I accepted their pledges and dismissed them. No caste would be welcome in the royal palace until some time elapsed and I sent my spies to test their loyalty. There might be more chaos on the horizon, more structural reorganization necessary before I could be content with the strength of my rule in the city.
Heartsblood, the Imaron knight, came last. He was a little smaller than Greydusk, but otherwise indistinguishable apart from the aura of tangible power he radiated. “You have shown my caste great honor,” he said in greeting.
He dropped to his knees without being asked. I read fear in his alien face and a silent question. Greydusk had been serving me faithfully since the beginning; would I reward him for that? It was not beyond the realm of possibility that I would wrest power away from Heartsblood and bestow it upon my favorite—a capricious decision, yes, but one worth considering. In ages past, I would’ve done it without a second thought. I let the knight kneel in terror for several long moments while I regarded him thoughtfully.
“How would you reward one such as Greydusk? He is my right hand.”
“There is no higher honor,” Heartsblood rejoined.
Ah, clever. I decided I liked this Imaron. With five slim words, he intimated that his own station was already lesser than the one Greydusk had attained through his own merits, and therefore an insult to him, should it be offered as a prize. In the same breath, he honored me; the compliment was well crafted—masterful, truly.
Amusement shone in my expression. “You are kind to say so.”
“I would swear my oath, if it pleases Your Majesty.”
“It does.”
He was quick again, this time when he knew the right words without my prompting. Heartsblood trotted them out as if he had been studying, but with every indication of sincerity. When he finished, I said, “On your feet, Knight of the Imaron. I am pleased with your alacrity. In time, I will host a ball to inaugurate this glorious new era. Until then, be watchful on my behalf and report anything that troubles you.”
“Do you expect insurgency, Your Majesty?”
Here, I hesitated. While his wit was pleasing, I didn’t trust him. “It is always best to anticipate trouble. That way one may be surprised for the better and prepared for the worst.”
The Imaron knight flashed a mouthful of teeth. “Spoken like a true queen.”
“You will keep your finger on the city’s pulse?”
“I swear it.”
I dismissed Heartsblood then. Perhaps he esteemed me enough to keep his word on that alone; and if not, then gratitude might do it. I could have replaced him with Greydusk, knowing his loyalty was absolute. Instead, I chose to give Heartsblood an opportunity to prove himself. That might be all the rope I needed to hang myself, but I couldn’t rule this city without allies. Some would come through fear, others through respect.
Deep weariness trembled in my muscles. I glanced at the Hazo standing motionless on either side of my throne. They must be exhausted too; it had been a long day—and how odd that I would consider such a thing.
“Go to your barracks now,” I said. “I am retiring from the public eye. Clear the hall and the antechamber. I’ll see no one else today.”
Mustering the last vestige of regal dignity, I swept from the throne room and down the hall. Demons on their hands and knees already, scrubbing the tiles to a high shine, lowered their faces so they could see nothing but the hem of my robe. I missed the freedom of the trousers and boots I’d worn on the streets, but since I wouldn’t be engaging in personal combat, I bowed to tradition and wore more impressive, ceremonial garb while holding court.
Deep down I hated it.
Some parts of this, I loathed. Unexpected, that. I’d thought once I pulled together the shambles of my court, the painful dissatisfaction would fade. But it hadn’t. With a soft sigh, I went to my rooms to change.
The future lay before me, surprisingly bleak and endless. I don’t want to be queen. I want—the thought was too foreign for me to finish. It didn’t even feel like my thought. My head ached in the worst way, and I dug my knuckles into my temples. Nausea rose to accompany the pain. I didn’t know how long I sat like that, but a soft touch on my shoulder roused me.
My vision was spotty. I turned, wondering what they needed now. “Yes?”
“You don’t look good.” Shannon sat down across from me; she and Chance were the only ones who entered my rooms without knocking. “Headache? I guess you can’t get Aleve here.”
“No.” And I feared taking a demon remedy. It might affect my human body in some unpredictable way. In time, I would deal with that problem, research reliable magickal alternatives. And I needed to think about the question of aging, as to how it pertained to the three of us. Demons had much longer natural life spans.
“Have you been avoiding me?” That was like her, some distant part of me recalled. Not letting anything get in her way. And I respected her for it.
“Definitely not. There’s just so much to do.”
But I had been, because I didn’t want her to realize how different I’d become.
“Are you sure it’s not because of Jesse?”
For a moment I didn’t even know what she was talking about. Then the memories filtered through: a tall, lean cop with a cowboy’s walk, tawny hair, and a Texas drawl. But I didn’t feel much of anything about her being with him. He didn’t belong to me. Never had.
“Honestly, I don’t mind at all.” I dug deep for some memories and the pain in my skull eased. “I was never really with him anyway. Not like you.”
