Chapter 7
Nova
December 11, day forty-three in the real world
"God, the last couple of days have been kind of downers," I say to my camera phone as I leave campus building and hike across the campus yard, the leafless trees creating shadows over the screen as I walk beneath the branches. "I just finished up my film class for the semester, and turned in my film project. My professor asked me if I was interested in being part of his project. I told him I wasn't sure. When he asked why, it took me a second to answer because what I really wanted to say was, 'I do want to go. So, so, badly. Please let me be part of this.' But instead I told him it was complicated. Which was my way of saying without having to say that I have people here who need me and who I worry about. He gave me the information and told me to think about it."
I stop talking for a moment as a guy runs by to catch a Frisbee and I have to dodge to the side to avoid being run over. "But anyway," I say, smoothing my wind-kissed hair into place, "I can barely focus on if I should go because I have so many things on my mind. The biggest one is Delilah. I can't get her out of my head. I'm not even sure why. It's not like she's dead." I pull the collar of my coat over my mouth because it's colder than a Popsicle today. "But I keep thinking about the fire and the gunshot and how Dylan had a gun. I think about the few conversations we had in Vegas. How different she was from the girl I first met, how bitchy she was. How broken. Then there's Dylan. I'd disliked him from the first time I met him, but I never did much but occasionally express that I didn't like him. That's it." I stop talking as I reach the busy sidewalk where students walk to and from class. There are usually more people, but most of the classes have ended. "I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but Lea's been busy with her secret stuff and Tristan and Quinton both get uncomfortable whenever I talk about it, so I always drop it because I hate pushing them... still, it'd be nice if just once I could call up Quinton and pour my heart and soul out to him." I sigh and then decide to end the recording there, because it's only bumming me out more.
I'm putting my camera phone into my bag, figuring I'll wait until I get home before I start chattering away to it, when someone comes running up to my side. My body goes rigid as their body lines up with mine and an arm goes around my shoulder. Out of reflex I'm about to smack them away, but they catch my arm in midair.
Tristan starts laughing and I shake my head, breathing profusely. "Holy crap. You scared the living daylights out of me," I gasp.
"Sorry," he says, pressing his frozen lips together. They're outlined with a bit of blue. He has a hat on, pulled low on his head, and his coat is zipped up to his chin. "I yelled your name, but you were talking to yourself and didn't hear me, I guess."
"I wasn't talking to myself." I tuck my hands into my pockets, trying to ignore that he's still got his arm around me. "I was recording."
"You really get into that stuff, don't you?" He blows on his free hand, trying to warm it up.
"Yeah, I guess." I round the corner and then step off the curb to cross the street.
"So what were you recording about?" he asks, glancing over his shoulder as someone hollers out, "Yo, Tristan!"
"I..." I stop in the middle of the road and turn around with him, because he doesn't let go of me, and he stares at a lanky guy with brown hair who's wearing a bright-yellow coat. The guy is walking toward us and he's got this look on his face that I can't quite place. Like he's about to start some trouble and is glad about it, maybe.
"Hey man," the guy says to Tristan with a chin nod. "You bailed so quickly after class I didn't get a chance to discuss that thing we were talking about."
I feel Tristan tense beside me and his arm suddenly falls to his side as he puts some space between us. "Yeah, I actually have a doctor's appointment so I have to hurry my ass up."
"You do?" I say, relieved he's finally going to go get himself checked out. His cough's gone away, but he's been extra tired lately and it has me worried.
Tristan nods, glancing at me and then back at yellow coat guy. "Can I catch up with you later, man?" he asks edgily.
"Sure, but we're still doing that thing, right?" the guy asks, discreetly glancing at me, then pressing a look at Tristan.
"Yeah, sure, of course," Tristan replies nonchalantly.
The guy looks at me again with a wary expression on his face and it feels like he's trying to read my vibe or something. "You cool?" he asks me.
I know he's asking if I'm cool with drugs, which makes me want to shove Tristan down and beat some sense into him.
