"It's complicated."
"Then explain it to me," he said gently. "I brought you here to be alone.” He grabbed my hands in his. “You know I would never judge you, right?"
I nodded, biting my bottom lip. "I'm hurting and I'm confused and..." I sighed, looking away to the branches of the trees surrounding me, moving with the wind. "I think part of me was falling in love with him, Ethan."
"And that is a problem because…?" Ethan trailed off. "You know I'm not Hugo's number one fan, but to be honest, he really seems to be trying to make it up to you. No matter how impossible it seems. I think he genuinely cares for you."
I looked up for a minute and met Hugo’s eyes in the window overlooking the garden. He had not gone to his office as he’d said and the warmth that his presence caused worried me.
I rapidly looked away. "The problem is that Hugo has very high standards on what is proper and what is not. We could not be more different and I can’t help but think that he feels guilty and obligated to claim his own blood now that it’s basically out in the world."
Ethan tipped his head from side to side. "I agree with you. Hugo is a skilled manipulator, but I highly doubt that's what he's doing now. He knows what is at stake. So no, he wouldn't be that stupid."
"And I'm scared." I shivered ever so slightly, remembering the pain I felt every time Hugo acted cold, distant, emotionally unavailable, and above all, unnecessary cruel.
"What are you scared of?" He took off his jacket and wrapped it around me.
"Hugo," I replied, hugging the jacket tighter against me.
"Hugo?" Ethan sounded confused. "Again, I don't like him but he would rather die than hurt you."
I sighed. “No. I'm afraid of what loving him will do to me. He makes me vulnerable to a point I can't be allowed to be. I'm pregnant now. I'm going to raise a child." I gestured to my pregnant belly. "Being distant when he needs to or wants to be, being cold or giving me so little won’t be enough, and I know it's not fair for me to ask him for more but it's not fair to have any less than what I deserve, either." I shook my head, looking up to the sky, willing my tears away. "I love a part of him and I think if I let myself try, I could love all of him but I don’t think he can ever love me the way I need him to. I don’t think he knows how." My voice broke as I said those words.
"And how do you know he can't if you don't let him try? I'm quite reluctant to admit it, but I think the man is crazy about you, and believe me when I say I tortured him enough about it to know he wasn't pretending."
"He's never even told me he loved me," I declared. How would I react if he said that? Would I believe him? My heart clenched at the idea of him telling me he loved me and meaning it.
"And have you?" Ethan challenged me.
“I think I did, the night he came to me and he threw it in my face the next day. It's not that simple to do it again."
"It's only as complicated as you want it to be. I think he learned his lesson that day. Hugo isn't the type to beg and yet he begged me to help him with you. Just— If you want to end this, make sure you close the door firmly on whatever this relationship is or could be, because once you leave, there will be no turning back."
I nodded silently, well aware of that and even surprised that he had persisted for so long.
Ethan rolled his eyes. "Oh God, I can't believe I'm saying this but—just try to cut him some slack, okay?"
Ethan stood up and extended his hand to me. "Let's go back up. Just so you know, whatever you decide to do, you can always lean on me." He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"Thank you, Ethan."
Chapter 24
Hugo
AvablockedeveryattemptI made to try to fix things and the more days went by, the more frustrated I got. It took all the self-control I had not to slam against Ava's door in frustration tonight after her umpteenth rejection.
"I'm trying so hard, Ava," I whispered as I leaned my forehead against the closed door. I knew I shouldn't have walked away but there was nothing else I could do in the face of her outright rejection.
I was a problem-solver. It was the nature of my job and it was what made me so good at what I did. But for the first time, I faced a problem where my solutions were thwarted at every turn. I didn’t like how my situation with Ava made me uncertain, and this frustrated me greatly.
What further confused and even scared me was that Ava didn’t seem angry. Anger was a reaction. Anger would give me something to work with, something to use as leverage. Ava being angry would give me a reason to appease her, to offer comfort, to offer alternatives. But no, she was for lack of a better word, resigned. She was friendly but held me at arms' length.
Every few days she would ask Dr. Klessner when she'd be allowed to go home. She was eager to leave, eager to get away from me, to escape. And this pained me deeply.
I dreaded the day she would leave. While she wasn't her normal cheery self, I had heard her laugh more than once when I came home and it warmed my heart considerably. I could imagine the three of us here in this house, turning it into a true home.
I went to my office and grabbed a glass of Scotch, sitting on my reading chair and sighing. It was time to admit that what I felt for Ava was not only care and admiration.