She moved the wand around a bit more and then it was coming in loud and clear. The sound was hard to describe. It was fast, so fast, and loud. There was a strangely mechanical sort of quality to it, but I was guessing that was from the machine. But the longer it went on, the more I recognized it as something human.
“Is that…?” I asked, hardly daring to form the words.
“Yes indeed, that is your baby’s heartrate there. Strong and perfect for its current developmental level.”
I listened, and with every single thump, a strange emotion overcame me that I had zero words for. It was like the entire world fell away and there was only the life in front of me. All of the potential for this new and beautiful life stretched out before me, and I could see pretty much everything. The day they first learned to walk, their first big fall, their first holiday, their first day of school, their first love and their first heartbreak.
I saw love and happiness, tears and hurt, and most of all I saw everything that I had ever wanted in my life all coalesced into one being. It took my breath away while also making my heart swell to near painful levels.
“If both of you look at the screen, you can see it too. Here’s its little head, and that movement you see is your heart.”
I whipped my head towards the screen, watching as the white and black made a sketchy sort of image. Right then and there, I saw the first glimpse of my little baby.
“Oh… oh my goodness,” Nicole murmured, and I could hear the tears in her eyes. “That’s… that’s our baby.”
“That’s our baby,” I agreed. I wasn’t really much of a crier, but if I was, I would have right then and there. Although I obviously had known that a child was growing inside of her, it had been an abstract idea, one that was hung in limbo half a year in the future.
But now… now it was wholly rooted in reality. We were bringing a child into this world. Something vulnerable, perfect and wonderful.
“Can you tell what sex it is?”
“Unfortunately no, the position it’s in is not giving a clear view of its genitals, and it’s still a bit early. But we can check again at your next appointment.”
“That’s alright. I don’t mind. As long as its happy and healthy, then so am I. Right James?”
I nodded, unable to speak. I was still dealing with my entire world changing irreparably and I wasn’t quite prepared for human speech yet.
The doctor finished up and started shutting down the machine. She wiped a good amount of the goop off Nicole’s stomach before handing her a damp hand towel and an empty little container.
“Here you are if you want to clean yourself up a little more. And once you’re ready, bathroom is down the hall and to the right. I’ll need you to fill that up, put it in the little cabinet in there and you’ll be good to go next door for your blood test.”
“Thanks,” was all Nicole could say and I didn’t blame her one bit. Naturally this was just a run of the mill moment for the good doctor, but it was so much more to us. “See you in a month.”
“I better!”
And then the doctor was gone, leaving Nicole and us completely alone.
We just looked at each other for a long moment, eyes full of words that we couldn’t articulate. Something profound had just happened to us, and between us, and I was pretty sure we were both realizing there was no going back.
“Did that really just happen?” Nicole asked, laughing nervously.
“I think it did, but I’m still not entirely sure.”
We both laughed at that, and I stood, walking over to her. “Do you need any help cleaning up?”
“Nah, I got it,” she said, moving her hands as if she had completely forgotten than she had been given a towel and quickly wiping her belly. “I gotta keep some semblance of independency, don’t I?”
“I suppose.”
She finished up, but still her hand out for me to help her up. I did, and she slid to the ground. Grabbing the cup, she gave me a shaky sort of smile. “Well, I’m going to conclude this magical moment by going to pee in this little container. Sound good?”
“Sounds good.”
With that, she waddled off, leaving me alone with my thoughts. And what thoughts they were. My entire mind was scrubbed from all of the doubts I had been harboring. I knew, without a doubt, I needed this child in my life.
And that was all that mattered.
***
It didn’t take that long for her to finish up, but then we were heading next door and that did indeed take a considerable amount of time. When we finally did finish, it was well past lunch and I was fairly starving.