I found another yawning gap in my knowledge of the person who had consumed my mind and heart for so long. I did not know what lurked in those pockets of silence. When he just stared, silent, intense. Was something yanking at him? Something from before? Something horrible I couldn’t fathom? Couldn’t imagine, let alone live through?
I found myself utterly desperate to pry open his brain and dive into that darkness I knew I couldn’t handle. That I knew would wreck me. For the simple fact it might close that gap between us. I wanted to live his horror so I could find a way to give him peace.
But there was no way to pry open a human being’s memories without doing damage to them. And I would not do any more damage to Heath. Not even for my own peace.
Especially not for my own.
Heath yanked me closer to him, brows furrowed slightly as if he could read my thoughts the way I wished I could read his.
His hands fastened on either side of my neck. “I don’t know about all of that, baby,” he murmured. “Know my love for you has survived a lot and it sure as shit hasn’t made it through everything just to die when I’ve finally brought it to life.” His eyes searched mine. “But even if you are right, I’ll fall in love with you all over again. I’ll learn about what’s changed in you, I’ll make sure there’s never a moment when you don’t remember that the past is nothing but the past and our future is together.”
I blinked. “You love me?”
He blinked back. “Come on, babe. Everything we’ve been through, everything you see in me? You can’t see that?” In the midst of this moment, Heath’s voice held a hint of teasing.
“We’ve never said it to each other,” I whispered.
He narrowed his eyes. “Yes, we have.”
And I knew what he meant. That every look, every fight, every moment from the night in the bar was saturated with it. It didn’t make sense. To love someone after a collection of chaotic moments.
But with me, wasn’t my life just a series of chaotic moments?
But wasn’t love supposed to bring you peace?
“Love doesn’t have to be peaceful to bring you peace,” he murmured, showing me I’d said that last thought aloud.
Heath laid his lips gently to mine.
And I wasn’t overcome with fear, panic, and revulsion. All that was there, of course, but not as overwhelming as before.
“I’m not going anywhere, Sunshine,” he promised. “’Cause I’m looking for peace in your chaos too.”
Chapter Eighteen
I came out of my room and was no longer surprised to see Lucy and Keltan standing there bickering over the harm it would do Lucy to have one sip of coffee.
“Not happenin’,” Keltan said, folding his arms.
And of course, he thought the subject was closed, because these males—still after being married to women like Lucy and Rosie—thought that a firm tone and a crossing of muscled arms somehow cemented a decision.
“Fine,” Lucy said, and I blinked in surprise.
Maybe pregnancy had finally mellowed her.
And we had approximately six weeks to enjoy that mellowness.
“I’ll just have a glass of wine at dinner.” She folded her own arms, albeit awkwardly since her protruding belly was in the way.
Or maybe she wasn’t mellow. Like at all.
“How in the fuck do you go from thinking one sip of coffee won’t hurt the baby to one glass of wine?” he demanded.
“Well, the baby’s already grown, so I’m sure it’s fine anyway. It’s really just…marinating. But you will get hurt if you keep this up, buddy.”
I could’ve watched this forever. It made me warm in places that were now almost always cold. Reminded me of the reasons not to let it win. The darkness. Because of my sister. Because of her happiness. And that little baby.
I wanted to watch it forever and warm myself up in front of their lives and pretend for as long as I could that my coldness wouldn’t come back as soon as I stopped watching.
But I couldn’t pretend around someone like Keltan.
“Polly,” he said, yanking Lucy to his side and kissing the top of her head. His palm settled protectively over her belly.
She scowled at him but relaxed into his arms.
I braced myself for her smile. Because it was forced, full of sadness. It was ice water to my bones. Lucy didn’t know she was doing it. It would break her heart if she did. It was a smile she put on for me because she was scared I couldn’t handle anything else from her. I was still to be treated with kid gloves and Polly gloves.
It hit me when her eyes dimmed a little, losing the brightness they’d had moments ago.
It hit me. Right in the chest. But it wasn’t hard since there was a constant gaping and bleeding hole right above where my heart should be. Despite the beautiful words and promises Heath made last night. Despite the fact I fell asleep in his arms and woke up to his lips on my forehead and him murmuring goodbye, promising to see me soon.