He didn’t wipe it away.
He just watched me, waiting for more.
And there was more.
With us, it seemed there was always more.
“I planned on telling everyone…after the honeymoon,” I continued. “I would be exactly twelve weeks then, and I wasn’t really showing. Craig didn’t notice, apart from a comment about me eating more donuts than usual. I should’ve taken more notice as to why he wanted the wedding to happen so quickly. Not because of him loving me and wanting to marry me as soon as possible.” I laughed. “No, because there was only so long he could keep up the act. The human mask itches the monster underneath. But I was distracted. I’m always distracted about something. But this time I was distracted about the fact I was going to be a mother. I was growing a baby inside of me. And I didn’t let myself think of you and what could’ve been because I felt like I was betraying that little life that had become more important than anything else in the world to me. It was her peace that I had to think about not my own. I thought I was making the right decision. But I was wrong.”
I sucked in a raspy breath.
“That day, right before the wedding,” I began.
“Fuck, Polly,” Heath started to argue.
“No, I need to finish,” I said. “Standing in my wedding dress, chosen for another man, with that same man’s baby inside of me, I was close. I don’t like to say how close I was to giving up my baby’s peace for you. But I couldn’t do that. You’re a good man, Heath, despite what you think. Good enough to raise another man’s baby if it came to that…”
“It fuckin’ would’ve come to that,” he growled, cupping my face. “Anything grown inside of you, half of you, I would’ve loved it with all of me.”
Another tear trailed down my cheek.
More pain.
“You know what I said about ifs,” I whispered. “They’re dangerous. Fatal. Especially since there’s more.” I steeled myself. “I lost my baby exactly one day into my honeymoon. Not the best way to start married life. Craig was understanding, kind, of course. Took care of me. But now with hindsight, there were moments that he was…irritated with it all. But I was too deep in sorrow to care I guess. I don’t know. It was blurry. But what the doctors told me after wasn’t. That I likely would never conceive naturally again. That I’d never carry to term, even if I could. That I would never be able to give the gift my parents gave me to a child of my own.”
I let the words sink into the air. They were heavy. I knew this since I’d been carrying them around with me.
Dragging them with bloodied and broken fingers.
“I decided I didn’t want to tell anyone. Craig agreed. He said he didn’t want kids anyway, so it was okay with him. Okay. Me literally losing my baby and any possibility of another one.”
Okay.
I remembered hating him in that split second.
Absolutely despising him.
But I let go of that because I had to.
“I made myself okay. Because there was no other choice. I couldn’t say it out loud, Heath.”
I sucked in air and it raked down my throat like broken glass.
“I physically couldn’t reproduce the sound of my dreams shattering in that cold and no-nonsense tone like the doctor did. I couldn’t spread the utter agony and loss around my family like a plague. So I kept it. Let it infect me. Because I knew I’d survive it. Because I managed to do things like breathe and blink and walk after they told me. Then I managed to pretend to smile. Laugh like I almost meant it. Throw myself into life with Craig that was so different than how I expected.”
I blinked to glimpse into the past. “Sometimes it was nice. Good, maybe. And then I remembered that I did love him, so I made excuses for those cold looks, those strange and cruel comments that I didn’t understand, and he apologized for later. I made excuses right up until his fist in my face was too big of a thing to excuse…and you know the rest.”
That was a lie. Even telling the ugliest and painful truth I’d been nurturing for two years, there was the ugly, decaying lump of truth inside of me that I couldn’t purge right now.
Couldn’t purge ever.
Heath didn’t speak.
He was still holding me, frozen in the pain from my words. Likely torturing himself for one reason or another.
For me.
“You want kids,” I said, more than a whisper. Barely. “You told me that. You want to make a family you never had. You deserve to make the most beautiful family there ever was. You deserve a son with your courage, bone structure, and strength. A daughter with your eyes and your heart. I can’t give you that, Heath. I can’t give you the one thing you want above all else.”