“But he was into you. Not me. I just walked into the vacancy.”
That sparked a stronger response, a chemical reaction in my tired brain. The pain blossomed into a full shift, and suddenly I was on the right side of the glass, no longer screaming in silence. Oh, gods and goddesses, I’m me again.
“There must’ve been something, Shan. Maybe he focused on me because I was suitable. You’re the one he’s not allowed to have without people judging.”
“I’m nineteen,” she said angrily.
With a small pang of surprise, I realized she was. I’d missed her birthday. “I’m sorry about the forget spell. I never meant for it to last as long as it did. It must have been…confusing.”
Her brow furrowed, as she remembered. “Yeah. There were…fuzzy places, where you used to be. I couldn’t remember exactly how I got out of Kilmer. Only that Jesse was involved. He said something traumatic must’ve happened to screw with our heads. That…or magick.”
“He guessed that?”
Please, let this last. Don’t let the queen take me over before I finish talking to Shannon.
“Yeah, but he wasn’t sure on the details. I mean, we knew there were pieces missing. But the harder I tried to fill in the gaps, the worse it got. My whole head hurt and it was easier not to think about it. To move on.”
That was the nature of the forget fog. It had a little avoidance spell wrapped up in it, so that people wouldn’t stare too hard at the holes in their lives. They’d just step around them and go about their business until it wore off. In theory, that was only supposed to be a couple of hours; a day or two at most. It was more of a prank spell than a powerful one. I’d screwed it up royally to make it last two months…until she passed through the water gate and was stripped of its effects.
“I understand how it happened and I’m not upset, I promise. You had a thing for him back in Kilmer.”
“It was a crush,” she said quietly. “But I never expected he’d look at me because you’re right, you were so much more suitable.”
I smiled at her. “Just because we worked on paper, that doesn’t mean it was right. If he’d truly loved me, the feeling would’ve remained. He wouldn’t have fallen for you as soon as the obstacle in his conscious mind disappeared.”
“I never thought of it that way.”
“In the beginning, I think he wanted to save me…and there was sexual attraction, sure. But it was never anything permanent. I wanted to give him a chance because I felt like I should, not because I thought we were destined to be together. I’d been telling myself I wanted a normal life, and who better to give it to me, right?”
“He’s not as normal as you think.” Furious color touched her pale cheeks, but she was grinning.
There was a frantic buzzing in the back of my head, like a giant fly caught in sticky paper. Ninlil. Let her see how she enjoys being trapped without recourse. It felt so good to talk with Shannon. God, I’d missed her.
I don’t like it at all, Ninlil shouted. I have plans. She pushed, and it was hard to hold her back. But I managed, savoring the conversation.
“Really?” I drawled the word, inviting confidence.
“Handcuffs,” she said, smirking.
Maybe it was a cop thing. That definitely would not have worked for me. She opened up by inches, telling me what I’d only glimpsed from snooping in her netbook. It was better this way, and by the time she finished talking, she was smiling, relaxed. She believed I was okay with what they’d done.
Then she realized she’d never see him again. The smile died.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“No, don’t be. I get it. I don’t want to wreck somebody’s soul just so I can make out with my boyfriend.”
“Once we finish excavating the Saremon library, I’ll put someone on researching a way to connect the realms without a gate.”
Her eyes brightened. “Like a demon phone?”
“Kind of.”
“I’d appreciate that so much, if you could. Just so I could explain.”
“You know Jesse. If you tell him where you are, he won’t stop until he finds a way here.”
“I won’t be specific. I’d just like to let him know that I’m one gifted chick who didn’t flake on him.”
“You think that would be better?”
I considered my father, who I’d thought abandoned us all those years, when it turned out he had, in fact, been taken. Just like Twila said. If I’d known he loved me and hadn’t abandoned me, would that have helped? Yes, I decided.
She confirmed my conclusion with a nod. “Totally. At least I can tell him it wasn’t my idea to take off. Otherwise he’ll always wonder.”
Like I did.
“Like I said, I’ll put someone on the spell research as soon as I can.”
“Thanks. Maybe it won’t be so bad. At least you have Chance, right? So what’s the scoop there? You back together?”
“Yes.” No doubts, no hesitations. He’d proven himself so far above and beyond the call.
“He seems a little sad sometimes.”
“I am too.”
Shan nodded. “Being stuck here?”
That wasn’t the only reason. Better not to explain what I’d done to survive the search for her. The pressure built in my head. I wouldn’t be myself—at least not this version—for much longer. The demon queen shoved hard, trying to gain dominance. We weren’t united in the sense that we shared a common purpose; it was more like two misshapen halves of a bowl had been fused together, so that stuff slopped over and ran out the sides, and the way it looked entirely depended on the angle of approach. Now the mismatched bowl was spinning back her away again and the cycle left me dizzy.