"Hey, let's talk later, okay?" Tristan says through gritted teeth.
The guy nods, shuffling back onto the sidewalk, his eyes fastened on me until he turns around near the trees in the campus yard. Tristan hurries and grabs my sleeve to pull me out of the way as a car rounds the corner a little too fast.
After I get safely onto the sidewalk and start heading toward the apartment again, I ask, "So who was that?"
He shrugs, putting his hands in his coat pockets. "His name's Jazz. He's in my philosophy class."
"Jazz? That's an interesting name."
"About as interesting as Nova." He playfully prods my side with his elbow.
The ice on the ground crunches under my shoes as I walk quietly with my head down, deliberating if I want to ask him, if I want to take a risk that I might be wrong and piss him off. But I need to know, so...
"What did he mean by if I was cool?" I ask, even though I know. I'm hoping I'm wrong, though.
Tristan doesn't answer right away. "Nothing. Jazz is just weird like that."
I'm not buying it at all. "Tristan, you're not..." I blow out a stressed breath and then tip my chin up to meet his eyes. "You're not thinking about doing drugs, are you?" I search his eyes for a sign that he might be doing them already, but they look clear, haze-free, although they do carry a little annoyance.
"Wow, I'm glad you have so much faith in me," he says, his tone as sharp as the icicles dangling from the rain gutters on the houses around us.
"I do have faith in you," I try to assure him. "It's just that that Jazz guy and you seemed to be... I don't know... talking in code."
"That's just how he is." Tristan steps to the side, moving away from me. "Jesus, Nova, I can't believe you're accusing me of anything. I've been good, you know, despite how fucking boring as shit this normal stuff is."
That right there is what makes me nervous. The fact that he thinks normal life is boring--that he's bored.
"I'm sorry," I say, feeling bad, but also really concerned. "I just worry about you--about everyone, really. And I've been really stressed out over this Delilah thing."
He glances at me from the corner of his eyes. "Why are you worried about Delilah?"
"I told you already, because she's missing," I reply, hopping over a patch of snow blocking the entry to the apartment complex. "And because of how things were the last time I saw her."
"But you weren't friends with her anymore, really. I mean, not since she moved to Vegas and you barely talked to her."
"We were once, though, and I still care about her." I try to explain how I feel, but I can tell he doesn't get it.
"I'm sure she'll be okay," he says unconvincingly. "Disappearing is just part of the life of a crackhead, mainly because we'll do anything and go anywhere to get our next bump." He gazes off into the distance as if he's remembering his time spent in that world. "It's all that matters to us."
"Don't say us." I loop my arm through his to bring his attention back to reality. "You're not part of that group anymore."
He nods, but there's something in his eyes I don't like. "Yeah, I know."
"And you're going to stay away from that group, right?" I ask as we hike across the parking lot and to the sidewalk.
"Of course, Mother." He flashes me a grin, breaking the tension between us. "So, Mom, can you give me a ride to the doctor's later today?"
"Why yes, Son," I joke back, and then stick out my tongue. "You know,
I should take it offensively that you call me Mom all the time when you don't like your mom very much."
"It's not that I don't like her," he says, stopping as we reach the doorway to the stair entrance of our apartment. "It's that my parents don't like me."
"How do you figure?" I ask as he opens the door and I step inside, slipping my arm out of his.
He shrugs, the door slamming shut behind us. "Basic observation." We start up the stairs side by side. "Like for instance how they completely and utterly ignored me after Ryder died."
"I'm sure they didn't ignore you," I tell him. "They were probably just distracted by their own pain, like my mom was right after my dad died."
"Well, distracted or ignored, it was still hard, you know. I mean, it was like I was a ghost, and trust me, I tried to do everything to get their attention. Rebelled. Let my grades drop." He pauses as we approach the second floor. "Did drugs."
"Is that why you started?" I open the door and enter the hallway lined with numbered doors.
