Or she could switch me to loudspeaker.“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I hang up and consider my cell for a few moments. She doesn’t want to be in St. Lucia because Otto is no longer in St. Lucia. I never appreciated that Danny was being tactical when he asked Esther to remain behind to look after Daniel so that his studies weren’t affected. For me, it was more about safety. My husband, as always, is one step ahead.
I dial Daniel, and it rings and rings and rings and then goes to voicemail. I don’t bother leaving one as he won’t listen to it, so I text him instead, requesting a call back at his earliest convenience. A small part of me, selfishly, is sad he’s too busy with his friend to take my call. A bigger part is relieved he’s distracted from the cruel world we live in. God, I miss that boy, even though he doesn’t exactly give me much these days. A brief hug. A quick “love ya, Mom” as he dashes out the door. He’s smart, and we would be stupid to underestimate him. It’s only a matter of time before he figures out what Danny does. Who his family is.
I leave the room, finding it so ridiculous that I take deep breaths between my room and Beau’s, bracing myself, nervous to see her. I knock and get no invite to enter, of course, so I let myself in. I find the room shrouded in darkness, the curtains pulled, the lights all off. “Beau?” I call quietly, squinting to try and see her on the bed, the light from the corridor helping. She’s curled up on her side, facing away from me, and even though I can’t see her face, I can feel her anguish. My heart constricts and I close the door, walking in a straight line to the curtains and tweaking them just a fraction so that a slither of light takes the room from pitch-black to hazy.
I go to the bed and climb in with her, lying opposite, mirroring her pose, my praying hands under my cheek. Her eyes remain closed. Her body still. “I think Otto’s pissed off with Esther,” I say quietly. “For letting Danny dictate what she would be doing.” I get no acknowledgement, and I didn’t expect one. “Daniel’s out with Barney and his hot father again. He’s probably not even noticed I’ve gone. What do you think about me getting a job?” I ask. “Something part-time. Not too strenuous. Do you think I’ll be allowed?”
Her eyelids flicker, and I hold my breath, praying she can bring herself to open them and face me. Face the world. I smile when she eventually reveals glassy blue eyes. “No,” she says on a croak, and I pout.
“Do you miss working?”
“All the time,” she whispers. “If I was working now, I would be hunting the cunts who have taken my mother. Instead, I have to stand back and let the men around here solve my problems. Problems I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t here.” Her eyes close again, and I flinch, mainly for James, but a little for me too. Our lives aren’t conventional. They’re tough, draining, emotional. But better than empty, hollow, and dark.
“You sound like you’re considering walking away,” I say tentatively, certain she would never, but not certain enough. After all, everyone has a breaking point, and as I look at my friend now, my beautiful, resilient, strong former cop friend, I wonder if this is hers.
“I am,” she says flatly.
“Beau,” I breathe, releasing my hands from under my head and taking one of hers. “Things will be right again.”
“Will they?” she asks, looking at me. “Will they really, Rose? Because every time I think I’m in a place of acceptance and semi peace, someone launches a missile that seems to hit one of us in the gut and we’re back to square one. Constantly chasing tranquility. Always hoping for calm. Quiet.”
This isn’t my friend. This... negativity. I don’t like it on her. We never both seem to be in the same headspace, one of us always holding up the other. “I don’t like this version of you,” I say without thought.
“This version of me is who I am, Rose. It’s who I’ve been since Mom died. I thought,hoped, James was what changed that. I was wrong.”
I want to yell at her for being so beaten, but I cannot. I have been there myself many times, but I am certain I have not sounded as resolute as Beau sounds now. I’m worried. This cannot be the end for them. She cannot let them take all hope from inside of her. No. I refuse to allow it. I want to slap the strength back into her. But brute force isn’t going to work. I need to be tactical. And perhaps a little sneaky.
God forgive me for this.
“I’ll be back, Doc needs to scan me.” I get up and go to the door, opening it, finding Fury on the other side. “Will you fetch Doc?” I whisper, making him frown but nod, as I pull the door closed behind me. I go back to our room and push the machine over to the bed, kick my flip-flops off, then climb in, pulling my sundress up to my chest.
Doc walks in with a mighty frown, Fury following. “Pretend to scan me,” I order.
“What?”
“Just hold the stick on my tummy.” I point to the screen. “Baby, whatever sex it may be, is still on the screen. That’ll do.”
“I expect there is a method to your madness.” He approaches and settles on the edge of the bed, taking the probe to my stomach and resting it there.
“Go tell Beau I need her,” I say to Fury, who inhales, seeing where I’m going with this.
“Oh, crafty,” Doc says, smiling up at me.
Actually, I’m desperate. I rest my head back on the pillow, breathe in, and only three seconds pass before Beau is at the door, her clothes as crumpled as her hair is messy, her sleepy eyes scanning me, her tear-stained face being roughly wiped with the back of her hand. “What’s happened?” she croaks, her voice rough.
I lift a hand and reach for her, silently beckoning her to me, and she comes, of course she comes, carrying her desolate body over and sitting on the bed. She takes my hand and squeezes, looking at Doc as he plays the game with me.
“Just a few more twinges,” I say, hating myself for being so manipulative, for using my unborn child as bait, but I reassure myself it’s for a good cause.
“Doc?” Beau asks, sniffling and wiping her nose as he concentrates on doing absolutely nothing of any importance. “Is everything okay? Do I need to call Danny?”
“No, no,” he says quickly, pressing a button. “It’s okay. We’re okay. Baby is absolutely fine.”
I see Beau physically relax, her hand tightening around mine. I knew she wouldn’t let me down. I wish she could be as strong for herself and James as she always seems to be for me.
“Is that a penis?” she asks out of nowhere, leaning into the machine.
“What?” I sit up quickly, making Doc lose his grip on the probe and therefore its place on my stomach.Shit. I quickly lie back down and he rushes to replace it before Beau figures out we’re big fat frauds. “A penis?” I ask, straining to see the frozen image of my baby.