I became aware, for the first time, of the alcohol I had consumed. Eventually, I pulled myself off the floor. I adjusted my bra and buttoned up my shirt.
Taylor and Travis were standing in front of me, or I was seeing double. Both were possible.
“Wow,” I said. I straightened my shirt and straightened my hair. “That was intense.”
“How are you feeling?” asked Taylor.
“Drunk,” I said.
I didn’t mean to imply that I’d had too much to drink or that I wasn’t in control. What I meant is that I felt intoxicated, I felt relaxed and giddy.
Still the guys took my comment as a cue to leave.
“We’d better call it a night then,” said Axel.
“Why?” I said.
He kissed me on the cheek. “We had a great time.”
Taylor gave me a kiss on the other cheek. “Amazing,” he said.
I wanted them to stay, but I didn’t insist. I saw them to the door. They gave me each a kiss on the cheek and thanked me for a fun evening.
Then I dragged myself to my bed, collapsed and fell fast asleep.
I had to wait two days before Holly returned from her trip to Colorado. I had so much to tell her, so much she wouldn’t believe. I could hardly believe it myself. I almost didn’t recognize the person I’d become. And, truth be told, I kind of liked it.
I got home from work and Holly was in the kitchen preparing food. “Hi, Holly. How was Colorado?”
“Great,” she said. “God, I love the mountains. Something about—” She stopped midway through her sentence, set the knife down on the cutting board and looked at me, bewildered. “What happened?”
I looked around like I’d missed something. “What do you mean, ‘What happened?’”
“Don’t play coy with me.” She walked around the counter to join me in the living room. “Something happened. It’s written all over your face.”
I touched my face. It felt the same.
“What’s his name?” she asked. “Is it one of the Marines? Is it Manny?”
I stared at her dumbfounded. “Wow. Really? Are you psychic or something?”
“Maybe,” she said in all seriousness. “Now, start talking.”
I took in a deep breath then told her everything that had happened over the last few days. Holly nodded and threw in an ‘oh, my’ occasionally.
“...and then I got home and learned my roommate is psychic.” I finished my story and let out an exhausted breath.
“Wow.”
“Wow? Is that all you have to say?”
She extended an index finger vertically. “Hold on a second. I’m processing.”
I, too, was processing. I felt a strong attraction to Axel. But I also felt strongly attracted to Taylor, and Manny, and Nolan. I was strongly attracted to them all. “Could it be true?” I said. “Are they really that strong of a unit that I could be attracted to them all with equal force?”
Holly put her hands in the air in a show of surrender. “What can I say? I don’t know. It seems like the student has surpassed the teacher.”
I chuckled. “I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to choose.”
Holly tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. “Why do you have to choose?”
8
Axel
Given our upcoming deployment, training had intensified, and with it, our time off was cut down considerably. Texting back and forth with Gwen was fun, but, at the same time, it increased the frustration I was feeling: frustration in not being able to see her more often and frustration in the feeling that we were on the verge of something great but not able to take it to the next level. I wasn’t the only one who felt that way; we all did. We knew we had something special; it was just out of reach, but then every now and again we’d touch it. It was real, but a heightened fantasy at the same time. It was ours, but also evasive. That added to the trill, sure. But it also added to the frustration.
The only one of our squad who didn’t feel the same way—at least I was getting the sense that he might be feeling differently—was Tristan.
“It’s too good to be true,” he said, but in a tone that resembled defeat.
“Since when have you been such a cynic?” I asked.
He didn’t answer, but he didn’t need to. I could see in his eyes that I had triggered something: a memory, perhaps, a secret. Tristan had been hurt; I didn’t know the specifics, but I knew that he was more guarded than the rest of us. I could respect that. I’d just hoped that now, with Gwen, he could share in our enthusiasm.
What I felt for Tristan was equally true for me, too. Why can’t I just accept that something great is happening to me? Why do I always look for the cloud beyond the silver lining?
“We know that bad things happen,” I said. I was talking to Tristan, but also to myself. “But sometimes good things happen, too. Why can’t this be an instance when something really good is happening? Why can’t we accept it? Why do we have to fight it?”