He shakes his head, following me down the hall. "Nah. I started getting high when I was fourteen. I just started doing more drugs after Ryder died and was a little more obvious about using." He fidgets uncomfortably, tucking his hands up into his sleeves. "I guess you could say I pretty much stopped caring about stuff, just like they did."
"Tristan, that's so sad, but I guess I sort of get it--how easy it is to stop caring."
"Yeah, it really, really is."
We pause in the middle of the hallway. I don't know about him, but my thoughts drift off to my past and how I stopped caring about everything at one point. Finally, after we stand there long enough that it starts to get weird, I blink myself out of my daze.
"Well, don't stop caring ever again," I say, waving my finger at him sternly. "Or else you'll be grounded."
"Got it," he says with a smile and then shocks the bejesus out of me when he leans forward and presses a kiss to my forehead. "I have no idea what I'd do without you," he says, heading for the door to our apartment, leaving me standing there with my jaw hanging to my knees. "You can always get me to smile when I feel shitty."
I let out a nervous laugh as he unlocks the door and then pushes it open, stepping aside to let me enter first. I don't really say much to him after that, telling him I'm going to go call my mom before I have to take him to the doctor. He easily lets me go, sitting down on the sofa to watch some television.
After I get into my room and shut the door, I let out a breath of relief. "I'm getting in over my head," I mutter to myself, pressing my hand to my forehead. "I really am and I have no idea how to fix it."
I slide to the ground and stare at the wall, wishing I could just walk out there and tell Tristan we should just be friends and to stop the flirting. And that he'd understand. Then I'd get a phone call from Delilah's mother and she'd tell me she found her and that Delilah was okay.
"I just want everything to be okay," I whisper, taking a deep breath and then another, wishing I had someone to talk to about my problems. I briefly consider calling Quinton and just letting it all out, like I've been wanting to, but I know I can't overwhelm him like that, so all I can do is tell myself that everything's going to be okay.
It has to be.
Chapter 8
December 22, day fifty-four in the real world
Nova
Things have been getting really unbalanced in my life. My mom informed me that Delilah's mother needs help looking for her daughter and that she's going to help her. I'm not even sure why my mother is helping, but she said it was because Delilah's mom asked, after the two of them ran into each other at the store. They aren't really friends or anything but I guess Miss Pierce hasn't been doing that well lately and kind of broke down about Delilah and also revealed that she's been having health problems. Maybe that's why she suddenly decided to start searching for her daughter after all this time.
I told my mom what Quinton told me about the fire, the gun, and the gunshot. She said for me not to worry about it. That she had a feeling everything was going to turn out okay, but she always says that, mostly because she worries I'm going to break apart anytime life gets hard. But I've never really given her much of a reason to think otherwise.
Then there's Tristan. Heavy sigh. Tristan is a huge complication at the moment. He's been acting really weird, although his health has been improving. He actually had some sort of infection and had to be put on antibiotics. The doctor said he has a really weak immune system and I got the impression that he suspected something more serious, but I'm not sure what exactly. I have some guesses that involve him doing drugs again, but he doesn't show signs of it, at least when it comes to track marks and red rings around his nostrils. He's been really nice lately, too, and if I've learned anything it's that Tristan is an ass when he's high.
Still, overly nice Tristan is making things slightly complicated. I'm actually starting to loathe being at my apartment, worried he's going to finally actually try to kiss me, and I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do. I've been spending extra time at work and at the hotline center because of this, but I can't stay away from my home forever.
It's late when I get home and as I head up the stairway to my apartment, I find myself dreading going inside. I have a few sacks of Christmas presents in my hands. I've always been a last-minute shopper, which probably seems a little strange to some people since I have OCD and like order. It's mostly because I hate the busyness of the stores. I shopped online for most stuff, but Lea dropped a hint the other day that she wanted a vintage Pink Floyd record, so I had to run to the music store downtown and try to find one. Lucky one of my band members works there and was able to track one down.
