I couldn’t straighten out my thoughts or feelings. I went after Monroe, but she rejected me. She didn’t want me, not after I’d pulled too many stunts. She had been the only woman in my life for the past three months, and because of her, the rest of my life would be different. Even if I could never have her again, I wouldn’t go back to my previous way of living. I wouldn’t go back to fucking virgins and paying for the experience. Now, when I thought about my past, I was disgusted with myself. I was such an asshole when we first met, from our introduction in this office to the dinner we had shortly afterward. I didn’t treat her with respect. It only happened when she demanded it.
She changed me.
She made me into a better man, a different man.
And she did it in such a short amount of time.
I could never go back to what I used to be. But I couldn’t picture myself meeting a nice woman and falling in love.
Not when I’d already met a nice woman.
A perfect woman.
A woman who loved me for me, despite my flaws and not because of my money.
Why the fuck did I throw her away?
Why didn’t I trust her?
Why did I let that bitch ruin my past as well as my future?
I’d never been so disappointed in myself.
My back was to the door, so I didn’t notice my brother until he walked inside. “Forget how to knock?”
“I saw Jillian in the lobby. She said you were still here…staring out the window.”
“Yeah, I’ve been doing that a lot lately.”
“Why haven’t you gone home yet?”
I faced the window again. “What for? There’s nothing there.”
“I hope you don’t feel that way because of me. Because I can leave.”
I crossed my legs and rested my arms on the armrests. “I don’t want to hear about your night last night.”
“You mean, you don’t want to hear about Monroe’s night…”
I stared at my building across the street, seeing my penthouse on the top floor.
“I went to the blonde’s place. Being with someone else was weird at first, but after the initial shock, it felt good. I’m glad I put myself out there…even though I’m still technically married. If Simone wouldn’t be such a pussy, I could divorce her already.”
Did Monroe go home with Pretty Boy? Did she take him back to her townhouse and screw him on the air mattress? Did they do it in front of the fireplace while the frost drew patterns on the windows?
It made me want to shoot myself.
“I know you don’t want to know about Monroe, but I’ll tell you anyway—”
“Don’t. I’ll put a bullet in my brain—”
“She went home alone. We shared a cab with her on the drive home.”
I felt my lungs expand with the deep breath I took. The relief gave me a high.
“But she got the guy’s number, and I think she’s going to see him again.”
The relief vanished instantly. That high disappeared like a candle had just been blown out. “I tried to work it out. I went there and poured out my heart to her.”
“I remember you threatening the guy she was talking to and not really saying anything you hadn’t already said before. I don’t blame her for not giving you another chance. She’s not settling for less than what she deserves.”
“And what’s that?”
“The whole nine yards. Love, marriage, kids. If you aren’t interested in that, then it’ll never work anyway.”
I’d never given much thought to having children, but I wasn’t averse to the concept. Getting to trust someone enough to start a family was the problem. Simone and Coen had battered me hard. Even now, I couldn’t let it go entirely.
“So, I think this is for the best. You want completely different things. She deserves to have everything she wants…even if you’re the man she wants all of that with.”
“She said that?” I stared at my penthouse, the windows dark because they were tinted.
“Yes.”
“She said she wants to spend her life with me?”
“Is it not obvious to you, Slate? Is it not obvious that this woman is head over heels for you? Let me paint a picture for you, alright? You’re Simone…and Monroe is me. You keep playing her like a fool, and she keeps coming back because she loves you. But now, she’s finally realized you’re just going to keep hurting her over and over.”
Those words hit me right in the chest, dug deep like a hook had been inserted right under the skin. Simone humiliated me, and in the end, I did the same thing to Monroe. She was open and honest with me, and I kept using her for what I wanted. I told her I would try to be something more, and I never did. I lied to her, unknowingly. She was good to me, and I was never good to her.