When I exited the boutique, I did not head to Uni, instead I pulled my phone out and called Ella.
“So, did you speak to your mom about dropping out?”
“I didn’t,” I responded. “There was no need.”
Her voice became quiet. “Why?”
“We’re not going to lose anything more, Ella. I’m not dropping out of Uni, and she is not going to lose her shop or the apartment either. I’m going to participate in the virginity auction.”
“Uh, actually, I don’t think that’s a good idea, Freya. I was annoyed with myself today. It was so stupid of me to even bring that topic up last night. You’re not like that and you shouldn’t have to do things that you will regret for the rest of your—”
“Ella …” I stopped her in her tracks, “… my mom went down on her knees today. She knelt down and pleaded with some fucking bitch close to our age who wanted to seize some of her stock because she hadn’t been paid. This is now beyond my going to Uni. I’d rather die than watch my mother lose her dignity that way again.”
“What about her? Will she be okay with the way you're about to lose yours?”
“That’s not my dignity,” I argued stubbornly. “My dignity is in my ability to care for my mother.”
“Freya, you don’t have to—”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this to me right now. When your mother went to jail, you dropped out of school to support your entire family. “
“That’s dropping out, I didn’t sell myself to some fat, old billionaire.”
“Ella, I’m going to do what I have to do. My mind is made up.”
“There’s no billionaire club. I lied.”
I stopped in my tracks. For a few seconds neither of us spoke, then I yelled my frustration into the phone, “Fuck you, Ella! This is my damn life and I want to make my own choices.”
“I won’t forgive myself if this goes awry, Freya … if this damages you.”
“I won’t forgive you if we lose everything,” I growled. “If once again, my mother has to get on her knees to save our lives, I won’t forgive you. And if she breaks and does something stupid, that’ll be her blood on your hands. Send me your friend’s number right now.”
Freya
And with that I ended the call. My breaths were coming in short spurts, my heart thumping in my chest, and my hands were shaking from everything that had happened. I felt bad, I had never spoken to Ella like that before, and I hoped she would forgive me. I looked around then and saw a bench. Walking over, I perched at the edge and tried my very best to settle my swirling mind. Anxiety had slowly crept into my life over the last year and remained.
I shut my eyes and thought of my father. His smile. His lofty pride. He’d loved us, but he loved himself just a bit more. He spent all that money and left my mother unprotected. For that, the bitterness towards him remained in my heart.
My mother and I would not have been in this state if he had only paid for an insurance scheme. Our hearts would not have been so broken, and we would not have been thrust into this pit of humiliation with no means of escape in sight.
My eyes opened.
Until now, I corrected. No means of escape … until now.
I watched the world go by, the babies in strollers, office workers carrying their lunch with them; the pigeons pecking at the ground, then flying off without a care in the world. I would have given anything to be one of them.
The buzz of my phone startled me. I didn’t expect a response so soon. Ella had sent a message with her friend’s phone number. I stilled my heart, then unlocked my phone to access it.
I didn’t allow myself to think. Only when the number was already dialing did I realize I hadn’t even mapped out what to say.
It was answered after a few rings.
“Hello?” a smooth male’s voice came through.
I did not expect a man and for a second I almost ended the call, but I gripped the phone hard and went for it. “Hello,” I began, “I was given this number by a friend of mine.” At that moment, an elderly woman joined me on the bench so I quickly rose and began to walk away.
“Yes?” The voice went on. “How can I help you?”
“Um I’m interested in the – uh … the sale? I mean the auction.”
“Could you please clarify which service—”
“The virginity auction,” I blurted out.
“Ah … right,” he responded as though I was doing nothing more significant than ordering a takeout. “Send a selfie of yourself to this number, and we’ll proceed from there.”
“Okay,” I responded and the call was abruptly disconnected.
For a while, I could only stare blankly at my phone, then a text message came through startling me out of my daze. Nerves rattled, I immediately clicked into action and looked through my phone. I was filled with a sinking feeling that I didn't have even a half-decent picture of myself to send.
Over the last year, I hadn’t taken many pictures of myself. It had been a bad time in my life, filled with moments I most definitely did not want to capture. I turned on the camera hoping perhaps my current state would be passable, but upon the self view of my makeup free white face, and my windblown mess of a ponytail, I knew I couldn’t send that.