ChapterOne
The day Julian Ace McCormick walked out of my life, I was certain I’d never see the likes of him again. He’d always been destined for greatness, and I wouldn’t be the one who kept him from his dreams.
What was that old phrase? If you love something, set it free. Well, that’s exactly what I did and ended up breaking my own damn heart in the process. Some people say you never really get over your first true love, and I can attest to that… a part of him still lived with me, and I’d never forget it.
Now, five years later, he’s stood before me again… sure, he’s a little shorter at three and a half feet tall, not as muscular, either, but just as handsome as the man who helped me give him life.We made such a cute damn kid.The thought had me grinning like a kid on Christmas when they saw the mass of presents under the tree as I recall the same look Ben is giving me right now on Julian’s face.
“Mama…” A few quiet seconds ticked by…. “Mama?” His sweet voice trickled into my ears again. This time, there was inflection in his tone. His little brow was furrowed in confusion. I’m sure he doesn’t understand. I wish I could explain it in a way he would, but I also don’t. He doesn’t need to deal with my baggage of emotions.
I cleared my throat and tried to bring myself back to the present. “Yes, baby?”
His little mouth pinched as he cocked his head in question. “Why ya always look so sad? Somebody hurt your feelings?”
I tried to silently suck back the snot threatening to reveal itself to the world. Ugh.Why is this so hard?“Oh, I’m not sad, Benji. Mama just got something stuck in her eye.”
He bit his bottom lip as his brow furrowed. “You say lying is bad.”
It was crazy how kids were always the best lie detectors.
“I know, baby.” I said, ruffling my fingers through his soft brown hair. Little arms wrapped around my leg and squeezed. I sniffled, unable to help the feelings pouring through me. Most days, I was fine. I was happy. I loved my little boy and this life we’d created together.
But some days… I couldn’t help but look back and remember the past and how things used to be. How things were when I was with his father.
I wiped away the tears so they couldn’t fall before squatting down to look in his eyes, “You hungry, buddy?”
A grin widened his little cheeks as he responded. “Umm huh.”
I clapped my hands together and smiled. “All right, let’s make some breakfast. Any requests?”
“Pancakes?” He asked softly. “And bacon?” I couldn’t help but smile.
“Absolutely, bud. Wanna help?” He nodded and started to follow behind me with soft feet before slipping his small, warm hand into mine.
When we got to the kitchen, he pushed a chair over beside the stove and climbed on so he could watch me pour the pancake batter. The twinkle of excitement in his eyes always stole my breath away. To be young and that innocent again. I never want him to lose that spark; that joy he gets from the simplest things.
We both ate, and then I took Ben to get washed up and dressed for the day. A typical Saturday in Silverbell Shore. Later today we’d go to the park or out with my dad on the boat, both things followed up by a stop at Village Parlour Ice Cream Treats.
I set Benjamin up in the living room in front of the TV so I could finish cleaning up from breakfast, and he watched Saturday morning cartoons. His laugh I could never get enough of. He didn’t always get to watch them because I preferred him to play outside, but some days it was a treat.
As I watched the happiness on his face, a ribbon of contentment twirled inside me.
Strolling back into the kitchen, I poured myself another cup of coffee. I would need the liquid fortification to keep up with a five year old today. Last night was another restless night of tossing and turning; like most nights. I drew the coffee mug to my nose and closed my eyes as I deeply inhaled the smell of caramel and nuts. My world would simply implode without coffee. Okay, maybe that was a tad dramatic. Sighing, I set down my mug and got to cleaning up.
Today madesix yearssince he left me; since I decided I couldn’t hold him back.
I’d never stopped following his career. He was a big shot champion Indy car driver, and I couldn’t have been more proud of him, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He looked content, always a vast assortment of women lined up to be his arm candy when needed. It was as if he didn’t even remember me. Life in the fast lane was way out of my league. I’d always be this small town girl. Silverbell Shore was a part of me. I’m a part of it, and I can’t imagine my life any other way.
I shook off the melancholy. No time to wallow in the memories. We had things to do; like go to the grocery store and do laundry. Hooray for stinky little boy underwear and folding multiple loads of clothes. How does one little boy produce so much laundry? I chuckled under my breath. The joys of adulting, right here.
I turned, and my eyes drifted to the living room where little giggles erupted from the couch. I had just finished putting the last plate in the dishwasher with a clang when there was a knock on the front door. Benjamin popped up from the couch, ran to the door barefoot, and I followed him.
“Benji… wait a minute.” I said firmly, pulling him back so I could look through the peephole first. My parents stood on the porch speaking animatedly with each other; Dad was so much taller than Mom. They both sported silver speckled hair which was the only thing that gave away their age. Papa had kind gray blue eyes, while Mama had jade green, both differing from my own. They were also still that couple; the ones who made you feel awkward when they displayed PDA publicly. Him cutely pinching her butt in public just made me want to hurl and still gave me nightmares, but when they walked anywhere down the beach or across town, they held hands like, somehow, if they let go, one or the other would be lost forever. It was sweet. A smile slipped across my face before my eyes found my little boy.
“Okay… go ahead and answer it.” I whispered to Ben.
A look of glee crossed his face before he grabbed the handle and started to turn it. “Nana and Pawpaw.” He exclaimed with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. He stepped out onto the porch with them.
“Ben, you need shoes to go outside, buddy. We’ve talked about this.” I scolded him lightly.