She wanted to say that it hadn’t been a demonstration—but how else would she describe it? Lust, certainly. But not just lust. Lust alone didn’t make your heart pound with a power which made you feel dizzy. Nor did it make you want to touch your lover’s face with a tenderness which might just give away how much you really cared. How much you really loved. Still. Even now.
But none of it mattered. Time was running out. After the christening she would be free to go, because that was what Xenon had told her would happen and he never reneged on a deal.
She managed a smile—a bright beam of a thing which went no further than her lips. ‘I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’ll be something to remember me by when I’m gone. And while we’re on the subject—I’d like to get away as soon as possible tomorrow. I’m happy to go back on a commercial flight if that would be less hassle.’
There was a pause. He seemed to be picking out his words with particular care. ‘And what if I said I didn’t want you to go?’
Lexi wrinkled her nose. ‘But we can’t stay here.’
‘I’m not proposing we do. But we can go back to London, can’t we? We can even go to your place in Devon if that’s what you want.’
‘Together?’
‘Why not?’
For a moment, Lexi got a bizarre image of what it might be like with Xenon trying to blend into village life. She pictured him standing in a queue in the little corner shop while he waited to buy a loaf of bread. Playing darts in the local pub. Confused now, she stared at him. ‘I don’t know what you’re suggesting.’
‘I want to make it with you, Lex,’ he said simply. ‘I want to give our marriage another chance.’
‘But we’ve already talked about it. We’ve said everything there is to say.’ Her words sounded miraculously strong but she could see from the look on his face that he wasn’t really listening to them. And maybe this was inevitable. Maybe she needed to expose the one last, weak link which would sever their relationship for ever.
‘No,’ he said and his face was filled with a dark determination which made Lexi’s heart begin to sink. ‘We haven’t talked about how we might heal the past. I saw your face when you held Ianthe yesterday. I saw the sadness in your eyes and I understood what you were feeling. But it doesn’t have to be this way, Lex. We can start again. We can have another baby—’
‘No!’ The word came out more violently than she had intended. She could see that its vehemence shocked him—it even shocked her. ‘I can’t have another baby, Xenon. Don’t you understand? That’s why this marriage could never work then—or now. Because I can’t give you the baby you’ve always wanted.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THERE WAS COMPLETE silence as Xenon stared at Lexi with incomprehension in his dark eyes.
‘What are you talking about?’
‘The baby was...was...’ Her voice began to wobble. What words could she possibly use that wouldn’t insult the memory of that little scrap? ‘They did...tests. They said that he had a genetic abnormality. Something was wrong with his chromosomes and that was why it had happened. That his condition was not...’ She sucked in a shuddering breath as the corrosive truth came out in a bitter rush. ‘Was not compatible with life.’
There was a long, disbelieving pause while he looked at her as if he’d never really seen her before. ‘And why didn’t you tell me this at the time?’ he demanded. ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me, Lex? A secret as big as this and yet you kept it from me?’
Pain ripped through her. And guilt. So much guilt. ‘Because you weren’t there to tell!’ She shook her head. ‘Oh, I’m not blaming you for the fact that a volcanic ash cloud brought the global aviation system grinding to a halt—even you couldn’t overcome that. But I was having difficulty getting my own head around what the doctors had told me and when you got back you were so...distant.’
‘Because I didn’t know what to say,’ he gritted out.
‘I know that!’ Her voice was wobbling now. Didn’t he see? Didn’t he understand that there was a reason she had spared him the bitter truth? ‘But I also knew you wanted another baby. And that’s the bottom line. Because I can’t give you that baby, Xenon.’
He was staring at her warily, as if he wasn’t quite sure what she might do next. ‘I still don’t understand where you’re going with this,’ he said.