She also wanted to come to me, but I told her I’d be okay, and that I’d call her in the morning. When I asked where Dad was she mumbled something about the hotel bar. I sincerely hope this doesn’t result in another one of my father’s extended business trips or a monthlong excursion to a relaxation spa for my mother.
They’ve been off and on for as long as I can remember, but this wedding has been something that united them. They’d been so supportive of what they believed was a good choice for my future.
Any kind of stress is bad for my mother’s health and I worry that this could have some kind of ripple effect. Not that there’s anything I can reasonably do to prevent it now. It’s my own mess of a life I’m going to have to focus on.
I rest my forehead on my knee. “I can’t believe I threw myself at Lexington.”
“I’m sure you’re not the first and you won’t be the last.”
“That makes me feel so much better.” I huff a laugh, then shiver at the memory of the way I’d taken him to the ground and straddled him. At the way he’d flipped me over and tried to stop me. I’d felt him, against my palm and between my legs. He’d been hard. And big. Big and hard. He’s a big man all over. I never really considered how big until he was on top of me.
His words ping-pong around in my head. No was the very last thing I wanted to say to you. I can’t imagine he meant it. I seriously must’ve had a complete mental break to act the way I did.
“You were pretty upset.”
“I cut a fifteen-thousand-dollar dress in half.” In all fairness, I’d wanted something vintage and off the rack, but Armstrong and Gwendolyn were totally against it, so I’d ended up with an overly poofy, excessively expensive dress.
Ruby pets my hair. “It was a very Anarchy Amie thing to do, and understandable, considering.”
I lost that nickname, for the most part, when I started dating Armstrong. It came on the heels of my sometimes unruly behavior as a teen. I had a tendency to get into trouble. Often it was directly related to the boys I liked to date. Once my parents went away for a weekend and the guy I was seeing at the time thought we should throw a house party. It wasn’t the first and it wouldn’t be the last either. It seemed like a good idea—until it went viral and my entire school population showed up—along with some college boy who’d been chatting me up on social media. That was a messy night.
The nickname was well earned over the years considering all the stunts I’d pulled. I discovered that when I caused trouble during one of their business trips/spa escapes, my parents would be forced to cut the trip short so they could deal with me. It was definitely a classic case of me seeking my parents’ attention. It resulted in a couple of near expulsions from school, a slew of boyfriends who I assume all ended up in prison, and several parties where the police were called.
But I’m an adult now, and I don’t want my own police record—which almost happened with my most recent ex. I never wanted to see or experience that kind of disappointment from my family again, so I tried to be a better, less rebellious version of myself.
After the almost-arrest in the Mexico airport, I felt like if I picked someone good, someone they’d approve of, I could undo some of the damage that last relationship had caused and make them proud again. They’d been so excited for the wedding, and it made me feel like I was doing the right thing. I don’t want this failure to affect them negatively, but if I’m honest, it felt good to cut that stupid fucking dress in half. Freeing, really. I hated it. The frills, the lace-up back, the poof—none of it was for me. All of it was for someone else.
I peek up at Ruby. My head is all over the place. I don’t know how to deal with all of these conflicting emotions, the ones I’ve been fighting this entire time. The ones I’m going to have to face now that my future has been blown apart by public fellatio.
“I’m going to have to annul this marriage.”
Ruby rubs my back soothingly. “Can Pierce help with the annulment? Can you call him in the morning and get the paperwork started?”
“I’m pretty sure. He’s not a divorce attorney, but someone at his firm can probably help. Oh my God, what am I going to do about my job?” Maybe I need something stronger than Perrier.
There’s no way I can go back to Moorehead Media after this. I’ve sustained enough humiliation where Armstrong is concerned.
“Let’s just deal with one thing at a time. That’s not something you need to think about right now. You have weeks to figure that out.”
She’s right, but thinking about my job is easier than thinking about how all of my choices over the past year lead to the horror of this night. “I can’t believe this happened. Or maybe I can. I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just before Armstrong asked me to marry him, I told my mom I wasn’t sure about my feelings for him.”
The briefest flash of hurt passes across Ruby’s face. Of all the people I should’ve had that conversation with, it’s her. But then maybe her honesty was what I’d been afraid of. “What did she say?”
“No relationship is perfect. She said it was probably because he was so different from what I was used to, and that we’d have a stable life, and wasn’t that what I wanted? I thought it was. I thought I could make it work and it didn’t even last a night.” Tears well and spill over, coasting down my cheeks. My eyes are swollen and red. Cucumber slices and tea bag compresses will not make this go away—not outside or inside.
Ruby wraps her arms around me, which makes the tears fall even faster. “He’s an idiot and your mom probably isn’t the best judge of stable relationships.”
“I know. I just thought it would be better. I really thought it was going to be good for me to have this one person who I could manage all the hard stuff with, but this is just . . . way worse than any of the other guys I dated. At least I had no expectations then. Maybe I’m destined to wind up with an asshole for life. Maybe my good-man radar is broken.”
“I don’t think it’s broken, Amie, I just think you’ve spent so much time dating guys you have no intention of getting serious with that you don’t even know what to look for, or what you want. Look at it this way, at least this happened before you merged your lives. An annulment is much easier than a divorce a year down the road.”
She’s right. As supportive as she’s been, Ruby has always been wary of Armstrong. It’s clear now that she was right; my cold feet and concerns were warranted. I shouldn’t have brushed it off the way I did. “I don’t even get to have my honeymoon.” I picked the most amazing location. It was the only part of this entire wedding that was my choice. Armstrong wasn’t completely sold, but then I gave him an outstanding blow job and he relented. Mostly—he didn’t like the resort so I compromised on that. Penisface. Seems like oral must be his Achilles’ heel.
She leans back, pensive. “Who says you can’t have it?”
I snort at the ludicrousness of the idea. “As if I’m going to fly halfway around the world by myself.”
“Why not?” She motions to my luggage. “You’re already packed and you have the time off. Why not go?”
“On my own?” I’ve never traveled anywhere on my own, not like this. Even when I moved to New York, I didn’t come alone—Ruby was with me.