“You know—”
“That you regret leaving?” she challenges.
“You know I do.”
“And yet you come up with reasons to leave over and over again. That’s why I’m angry. Every second I fear the next reason will be the final reason.” Her voice vibrates with emotion and I get. I feel it—this need to hold on, to keep holding on.
“Baby, I told you. I’m not going anywhere. Ever again.”
“You’re afraid to be straight with me. You’re afraid to tell me what’s really going on. That fear leads right back to goodbye. The moments add up, Rick. They did before. I notice them, too. I know when you have moments of doubt. I’m not blind like I was in the past.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Ten mission. Ten kills. The moment at the table when you knew I knew that. The moment in the car when you were in your head, judging yourself for killing Wes and deciding I must be, too.” I open my mouth to speak, and she holds up a hand. “Judging yourself for making me a target when we both know this is all so much bigger than that now.”
“I told you. I’ve had a taste of you and us together again, baby. I’m too selfish to walk away again.”
“That’s not a denial of those moments, now is it?”
“No. They happened. They aren’t the end of us.”
“God, I wish you could be that selfish person you claim to be now, Rick, but you aren’t. That’s not who you are. That divide that separated us, it’s forming again.”
“Nothing is happening again besides us being together.”
“You didn’t want me to know about Tag’s threat. You didn’t think I could handle it. I’m not stupid. I had a blade to my neck tonight. I know what a manipulator Tag is. He’s using my father as leverage. Why would he not use me? He’s already used me. I can put two and two together.”
“As you pointed out, you had a knife held to your throat tonight, baby. Give me a little credit here for loving you enough to want to give you a moment to breathe before I unload another dump of shit on you.”
“I don’t need a moment to breathe. I need to know the truth. I do better with the truth.”
“I wasn’t lying to you or hiding the truth. I did make the judgment call that throwing that at you minutes after you were attacked or in front of people you barely know wasn’t the right decision.”
“Would you have talked yourself out of telling me?”
“No.”
“Would you hold so much back that you feel like you need to leave and not come back again?”
I drag my hand over her hair, tilting her face to mine. “It’s not the same.”
Her fingers curl on my chest, wrap around the cotton of my shirt. “The only way you know that I can handle who, and what you are, Rick, is by including me.”
“I’m brutally aware of just how clear you are on who and what I am, Candace. You watched me kill a man tonight.”
“I’m not thinking about the monster you killed. You saved my life tonight.”
“You are my life.”
“I can’t be your life if you’re afraid of me.”
“I’m not afraid of you, baby, but can you say the same of me?”
“Yes,” she declares adamantly. “Yes, I can. I’m supposed to be your partner, Rick, the one person who’s supposed to be your safe place. The one person you aren’t afraid to be you with.”
“You are, baby.”
“If that were true you’d trust me and us to stop being afraid. I saw the look on your face tonight after you killed Wes. You thought I was going to judge you.”
“I didn’t just kill him. I enjoyed it.”
Her hand settles on my face. “If he was going to kill you, I’d kill him and I’d enjoy killing him, too. And if I could have made it hurt, I would have. Would you judge me then? Would you call me a monster?”
The dark rush of emotions inside me is anything but sweet and pretty. The roar of need inside me is anything but gentle. I twine her hair around my fingers and drag her mouth to mine. “I’d call you just what I do now: mine. Only mine.”
“I’m not yours until you’re mine, Rick. And you aren’t mine.”
“Oh, I am yours, Candy, baby. You just might not like what that means.”
“Those damn words again. A man afraid of nothing but the woman he’s supposed to love,” she taunts.
“Supposed to love?” I challenge. “What the hell, Candace?”
“Love is trust, Rick. Love. Is. Trust.”
“And that’s the problem, now isn’t it? You don’t trust me to stay, Candace.”
“And you don’t trust me to love you, the real you.” She tries to pull away, but I don’t let her. I walk her right back into my arms because we’re not done. We will never be done.