Well, it’s why I’m going out of town. To have hot, heavy, drown-my-heartache sex with a handsome almost stranger. Do you hate me for missing your post-wedding party to bang a gorgeous man for two weeks?
* * *
Theodora: WHAT?! Of course not! Not even a little bit! Get you some, girl! With my blessings.
But you have to tell me more! Who is this almost stranger? Is he nice? Safe?
Do you have his background information, including full name, date of birth, last three counties of residence, and phone number? And can you please forward it to me before you leave town, so I’ll know where to start looking if you drop off the face of the earth?
I don’t want to scare you out of your sex fest, just make sure you’ve done your due diligence. Sadly, you can’t be too careful these days.
* * *
Colette: I know, but you don’t have to worry about this guy. I couldn’t be safer.
* * *
Theodora: Oh yeah? So who is it? Do I know him?
* * *
Colette: Um…yes, but I’d rather not say who it is. I’m sure we’ll have a fun trip, but there’s no future for the two of us. So it’s probably best to keep it all on the down-low to avoid unnecessary awkwardness later, you know?
* * *
Theodora: Oh my God, it’s Zack.
* * *
Colette: No, it’s not!
* * *
Theodora: Yes, it is! It so is!
* * *
Colette: Argh! You’re the worst! How do you read my mind like that? I mean, in person, I can sort of get it, but you can’t even see my face right now!
* * *
Theodora: I have a sixth sense when it comes to my best girls. You know that. And I’m so glad I do because I am SO ON BOARD with this! You and Zack would be the cutest couple!
* * *
Colette: We’re not going to be a couple, Theo. We’re going to bone and go our separate ways. I’m on the rebound, and he’s going through a lot of changes, and our lifestyles just aren’t compatible. We’re hooking up for a good time, not a long time.
* * *
Theodora: Whatever you say. I’ll have the china pattern and wedding invites picked out by the time you two get home.
* * *
Colette: *eye roll emoji* I’m serious. This is a friends-with-benefits situation, nothing more, and I’d appreciate it if you’d keep it between us. I know it’s weird to ask you to keep secrets from your husband, but I’m not sure how much of his personal life Zack wants to share with Cutter.
* * *
Theodora: Things with Zack and Cutter are definitely a little weird at the moment. But I’m hoping the situation will improve now that they won’t be working together twenty-four seven anymore. I hate that Zack’s left the band, but in the end, I think it’ll be good for him. And I can’t wait to hear his solo stuff! I’m sure it will be amazing.
He’s an all-around amazing person, and should this “casual” thing you two are doing turn into something more, I, for one, would be thrilled. And if not, it could still be a fantastic opportunity for you, my friend.
Not to stick my nose too far into your business, but you two would make some very pretty babies…
* * *
Colette: Theo! No way. I can’t ask him to do that! He’ll think I’m insane!
* * *
Theodora: No, he won’t! And you can’t fool me, Little Miss Innocent—you’ve already thought about it.
* * *
Colette: Okay, fine. I’ve THOUGHT about it. I can’t help what crazy, baby-obsessed thoughts race through my brain, but I’m still capable of controlling my actions.
* * *
Theodora: Explain the situation. Tell him how short you are on time and funds. He might surprise you.
* * *
Colette: I’m not discussing this any further with you.
* * *
Theodora: Good, because I’m not the one who matters. Talk to Zack, and then get down to baby-making business, mama. Aunty Theo needs an excuse to buy baby clothes!
* * *
Colette: You’re out of your mind.
* * *
Theodora: Except that I’m not. The next best thing to an anonymous sperm donor is a man so noble and above reproach that you’ll never have to worry about him making trouble in your baby’s life. Zack is that man! I’ve known him forever. Trust me. He is kind and good and honorable and a health nut who’s in incredible physical condition. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he has super-powered sperm capable of impregnating even the gimpiest of uteruses.
Uteri? What’s the plural of uterus?
* * *
Colette: Goodbye, psycho. My gimpy uterus and I will see you in two weeks.
* * *
Theodora: Just think about it, okay? What’s the worst that can happen? You ask and he says no, right? But what if he says yes?