“It was our fate to die there, Shelby,” Orion said, not unkindly, but not gently either. She did not have the capacity for gentle. “That’s what kept us together. Our fucking ankle manacles and the locks on the door. The second it opened, the clock started ticking. We never would’ve encountered each other in the real world. And that’s okay. We got each other through as well as anyone could. And we’re through, as much as we can be. We’ve got lives to figure out.” She paused. “Or lives to end.”
“No,” Shelby said. “We made our own fate. We did this. We got out.” She swallowed. “And Jaclyn did this. Maybe not on purpose, but she did it. It will break my heart forever, but you are not using this as an excuse to push me away. I won’t let you.”
Orion wanted to smile. Shelby bossing her around was a turn of events. Jaclyn would’ve enjoyed it. She didn’t smile, of course, didn’t say anything. She was struck dumb. Most of all, she was tired. Tired of it all.
“I’m writing a book,” Shelby said matter-of-factly after a beat.
Orion blinked at her, jarred by the sudden change in conversation. “What?”
Shelby wrung her hands. Her eyes darted from side to side. She was nervous. Scared. “I’m writing a book,” she said. This time her voice was smaller.
Orion didn’t say anything, just waited.
“My therapist suggested I keep a diary,” Shelby said. “At first, I didn’t like it. Seeing everything on the page like that.” She shuddered. “I wanted to escape it all. Never see it again. But I guess . . .” She trailed off. “I had a little episode. That’s what Mom and Dad call it. It’s less scary, confronting, than a suicide attempt.”
That struck Orion. Not that she had done it—a cold, calculated part of her had expected it much sooner. She had not expected Shelby to survive her.
It struck her because she hadn’t known. She hadn’t heard anything about such things from Shelby, only those quotes and messages that she had gotten good at ignoring.
Guilt filled her up like rancid milk, curdling her stomach.
Shelby smiled, as if she were reading the thoughts on her face. “Yeah, I guess it doesn’t come as much of a surprise. I was always the weakest, wasn’t I? Not strong like you or Jac.” Her eyes went toward the patch of dirt. “But I guess it showed me I wanted to live. And that I didn’t want this to define me. This is going to follow us around for the rest of our lives, no matter what. So, I thought, why not have it follow me on my own terms, in my own words? I think I know now that putting it down on paper is the only way I’ll get past it. The only way I’ll be able to move on from it.”
Orion was shocked to say the least, at how articulate Shelby sounded. How stable and certain. If Orion were a betting woman, she would’ve said Shelby was going to be the first of them to crack, the first one six feet under. It had been that way in The Cell. Her grip on sanity was tenuous, and she had lost hold of it almost immediately upon entering The Cell.
But it made sense. Orion and Jaclyn held fast in The Cell—as much as one could expect—and couldn’t handle it out here, whereas Shelby was the opposite. She was a different, more unassuming type of brave, masquerading as weakness.
“I want to have a family, you know?” Shelby continued. “I want a life.” She blinked the tears away, looking upward at the moody sky. “A husband, kids, the white picket fence. All that nonsense. I want it. I want normalcy.”
“Yeah,” Orion whispered, knowing it was the one thing she’d never have. Shelby could never know her plans. Some part of her had been toying with the idea of forcing the knowledge on her, if only she could have a partner in this, maybe even be talked out of it. But hearing the naked hope in Shelby’s voice killed all of that.
Shelby squeezed her hand, looked behind them. “You seem to have a life waiting for you too, Orion.”
Orion followed her gaze. Eric was gone, but Maddox still stood there, legs splayed, breath coming out in visible puffs, watching them.
“That’s not a life,” Orion said, turning back. “That’s just the past not wanting to let go. Or him thinking he has some fucked up responsibility to me” She shrugged.
Shelby raised her brow. “Now I know I’m not an expert on love or men or anything really, but I’m not blind. He is not here out of duty. He’s here for you.”
“He doesn’t even know me,” Orion snapped.
Shelby didn’t flinch at her tone, harsh as it was. Another surprise. She looked at Orion, blank faced. “Then why don’t you go introduce yourself?”