice betrayed worry and a bit of anger.
“What’s she doing in Los Angeles?”
“Something stupid.”
“Where in Los Angeles?”