“Still no excuse for it.” Zack squeezes my thigh before adding in an apologetic voice, “I’m not judging, though. I’ve had my share of bad endings. Sometimes people change when things stop going according to plan. Their plan, anyway.”
“Right,” I say, nodding. “That’s what happened with Fernando. He couldn’t understand why my plan wasn’t matching up with his plan. It drove him crazy that I didn’t want to get married or that I’d even consider having a baby with him outside of a legal arrangement that would guarantee the baby had a father.”
Zack makes a dubious sound. “Your baby would have still had a father. Fernando would have been the father, whether you were married or not.”
“Exactly. Thank you.” I karate chop the air. “See, you get it.”
Zack shrugs. “Unless he fucked up and lost custody like my parents, he would have had every legal right and obligation that you did. No marriage necessary.”
It’s a perfect opening, so perfect that my heart races and my palms start to sweat.
I shouldn’t do this now.
This isn’t the time or the place.
I should wait until we’re at dinner, sharing a relaxing drink, and then spring it on him casually, reasonably.
Instead, I find myself blurting out, “Though we could have signed something before the baby was born to ensure he wasn’t legally obligated. I mean, that wouldn’t have worked with Fernando because he wanted a future with me, not just a fling or whatever, but some people do make other arrangements.” My tongue slips out to dampen my suddenly dry lips. “Say, for example, a woman desperately wanted to get pregnant, but the man she was casually sleeping with for a couple of weeks didn’t want a baby.”
Zack cuts a sharp look my way, making my heart slam even faster, but I force myself to keep going. I started this, so I might as well finish it and get all the insanity out at once. “There are documents those two people could sign to make sure the father never had to pay child support or be involved in the baby’s life in any way if he didn’t want to be. You can even make secrecy a part of the agreement, so the child will never be able to find out who his father is, no matter what.”
Zack glances my way, then back at the road.
My way, then back at the road.
My way, back at the road, until I’m on the verge of begging him to say something when finally, he asks in a stunned voice, “Are you serious?”
The hope flower in my chest shrivels, and its petals droop.
“I know, I’m crazy,” I mumble. “I’m sorry. I knew you’d think I was crazy. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just want to have a baby so badly, and I thought maybe you might…” I flip my hands over in my lap, palms up in silent supplication. “That this trip might be the perfect chance…” I shake my head, my breath rushing out. “But it’s way too much to ask, way too soon, and I’m… I understand if you want to call this off. You can drop me off at the next Greyhound station. I’ll take a bus home so you won’t lose any travel time, and when you get back from your trip, we’ll never speak of this again.”
Zack drags a hand through his hair, then brings it back to the wheel, but he doesn’t say a word—not a word—for so long that I risk a peek at him from the corner of my eye, surprised to find him looking remarkably…serene.
Judging by his profile, you would never think that he’d just been asked to make a baby with a near stranger.
I bite my lip, and when that threatens to fail me, I nibble the edge of my thumbnail, determined not to say anything wilder than I have already. If there’s even a chance he’s considering my suggestion—or just considering keeping me around for the fun time we planned—I don’t want to do anything to derail that.
Yes, I want to get pregnant, but I also want to kiss Zack again.
To do more than kiss Zack…
I swear, he gets more handsome with every passing mile. How have I never noticed the delectable way his biceps strain the seams of a T-shirt? Or the sexy veiny-ness of his forearms?
Yes, I’ve been in a serious relationship, but I’m not blind.
But then, when I’m in love, other men tend to go into soft focus. I’m still aware they’re there, of course, but they don’t capture my attention. When I’m in love, my man is the only one sharp around the edges.
As recently as a few days ago, my heart still belonged to Fernando, no matter how rough things were getting between us. My love blinders are just coming off. I’m in a vulnerable state. I should be taking time alone to heal or, at the very most, taking baby steps back into the dating world. Jumping into bed with someone else is almost certainly a bad idea.