“You haven’t seemed particularly saintly since I’ve seen you, I’ll tell you that in all honesty.” His fingers moved down on her waist, just an inch or so, but enough to edge into somewhat erotic territory. At least, erotic for a woman who hadn’t had a kiss in...ever, and was due. Past due.
“Maybe it’s because I...I feel like I’m waking up.” It was the strangest thing, but as she spoke the words she knew that was the best way to describe it. It was like she’d been sleeping. All those years after the attack, and then at the convent, it had been like hovering between reality and a dream. There was a cushion there, between her and life, and she had needed it.
Now, though, her eyes were wide open, and everything was clear. Frightening. And amazing.
“I thought women needed to be kissed awake,” he said, lowering his head, his mouth a whisper away from hers.
“Sleeping Beauty maybe,” she said. “But we both know that I’m not—”
He silenced her with the firm pressure of his lips on hers. She was almost too shocked to register the feeling of the kiss. She felt it deeper than she’d imagined she would. Felt it in the pit of her stomach just as strongly as she felt it against her lips.
It was brief, and it was very nearly chaste, but it tilted her world on its axis completely. And he had no idea, she was sure of that. Because for him, it was just another kiss. But for her it was the first.
“How was that?” he asked.
“I...” She pulled away from him. “I don’t think that had anything to do with dancing.”
“It had to do with us, as a couple, making our debut at the engagement party, where we’ll be dancing. It was a natural extension.”
Yes, a natural extension for him, but not for her.
“Well, there’s no need for any of that until after...until...”
“You aren’t part of a convent anymore,” he said, “you’re a woman.”
“I’ve been a woman the entire time, thank you. It didn’t change when I went to the convent, it didn’t change when I left. It didn’t change just because you decided to kiss me. Our marriage is based on necessity, not on passion, so let’s not pretend.”
“Who said I was pretending?”
“Right, Xander, I’m sure you were overwhelmed by lust when you told me that I wasn’t beautiful only twenty minutes ago.”
“There is something else,” he said, his voice tight, strange. “Something...”
She shook her head. “Just don’t lie to me.”
“This,” he said, looking down, “it doesn’t lie. I would put your hand on me but I think that would be a step too far.”
“Put my hand on...” Her stomach tightened painfully and she looked down, her eyes following the line his gaze had. “Oh.”
“I thought it might be off-limits.”
“Yes,” she said, her throat dry. “It is. Definitely in the post-marriage vow zone. Anything below the belt.”
“You look much more intrigued than you do offended.”
“Do I? That’s just the shock talking. Well, not talking, forming my facial expressions for me. I’m terribly shocked.”
“I look forward to shocking you a bit more after our marriage vows then.”
“Don’t make it a joke, please,” she said, suddenly feeling like she needed to lie down. Or dissolve into a gigantic puddle of wimpy girl tears. “I know you’re experienced and cavalier and having pity sex with an ugly girl is just a witty anecdote waiting to happen for you. But this isn’t funny to me. It’s my life. And I’m the one who stands to be hurt the most by this. I’m the one...”
“You’re the one who called yourself my punishment, Layna. I have said nothing cruel to you on that score. I don’t look at you and think that you’re ugly—neither do I feel like I’m doing you any great favors by marrying you and sharing your bed. In truth, you may find that you are more unhappy with the demanded fidelity than I am.”
“Why is that?”
“Because it will ensure that I’m around more, and you may tire of me quickly. You have this idea that I’m somehow more desirable stock because I’m not scarred. Let me assure you that while I may be physically undamaged, you are not by any stretch getting the better end of this deal. I am selfish, I have spent the majority of the past few years battling demons and addictions, and doing neither very well at all. You may think that what I’m giving you is pity sex, but don’t for one moment think that I don’t realize what I have on my hands is a pity marriage.”