“Hey, girl. I just left Cecil’s. You ok?”
“I guess.”
“What’s wrong?” she said.
“I just need you to stay on the phone with me for a few minutes. Can you do that?”
“Yes. Of course. Do you want me to come over? Are you home?”
“I’m home, but no, I just need you to be with me while I do this.”
“Do what?”
“I’m taking a pregnancy test,” I said. “Please don’t tell anybody.”
“I won’t. Not until you say I can. I hate that you’re there alone. That’s scary. It was even scary for me and I was married to the love of my life.”
“Yeah. Hang on. I’m gonna go pee.”
I opened the box and read the directions as closely as if I was trying to learn to defuse a bomb, even though it was pretty straightforward. Uncap stick. Pee on stick. Watch stick. After I took the test and washed my hands, I put her on speaker.
“You still there?” I said.
“Yeah. I’m still here. I’m sitting in my car, filing my nails. It’s like a trip to the spa for me. Silence and self-care.”
“Thank you for doing this. And for not slut shaming me.”
“Why would I do that? I’m not April, Layla.”
“I know. I wanted to call her, but you know I couldn’t about this.”
“God no. I’d have wrestled the phone away from you if you tried. The last thing you need in a tough time is her voice in your ear.”
“She gave up a lot to have me and keep me,” I said faintly.
“And she’s never let you forget it. As your friend, I respect the love you have for your mother and your ability to accept her despite her flaws. As a mom I want to beat her ass and then make you some soup,” she said. “Moms not being supportive of their kids makes me mad as hell. I don’t know if the mama bear thing comes with the hormones or if it’s just me.”
“I love you. I appreciate it even though I can handle her. I decided a long time ago that I want her in my life, and I’ll put up with some crap to have her there.”
“I understand because of my dad. Because—you know how he is. My mom was the best, and he was and is—who he is,” she sighed.
“It’s pink.”
“What?”
“The lines, they’re pink. That means it’s a yes,” I said.
I had my hands braced on the counter on either side of the white plastic wand that bore two unmistakable stripes.
“It means your baby and Maggie’s baby can grow up together. I mean, you two have always been as close as sisters, plus your kids will be cousins.”
“I really—haven’t figured out how to deal with that. I’d like to keep this quiet until I decide how to handle things. I don’t want him tied down here. If he wants to leave once the construction is finished at the vineyard, I don’t want him—”
“Finding out,” she finished for me.
“Yeah. Is that terrible? I know it is. I just need to think.”
“Okay. If you need anything let me know. And start putting lotion on your belly and sides now. Stretch marks are a thing before you know it. Love you.”
“Bye,” I said.
I peeled off my clothes down to my underwear and stretched out across the bed. I laid one hand experimentally on the curve of my belly down low.
“Hello in there,” I said with a half-smile. “I’m your mom. All you have to do is get big and strong. I’m gonna take care of everything.”
I kept talking.
“I’m Layla. I grew up with a single mom and no dad. You can do it. I’ve got a really good job, though, so there won’t be any problems with money. Also I’m a counselor so I’m good at listening and giving advice. Not so great at taking advice.”
I laughed ruefully and patted my belly.
“I’m gonna take good care of you. Starting tomorrow we’re going to eat a lot of vegetables and yogurt. It’ll help us both out. And I promise if you’re a girl, I will never make you wear those Lilly Pulitzer matching mom and daughter flowery dresses. I’ll get you some overalls. They are the most comfortable thing ever.”
I tried to keep my voice cheerful, but a tear seeped out of the corner of my eye and rolled down into my ear. I was pretty sure I’d never felt so lonely in my life.
19
Tyler
I finished the blocks around midnight. I had made Danny a set of wooden building blocks, shaped and sanded them by hand. I painted them with nontoxic high gloss paint in primary colors. They were his birthday present from me. Once I put the finish on them, I couldn’t decide how to package them. A gift bag seemed weird. But I’d been keeping them in a flat cardboard crate lined with newspaper so I didn’t make a mess on the floor of my cabin. I couldn’t exactly carry in the beer box I was using. First of all, I was pretty sure that wasn’t acceptable first birthday presentation. Also, I worked hard on them and wanted it to be fun to open.