But a part of me was unwilling to let go of Pia. A strange part that wanted desperately to keep her around, to keep what we’d had and at least honor the promises I’d made to her, of keeping her safe until the end of her life.
I was convinced we both knew there was nothing left of our relationships. The remaining feelings were of fondness, slight irritation, and protectiveness. But I felt no more urges to take care of Pia like I used to. No urge to kiss her, fuck her or touch her. Those days were behind us, and I only hoped she’d accepted it like I had.
“You told her, didn’t you?” she finally asked, and my eyes connected with hers.
I didn’t need to ask what she was talking about – we both knew there was only one story to tell, one thing Harlow hadn’t known yet. The baby, Pia’s lies, my own inability to be a good man for her.
“I did,” I finally said, my voice heavy. “She had to know eventually. She didn’t understand why I kept you around.”
“Why do you?” Pia asked me sharply. “Really, what’s the point of this, Rueben?”
My lips thinned when she called me by my name. I didn’t like it in the best of cases, but especially not with Pia. It made me think of more intimate moments between us. Times I’d be better of forgetting because the memory did nothing but cut deep and hurt me.
“I do it because you asked me to take care of you,” I told her plainly. “I did it because I felt like I had an obligation towards you, Pia.”
“An obligation,” she repeated, letting out a sad laugh and shaking her head in disbelief. “After all this time, is that all I am to you?”
I stayed silent, now wanting to give her the truth.
We’d hurt each other badly, Pia and me. We tore into one another, destroying the other person until we felt like we’d never love again. For a long time after all the shit went down, I was convinced we deserved one another. Thinking that she was the one for me purely because she was my kind of fucking person – dark, unforgiving and selfish as hell.
But after coming across Harlow as a little girl, I saw the first glimpse of a life that could exist for me. A chance at true happiness, a way to be with someone else without completely destroying them. Yes, I’d kept my sadistic streak, but with my Rose, my primal instinct told me to protect her from the bad stuff. And I would devote the rest of my life doing just that.
Not getting an answer out of me, Pia hung her head, refusing to look at me. I sensed tears building in her eyes, but this time at least they didn’t feel like a bargaining tool or a punishment. She was truly upset, realizing – perhaps for the first time – that she was no longer my endgame. That I wanted Harlow instead. That the final Rose had been chosen… and it wasn’t her.
“Pia,” I said, doing my best to use a gentle tone to try and get through to her. “You must have known there was nothing left between us. We’ve fucking wrecked one another… We’ve ruined our lives before. Surely you know, you understand, that this wasn’t working? It could never work.”
“I knew,” she said softly, looking up at me and not hiding the tear slipping down my cheek. “Of course, I knew it was wrong. But I loved you. I loved you so much.”
It didn’t escape me that she spoke of it the past tense, and that gave me hope.
“I needed to move on,” I told her plainly. “It was fucking destroying me, watching you turn so bitter and angry. I needed that love that we started with, but I knew we weren’t right for one another. I think you knew too.”
“A long time ago,” she said softly. “I realized it a long time ago, but I didn’t want to believe it.”
I realized she was showing me a vulnerable side of her, one I hadn’t been privy to before. But I liked it, her gentleness coming out to play and reminding me of the woman I’d fallen in love with all those years ago. Through all the layers of hurt and the facade she wore, I could still see the woman I’d loved back then. And I hoped, for my sake as well as hers, that one day, she could show that side to a man that would treat her right. I just knew it wasn’t me.
“You’re a beautiful woman,” I told her, and her eyes lingered on mine with broken hope reflected in them. “You’re smart, you’re fucking incredible, Pia. But it’s time we moved on with our lives. We’re dwelling on the past, both of us. Even though we both know we’re not the right fit for each other. It’s time to move on.”