Because she’d known they’d decline her. The social worker had told her at the time that she had no chance.
But Elias looked astounded. ‘You’re ridiculously efficient and always prepared, Darcie. How have you not looked at this in much detail before now?’
She rubbed her forehead. He was so confident and such an over-achiever it would seem incomprehensibly stupid to him. ‘Because some things aresoimportant it becomes too hard to really try, do you know what I mean?’ She glanced at him but of course he probably didn’t get it. Her incompetence was embarrassing. ‘If I didn’t know the details—the harsh reality—then I could still believe it might be possible. I could keep dreaming.’
He sat back, still frowning as he slowly nodded. ‘So you avoided finding out for sure.’
Embarrassed, she nodded. ‘Deluded myself with ignorance.’
He was silent, then spoke more softly. ‘You didn’t delude yourself, Darcie. You were scared because it means that much to you.’
‘Means everything. Yes.’ Her eyes filled because he did get it. ‘But it might not work. It still mightn’t.’
‘Why would you think that?’ he asked.
‘After what had happened when she was taken...’
She’d been so scared off by the social worker that she hadn’t even taken the forms to fill in. She’d been young and burned by the system herself so many times she just knew she’d never win back then. Truthfully she still didn’t.
‘What did happen?’ He leaned closer, his gaze filled with concern as she remained silent. ‘You know you can tell me anything, Darcie.’
Darcie wanted to believe him. She wanted to trust him. He’d sat there so calmly, looking so devastating in his jeans and tee. But she didn’t talk about her past. People could never understand, and it made them uncomfortable. But she also knew she owed Elias some explanation because he’d been beyond supportive, and if they were to have any chance of succeeding then he needed to understandZara’sstory more than her own.
‘I met Zara when she came to the group home I was in. She was crazy, beautiful and kind, and we just hit it off. Other kids came and went but we stuck together. As soon as we were old enough we shared a tiny bedsit. I’d done well at school with computers, so I started in junior office jobs. Zara worked in clubs.’ She paused. ‘I’m sure you know the kind.’
‘Clubs? Going clubbing...’ he echoed the social worker.
‘She was a dancer.’
‘You mean an exotic dancer.’
Darcie lifted her chin. ‘She was beautiful and fierce and she worked hard to look after Lily.’
‘So did you.’
She saw the question in his eyes and knew exactly what he was wondering. ‘She made good money whereas my entry-level office admin jobs initially were minimal pay. So yes, I tried dancing once. I hated every second and I was rubbish and I earned almost nothing. So I stayed in the offices working because I was quick at picking it up, good on computers, and I progressed. But then Zara got pregnant. She thought Lily’s father was going to save her.’
‘He didn’t.’
‘Of course he didn’t. I’d tried to tell her, tried to warn her. But she trusted so easily.’
‘While you don’t trust at all.’ He regarded her sombrely.
‘Once people have had what they want, they leave,’ she said.
It had happened to her mother. It had happened to Zara. Darcie had been determined not to let it happen to her. But both Zara and her mother had left Darcie, too.
‘I worked during the day and Zara looked after Lily and then I was there for Lily at night while Zara went back to working the clubs,’ she said before Elias could ask her anything awkward. ‘I didn’t want her to but she was determined. She’d had her heart smashed so many times but she was such a dreamer.’
‘You didn’t have dreams, Darcie?’
‘I was the realist. One of us had to be. But she thought she’d meet someone else...’ She looked at him. ‘Zara was hurt. We were all damaged in different ways but she’d suffered the worst. Don’t judge her.’
‘I’m not. You did what you had to do,’ he said simply. ‘And you did nothing wrong.’
‘That’s not what the social worker implied.’ She’d made her feel cheap and worthless and that she wasn’t good enough to care for Lily.
‘Everyone has things in their past that they’re embarrassed about, or not proud of,’ Elias said. ‘If they don’t let people have a few mistakes, then they wouldn’t haveanyprospective foster parents.’