The vehemence in his voice was reassuring. And she knew. She knew all of this logically. If there was one thing in this world she was sure of was that they’d always protect her and she really didn’t have to be afraid. But sometimes logic was so simple. Sometimes fear overran all else. Even common sense.
She swallowed hard and then turned so she could see the others. Seth was staring at her, his blue eyes fierce, but he waited. Tense. Stiff. As if he feared what it was she had to say.
She’d made such a muck of this. Because of her fears, she’d made them afraid.
This wasn’t the way it should have happened. She should have made a special dinner. Should have asked them how their day went. Snuggled on the couch. Gone to bed, made love, and in the aftermath told them that they were going to be fathers.
And now there was no escape. No do-overs. No way she could pretend nothing was wrong and then plan the big moment for the next night. She’d utterly ruined everything and it was too late to salvage the mess she’d made.
“Talk to us, Lily,” Seth pleaded. “
We don’t like to see you unhappy. Is it …” He broke off, rubbed the back of his neck with his palm. Then he dropped his hand and stared back at her with tortured eyes. “Is it us? Are you no longer happy with the arrangement we have?”
Her mouth dropped open in shock. “What? No!” Oh God. It was what they all believed. She’d done this. Made them doubt her commitment because they’d noticed her unhappiness and her distance.
She closed her eyes. “I’m pregnant. ”
It came out barely a whisper, the words so final. When she opened her eyes, they were staring at her in total surprise.
The multitude of emotions that registered on their faces was hard to track. There was relief. They’d obviously expected something far worse. There was uncertainty, as if they weren’t sure they could express their happiness over such news. And there was worry and fear because they knew that of all things, she feared having another child the most.
Seth blew out his breath and wiped a hand over his mouth. He was always, or at least usually, so self-assured. As sheriff he had to be, and he always knew what to say. But now he seemed, for lack of a better word, lost.
Michael looked shell-shocked, and for the first time she realized how just blurting out such news had affected them. Damn it, but she’d just ruined what should have been a special moment. Perhaps one of the most special moments of their lives. She knew how badly they wanted children. A large family like they’d grown up in. They’d been patient and understanding with her fears. They’d never pushed her. Not once. They’d been willing to wait as long as she needed, or to forego having children altogether if that was her wish.
But deep down, she’d known how much they wanted their own family.
Now she’d made a complete and utter mess and she was horrified by her selfishness.
Tears stung her eyes and she put a hand to her mouth to stifle the sob choking her. They’d done so much to make her happy, and she couldn’t even give them this one thing without making it sound like the end of the world?
“I’m so sorry,” she said in agony. “You didn’t deserve this. Not this way. ”
“Lily,” Dillon began.
She shut him out. For the first time she could ever remember, she purposely turned away, closing herself off from her husbands.
She hurried toward the back, wanting—needing—fresh air. To be able to breathe around the huge knot in her throat. So that maybe she wouldn’t dissolve into tears or completely break down and lose what little composure she had left.
The cold was a slap in the face, but it was what she needed. Her boots, haphazardly shoved onto her feet, were awkward as she trekked through the snow toward her bench.
She really had no idea where she was going. Or she did, but knew it was no escape. She was so angry at herself for doing this to them.
Of all the ways to tell them that they were going to have a son or daughter, this wasn’t one she’d wanted. They would forever associate their firstborn with their mother freaking out and being a selfish twit. Not exactly what she’d want to put into a scrapbook or memory book.
She sank onto the bench and bowed her head, covering her face with her hands.
Almost immediately, warm, strong hands slid over her shoulders. Seth and Michael settled onto the bench next to her while Dillon crouched in front of her. He gently pried her hands away from her face, his expression warm and loving.
“I’m so sorry,” she choked out.
“What for? For being human and being scared?” Dillon asked quietly. “Lily, you don’t have to put on a brave front with us. You don’t have to pretend. ”
Michael smoothed a hand over her hair and then leaned in to press a kiss to the top of her head. On her other side, Seth slid his hand over hers and laced their fingers together.
“How do you feel about it?” Seth asked softly.
“Scared,” she admitted. It felt good to say it out loud. To get it out there. “It caught me off guard. I wasn’t prepared and so when I learned that I was for sure pregnant, all the grief over Rose just came back. All the old fears. For a while I was back there in that time, feeling just as I felt then. Exhausted, helpless, alone. Oh God, I don’t want to ever feel that way again. ”
Michael pulled her back into his arms and she laid her head back against his chest while Seth still held tightly to her hand. “I’m sorry, Lily. We were so careful, or we tried to be. You have to know we wouldn’t have you feel this way for anything in the world. We just want you to be happy, and if that meant never having a child, we were okay with that. ”
She appreciated the sentiment, but she was beyond the what-ifs now. She didn’t have the luxury of imagining or weighing whether she ever wanted to have another child or not. It was here. Her reality. She was pregnant, and she’d never ever do anything to change that fact.
“I want this baby,” she said quietly, fiercely. “I’m scared out of my mind, but I want it. I love him or her already. ”
A shiver stole over her. Dillon peeled off his coat and arranged it around her body so she would have it and Michael’s body for warmth.