When I get to my apartment, I stick my head in, instantly catching a scent of cigarettes. "Lea?" I call out. "Tristan?"
"Lea's not here," Tristan replies and I hear something banging around.
I push the door open and walk in, slipping off my coat as I enter the living room. Then I stop dead in my tracks at the sight of Tristan hurrying to turn the television on while Jazz quickly stuffs something into the pocket of his yellow coat, a faint trail of smoke lingering in the air. I know what pot smells like and that's definitely not the scent of pot. Still, the situation seems a little bit sketchy to me with how nervous they're acting.
"Hey, Nova," Tristan says casually as he sits back in the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table with the remote in his hand.
"Hey," I reply, glancing back and forth between the two of them. "What's up?"
Tristan shrugs as he aims the remote at the television. "Nothing much. Jazz and I were just hanging out. Being bored and shit."
Jazz looks at Tristan, then smiles at me as he puts on a beanie. "Yeah, just fighting the boredom of the potato state." He gets to his feet, running his hands across the front of his coat like he's smoothing the wrinkles out of it. "I'll check you later, man," he says to Tristan and brushes past me and out the door without so much as an introduction.
As soon as the door shuts, I target my attention on Tristan. "So what was that about?"
He shrugs, pretending to be fixated by the news on the television screen. "Nothing much. We were just hanging."
I don't believe him. "You guys were acting a little weird," I point out as I set the presents down on the coffee table.
"Weird how?"
I shrug, setting my coat on the coffee table, eyeing his arms for signs he's been shooting up, but he looks clean and honestly I don't think that's what was going on here. Still, something's off. I can feel it in the air.
"Tristan, you're not... I mean, you're not doing..." I scratch my tattoo as I inch up to his side, wondering if accusing him is the right thing to do. I know if my mom had accused me back when I was getting high I would have either lied or gotten pissed. But I also feel like just letting it go means I'm not caring. "You're not doing drugs again, are you?"
His expression hardens as he glares up at me. "Is that what you think? That I'm sittin
g here getting high?" He spreads his arms to his sides and glances around the clean living room. "Does it look like that's what I've been doing?"
I shake my head, but something still doesn't feel right. "No, but I saw that Jazz guy put something into his pocket."
Tristan gets a confused look, like he has no clue what I'm referring to, but the realization crosses his face. "Oh, that was his lighter. He was going to smoke in here, but I told him to put it away," he explains.
I fan my hand in front of my face. "It smells like he did."
He presses his lips together, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "Fine. If you want to know what's up, then yes, he smoked in here. Sorry for breaking the rules." He's mad at me and I open my mouth to say... well, I don't know, but he reaches forward and threads one of his fingers through the belt loop of my jeans, pulling me toward him. His anger turns to dead seriousness as he looks me straight in the eye. "Nova, I swear to you that I'm not doing drugs."
I study him, something still off, but ultimately I nod. "All right, I'm sorry for accusing."
"I forgive you, but only if you'll watch a movie with me." He yanks on my belt loop and pulls me forward until I stumble onto the couch beside him, pretty much landing on his lap.
I start to move off him, but he yanks me back so I am sitting on his lap. My lips part and my eyes widen as he snakes his arms around me, the scent of cigarette smoke and his cologne surrounding me. "Tristan, I--"
It's at this moment that Lea decides to stroll into the house. As she shuts the door behind her and turns to face us, her expression changes from elated to shocked.
"Holy hell." She takes in the sight of us and her jaw nearly drops to her knees.
I press her with a look, begging her not to say anything to make the situation worse. Help me, I mouth.
She takes the hint and then, being the awesome friend that she is, says, "Nova, can I talk to you in my room for a minute?"
I gratefully nod and then get up from Tristan's lap like it's on fire. Then Lea and I leave the living room with Tristan giving us a weird look as we duck down the hallway. Once we're in Lea's room and the door is closed, she spins toward me with her hands on her hips. "Holy shit."