Things had been different for us the last couple of months. It wasn’t long after I’d freaked out and bolted from her house that I thought I had enough control over my mind to give in and have sex. And Gwen was pushy. When she wanted something, she gave it her all until she got it. Once she’d set her mind to us having sex, she pulled out all the stops to make it happen.
It didn’t take much; I cared about her. No matter what she’d done to push it, I wouldn’t have had sex with her if I hadn’t cared. But when you’re sixteen and your girlfriend shows up at school with no underwear on and puts your hand up her skirt, asking you to come over while her parents are gone, you show up. No questions asked. I’d had full control over myself as we worked our way through foreplay, and I really focused on taking control of my reactions and taking care of her. But once I’d rolled the condom on and pushed in that first time, I saw her wince, and that was it for me. That wince and small cry of pain turned me on more than anything had leading up to that point. All I’d wanted to do was push harder and see if I could get more cries of pain from her to fuel the fire that raged inside me. Then I was back to freaking out about what a cruel asshole I was and worried about what I’d do, lost in the moment. I’d closed my eyes and held on to what little control I’d had until it was over.
We’d only had sex two other times after that, and I’d made her be on top, pinning my hands at my side. When it became difficult to get off, I’d closed my eyes and imagined flipping her over and pinning her down. I’d imagined horrible, foul things a man shouldn’t do to a woman he cared about. Afterward, I felt like a monster, but in the moment, when those thoughts filled my head, I felt like a master in control of the universe. Power coursed through my body and came flooding out with a roar as I orgasmed.
Something was wrong with me. These thoughts weren’t normal. Which was why I’d put off having sex with Gwen since.
But when she kept pushing my limits at the party, trying to climb onto my lap with everyone around us, I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d finally grabbed her hand and walked her out into the yard, hoping for some privacy. She’d followed willingly, thinking I was going to give in and fuck her right there where everyone could see. Yeah right. Like I wanted anyone to witness the way I barely held it together during sex.
Like I wanted to take the chance of anyone seeing the brutal beast I hid within me.
I ran my hand over my face and distracted myself by looking up at the stars, trying to find Orion’s Belt. Anything to stop rehashing the night. Especially the moment Gwen had dragged Ana into my mess.
Fuck, I’d screwed up.
I don’t know how long I laid there, but at some point, I heard the soft rustle of footsteps in the grass and then the familiar sounds of Ana climbing up onto the roof. I didn’t reach for her hand this time to help her up or even turn my head to see the look on her face. Was it frustration that I managed to put her in the middle of this? Was it pity that I got reamed in front of our friends by a five-foot, one-hundred-pound girl? I didn’t want to find out.
She didn’t say anything at first, she just lay down beside me and watched the stars, her presence a comfort on its own.
“You okay?” she asked after a while.
I breathed out a laugh. “Yeah. I guess. I should be asking you that. You’re the one who got yelled at unnecessarily.” Not being able to not see her expression, I turned my head to look at her. With the soft glow of the moon bathing us, I could see her blond hair fanned out underneath her. Her profile showed the soft curve of her nose and her full bottom lip caught between her teeth.
“I’m fine, Kevin.” She shrugged. “I actually ended up talking to Gwen for a while and drinking some tequila. That’s what took me so long to get here. I had to mend fences and give a sister some support from the douche canoe who broke up with her in the middle of a party. I made sure she knew I was all about chicks before dicks.”
She turned to me with a smile in her eyes, probably holding back a laugh at the way my face had screwed up.