Because I wasn’t capable of letting someone see – or especially help me clean up – my mess.
“So this is what my money is buying him,” I murmured when we turned into the neighborhood with one fully finished row of townhouses – show models – and about a dozen half-built ones.
“Not if we can help it, Jules,” Kai consoled, the optimism maybe somehow grating on my nerves. Because, sometimes, you just wanted to hear someone say You know what? You’re right. This sucks. Then again, I was in the midst of some existential crisis. I wasn’t thinking like I might normally. Because normal me would be plotting, planning, making lists, breaking down a bigger, seemingly impossible problem into smaller, easier to handle pieces. Certainly not sitting in the passenger seat just watching the world pass by me.
I didn’t know who this me was, but I couldn’t seem to shake her.
“I think this is the office,” Kai said, pulling up to a trailer with a trio of cars to the side, and a sign that said Open on the door.
“What’s the plan?” I heard myself ask.
“We look for who is in charge. Then ask him about Gary.”
I didn’t question him, didn’t demand more details. Like who we would say we were. Why we would say we were looking for Gary.
I just climbed out of the Jeep, followed Kai in, and let him do the talking.
Again, not like me.
I liked to be in charge.
I liked knowing that my fate was all in my hands.
Maybe I just didn’t have the energy.
Maybe I simply trusted Kai.
But whatever the reason, I stood by at Kai’s side as he spoke to the woman – named Abby – who was around my age, sitting at the desk with long coffin nails in a bright purple color that I couldn’t seem to look away from.
And I said nothing.
As we were informed that we had just missed the manager, Ron, and that he wouldn’t be back until the following day.
Kai said something with that smile of his that had the girl going from professional friendly to flirtatious, giving me another glimpse of how he was good at his job.
“We’ll come back tomorrow,” I interjected, not even caring that I was cutting Kai’s sentence off, my voice a little sharp. “Are you ready to go?” I asked, making Kai’s brows draw together, trying to read my reaction.
I didn’t think he would have much luck.
Since I didn’t understand it myself.
I certainly didn’t know what made me reach for his hand again. But I did it. And started pulling him with me toward the door.
“We’ll see you tomorrow,” I called to the girl at the desk before pulling Kai outside, dragging him with me back to his Jeep.
“Jules,” Kai called, reaching out with his suddenly free hand as I reached for the handle, pressing it into the door, holding it closed, forcing me to turn back to him. “Take a breath,” he demanded, surprising me, making me realize I had barely been doing so for several long moments. He waited, watching me suck in a deep breath, then release it slowly. “Okay. Now, what is going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re… not acting like yourself.”
“You barely know me,” I declared, lips spilling the lie like venom, wanting it out of me and onto him, no matter how unfair that was.
“Okay,” he said, nodding. “Do you want to come back here tomorrow?”
“It’s the only lead we have.”
“Alright,” he agreed, something in his tone that I was sure I hadn’t heard there before, something that was akin to frustration. But that seemed unlikely. The only time I had ever seen him frustrated was that one night he came into the office roughed up. “Do you want to head back to Navesink Bank, and drive up here tomorrow, or get rooms?”
There would go a few hundred I really could use to save.
But it was stupid to drive two and a half hours back to Navesink Bank.
Besides, I wasn’t sure I was ready to go back to my apartment, to face all the falsehoods I would find within those walls.
I just didn’t have it in me.
As much as that bruised my ego to admit even just to myself.
“It’s probably smart to stay around here,” I told Kai. “You want me to look…” I started, so used to doing their research for everyone at the office that I automatically reached for my phone.
“I got it,” he told me, opening the door, letting me in while he reached for his own cell. “Only one in the area,” he declared, climbing into his seat, tossing the phone into the cupholder.
And with nothing else, he drove us out of the half-built development and to the hotel.
Saying nothing.
I would never accuse Kai of being annoyingly chatty, but he usually had something to say, some way of keeping a conversation going. Even in awkward and tense situations. Which this was more and more feeling like, to be perfectly honest.